Tag Archives: William Shatner

The Five-Minute Date

13 Jun

I’ve been feeling the whole independent thing lately and have thus been terribly negligent with my OKCupid account.  However, that does not mean that my fellow New Yorkers have abstained from awkward blind dates in my absence.  Everywhere I go, it seems there is a couple trying each other on for size in my close proximity.  In fact, just the other day I witnessed what could be entered into The Guinness Book of World Records for the quickest blind date ever.

I stopped into a Manhattan record store to see if they had the Pat Travers album on which he is legless and levitating in front of a fiery sunset.  While I was thumbing through the T’s… (lots of good T’s)… a seemingly mismatched couple entered the scene.  He was tall, dark, and reserved.  She was loud as can be, and moving at a pace that was about ten notches too rapid for the size of the room.  As they went from row to row, I gathered that they had just met for a blind date.  He looked extremely uncomfortable and she was doing her best “schtick”– touching every record, saying things in funny voices, and zooming around like a parrot on PCP.  I stood frozen in dismay, my fingers stopped between Tom Petty and T Rex, as I watched this girl who seemed to be in five places at once.  The guy she was on a date with looked first to me, then to the befuddled sales clerk for help, before attempting to herd her towards the door.

“I think I’m going to pass on the bar,” the guy said in a lowered voice, “this isn’t going to work.”
“Why?  What do you mean?” She replied, out of breath from her shenanigans.
“Well, I’m really not interested in a date with someone who is going to act like William Shatner all night.”

I felt as if I had been cast in a sitcom and a live studio audience was about to make a collective “Awww!” sound as the two of them walked out the door and went their separate ways.  But alas, I guess it was not meant to be for ReadrsDigest83 and IHeartImprov69.

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Glen Fenn

22 Jan

A few weeks ago I went on a blind date with a garlicky Star Trek fan from Kentucky.  His profile picture was of him with an open-mouth beam, a tiara and a vest with a collage of cat faces on it.  Did I mention he had flaming orange hair?  Upon sitting down at a tiny dive bar in SoHo, he wasted no time in asking me what my favorite kind of dinosaur is.  He barely waited for my answer (the kind that lay polka dot eggs) before launching into a story about how he hates Dave Matthews Band, but used to listen to them in boarding school so girls would make out with him.  While he was recalling this memory, his voice cracked at an opportune moment.  When I complimented him on his impressive vest collection (he also boasted of having one covered in wolves) he simply stated “I don’t find the vests, the vests find me.”

Two beers later, I was listening in awe as Glen told me of his high school job at a cemetery where he cremated bodies.  He worked with a slew of dirty old men who would hide moving toys in with the bodies so that as they were going into the ovens, the younger workers would freak out and think they were still alive.  After my fourth beer on an empty stomach, I was having trouble following his eyes as they darted about the bar.  He also kept high-fiving me, which was wearing out my weary limbs.

Our final conversation consisted of him recommending the movie “Thankskilling” to me, in which the first scene apparently portrays a giant turkey yelling “Nice tits, bitch!” at an unsuspecting woman before he kills her.

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty rad date.  In our two hours together he had not only referred to William Shatner as “Bill,” but had made two, totally separate Grover Cleveland references.  Who knew there were still Grover Cleveland fans out there?