Tag Archives: Television

The Veterinarian

13 Jul

There is a restaurant in my neighborhood that has good burgers and a cute bartender whom I like to look at while I eat.

One evening, I was enjoying some dinner and the view, when a pair of late 30-somethings started to get a little rowdy next to me.  I looked over to see what all the commotion was about and saw one of them holding up an image of Alf dressed as an asparagus.  The skinnier of the two noticed me eyeing their altercation and included me in the conversation.  I had no information to offer on the Alf topic… but received some unfortunate information on the cute bartender topic: it turned out they were his friends and he had a serious girlfriend of nine years.

The larger man left shortly thereafter and I stayed to chat with the skinny one.  He never smiled and pretty much only had one facial expression– a puzzled look with slightly crossed eyes.  He was dressed like a cast member from Roseanne and looked remarkably like a young Bob Saget.  He had glasses, a prominent nose, and hair that looked like amber waves of grain– like you could pull a fistful of it and it would break off into a million pieces and blow away down a sunny hillside.  “Peter,” as we’ll call him, was thirty-nine, worked at another bar in Bushwick, and dreamed of being a veterinarian.  But not an actual veterinarian, oh no.  He wanted to PLAY a veterinarian in a small role on a TV show or commercial.  He went on and on about how much he loved acting and wanted to make a full career out of it even though he had never taken an acting class, or been in a play, or done anything except stand in a sea of extras in one shot for an episode of some TV show.  When he learned that I went to school for theatre he asked if I wanted to take turns filming each other doing three contemporary monologues each.  I told him I’ve been out of the loop for a couple years and am thus unfamiliar with the current veterinarian repertoire.

I ran into Peter around my neighborhood multiple times after that.  He always talked nonstop about himself and his “acting career” and never asked me anything about my life.  Come to think of it I’m not sure he ever even knew my name.  He also sent me constant text updates like “almost had a line on set today, but they gave it to someone else,” and “just submitted my headshot to play another veterinarian.  Keep your fingers crossed.”  His headshot, by the way, was a selfie he had taken of himself wearing a lab coat and looking confused.  He stayed over at my place once (don’t recall how that happened) and kept trying to kiss me, but I was too weirded out by him so I moved to the extreme edge of my bed and barricaded myself with a fortress of pillows.  The next morning I woke up at 6 a.m. and shrieked about how I had to go into town right away, like we lived in rural Mississippi in the early 1900s.

The next time I saw him after that, he was displeased with me.  Apparently he had found me on Twitter and seen a tweet where I referred to him as a “Bob Saget impersonator.”  He accused me of flirting with other men at the bar and told me that I don’t take him seriously.  Welllll.  I didn’t realize we had a “thing,” but whatever it was needed to cease and desist, so I stopped responding to him.

The last text I ever got from Peter was: “ever had a grape chia synergy drink?  One just exploded on my shirt and pants while opening it and the chia seeds stuck to my clothes.  Kinda cool.  Gonna leave them on there for awhile.”  I haven’t seen him since, so I’m assuming he got beamed back up to whatever planet he and Alf are from.

Law & Order Lover

5 Jan

If you are an avid reader of my blog, you know that I’m a huge fan of Law and Order.  My family watched the shows together while I was growing up and my sister and I still watch reruns today.  I know every single case and have even been known to reference them in daily conversation.  So you can imagine my intrigue when I learned that one of my close girlfriends from graduate school was dating an actor from one of the Law and Order shows.

Back in 2008, I had just finished school and was still living in Boston.  My friend was already here in New York, working as a server at a restaurant in Midtown.  She had met the actor when he sat at one of her tables one night.  A few days later I was flooded with phone calls about how he had taken her out for amazing dinners, bought her fancy gifts, and sent her all sorts of sexy text messages.  Now, if you are picturing Christopher Meloni or Vincent D’Onofrio (whom I have a huge crush on– even in his grizzly years) you are regretfully mistaken.  The actor in question is a much older gentleman.  But it’s Law and Order so WHO CARES?

A few months later, I visited New York for Thanksgiving and stayed with my friend.  One night, her Law and Order lover (let’s call him Ron) invited us out for drinks.  We met him at an expensive restaurant on the Upper West Side, with an amazing wine list and a ceiling full of crystal chandeliers.  I was shocked, upon introductions, to find that the actor who played a noble character on the show cussed like a sailor in real life.  In fact, he was a veritable dirty old man– which I was delighted by.  He ordered one of everything from the appetizer list and selected a bottle of wine I would never have considered because of its price.  At one point, I got a text message from a guy I had started seeing back in Boston.  Ron took my phone away from me, saying “You better be F***ing this guy you keep texting while you’re out with me.”  He then laughed heartily and invited us over to his place.

Ron’s apartment was huge and beautifully decorated.  He had a spacious kitchen and a separate wine cellar, from which he selected a nice bottle of red wine for us to share.  We then settled into the gigantic living room, where scripts from upcoming Law and Order episodes were scattered around the floor.  I picked up one of them to read, when I began hearing squeals and grunts coming from the armchair to my left.  Somehow, in a matter of minutes, my two companions had stripped completely naked and were going at it like there was no tomorrow as I innocently perused call sheets.  My friend caught my stare and demanded that I join them in the bedroom.  When I said that I needed to leave, she stopped what she was doing and yelled “You had a threesome with your college friends, but you can’t have a threesome with me?!”  “Don’t be scared,” added Ron, “It’ll be something you can tell your grandkids about.”  Part of me acquiesced and I followed them to the bedroom, where I got a full-blown look at the johnson of an actor I had been watching on TV since I was a kid.  I decided my future grandchildren would not want to know anything about what was going on here.

I  told them I had to call the guy I was dating and closed myself in a bathroom down the hall.  This guy and I had been seeing each other for a bit, but never discussed the status of our relationship.  So I was surprised and relieved that when I called and told him the offer I had just received, his first response was “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” Well that takes care of that!  I walked back down the hall, satisfied that I now had a concrete excuse for Ron and also that my antics had prompted “The Talk” from the guy I liked.

“Excuse me,” I whispered as I re-entered the room to find my naked friend passed out atop Ron like an open-faced tuna melt.  I told him I was very sorry, and thank you so much for all the nice wine, but I had to go– my boyfriend wasn’t pleased that I was galavanting around town with a pair of naked people trying to get me to have a threesome with them.  He nodded and reached for his wallet on the bedside table.  Handing me sixty dollars, he instructed me to go down to the lobby and the doorman would get me a car to wherever I wanted to go.  I had made my escape!  Months later, I happened upon a new episode of Law and Order… the script for which I had seen on Ron’s rug.  I tried to watch it, but all I could picture was Ron’s old genitals waving around over a floral upholstered armchair.

And that, my friends, is the story of how I had a sexy encounter with a TV star which jump-started a three year relationship with my now ex-boyfriend.  It’s kind of too bad we’re no longer together, for no reason other than it actually WOULD have been a romantic story for the grandchildren… “Once, I almost had a threesome with a sixty-five year old actor, but your grandfather saved me!”