Tag Archives: Marriage

Ace of Spades

10 Sep

The other day I was watching a reality TV show about frog-catching at a neighborhood bar.  My friend had abandoned me and my beverage was long gone but I couldn’t unglue my eyes from the duo of old men on the screen hurling accusations of amphibian sabotage at one another.  Suddenly, a bar patron who sounded like a Tickle-Me-Elmo in mid-tickle straddled the barstool next to mine and asked if he could buy me a drink.  I was hesitant– the last guy I’d taken up on that offer at this particular venue had turned out to be a crawfish-obsessed carny.

My new friend’s name was Brant.  I’d never met such a giggly individual and couldn’t decide if I was more confused by what drug he must be on, or why he was wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap inside a bar at night.  He asked what I did for a living and I told him that I work in a store… which prompted an eruption of high-pitched giggles.  When I returned the question, he looked around before responding in a lowered voice “I play poker.”  That’s right– Brant was a part-time poker player, full-time party animal.  I could see a reflection of my facial expression in his dark lenses and quickly altered it to appear more impressed.  I don’t remember anything that was said between “I play poker” and “Let’s go to Atlantic City and get married next Wednesday” because my brain was still stuck trying to process that there is an entire reality series dedicated to frog-catching.  But it was just one of those situations where you agree to go to Atlantic City with someone you just met to get married next Wednesday.  Why not?

Sadly, my schedule that Wednesday ended up being full to the brim, so my fiancé had to go to Atlantic City alone.  He sent me a text saying what a great time he was having but how it would be much more fun if I were there.  How romantic!  Did he even remember what I look like?  Because I didn’t have any clue, thanks in part to his unabomber disguise.  I recall a sort of mushroomy nose and distressing thumbs… but I only remember the thumbs because he sent me a picture of them fanning out five crisp $100 bills.

A few evenings later, he asked if he could use his plentiful winnings to buy me some beers.  I declined his offer because I didn’t want to go out after work, and he texted back “Ok then send me a pic if u in ur PJs.”  ENGAGEMENT OFF.  What a creep.  My disgust quickly dissipated, however, when I realized how hilarious his typo was.  He wanted me to send him a sexy selfie… but only IF I was wearing my PJs– no nudity or underwear, please.  I started to text him back “you first,” but was afraid he would actually follow through.  A vision crossed my mind of Brant cackling into the night sky, wearing sunglasses, a cap, and onesie pajamas– with the rear-end flap unbuttoned to reveal a strategically-placed Ace of Spades.

What had I gotten myself into?  A pending engagement with a professional gambler who wears criminal disguises and has a pajama fetish.  This is precisely why you don’t encourage people in a biker bar.

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Suitors of the Week 3

17 May

The website makes no attempt to hide the fact that the bar is set pretty low…it is called “OKCupid” after all, not “PerfectCupid” or even “AboveAverageCupid.”  This explains why I am a 95% match with someone who answered the “What’s the First Thing People Notice About You?” question with “ThAt My PeNiS iS oUt LoL.”  I have done a few posts highlighting some of the absurd pick-up lines I receive in my inbox.  This week, I decided to have a little fun.  Here are my conversations with six different guys who contacted me.  I hope this post doesn’t prevent me from getting hired in the future like my dad always warns…But I went to graduate school for theatre, so I’m pretty sure I crossed that bridge long ago.

May 13, 2012 – 11:03pm

HIM:  Hey, I’m Trevor.  In the event that you’d like to talk, I can be reached by smoke signals or carrier pigeon, though I prefer carrier pigeon because I’m attempting to go green.

ME:  I think I love you.

HIM:  Whoaaaa too early.  You just scared me off.

ME:  Yeah right.

HIM:  You’re right.  I love you, too.  Let’s get married.

ME:  Ok, I have a dowry.

HIM:  It better be a cow.  If it is, consider us betrothed.  So, what are you doing at the moment?

ME:  Having a sensual lounge session watching 48 Hours Hard Evidence in the nude.

HIM:  Light some scented candles and lay some rose petals around and you’ve just described my evening as well.

ME:  We are meant to be.

HIM:  I’m searching for a freshly poured sidewalk to write our name in as we speak.  Have you ever seen a ghost?  Did it catch you watching TV naked?

ME:  They always watch me when I’m nude.  Especially when I’m writing checks or eating muesli.

HIM:  You just hit on my biggest turn on: muesli.

 

May 14, 2012 – 1:06am

HIM:  Howdy, want to have some online naughty fun?  What are you wearing?

ME:  Slacks and an argyle vest over a beige dickie.  You?

HIM:  I’m wearing basketball shorts and nothing else ;)  What are you doing?

ME:  I’m perusing an article about fishing rods whilst touching my bunions.

HIM:  Um, are you for real?

 

May 16, 2012 – 1:28pm

HIM:  A haiku for you:

Glass of water; half empty

Also, half full

Same thing when drinking.

ME:  A haiku for you:

Backdoor gerbil jaunt

Round and round and up and down

On your anal wheel

 

May 16, 2012 – 11:38pm

HIM:  Wow, u seem like actually a cool person for once!  And I totally wanna make out with ur profile picture!

ME:  Thank u!  OMG u look just like Verne Troyer!

 

May 17, 2012 – 12:32am

HIM:  What shocking modesty and sweeping eloquence apparently indicative of a fascinatingly eclectic persona… And what did you dream about last Saturday by the way?

ME:  Last Saturday? Hmm, let me think.  Ah, it was a dream involving burly loggers aboard a cramped raft, being jostled closer and closer to one another by the restless current of the great whitewaters.  I was in the center of the raft, blanketed by their cascading beards.

HIM:  Ah, that sounds quite authentic and detailed indeed :) … And what are your seven favorite orchestral pieces?

 

May 17, 2012 – 2:40pm

HIM:  Hi, so I am 42 year old Spanish man, 5’9 tall, and 180 lbs with a fit body, black hair, brown eyes, and looking for friend to have a long or short free spirit casual sex relationship.

ME:  Yeah ok.  What’s nuevo?

HIM:  LOL…. Nothing just chilling and you?  Tienes algo nuevo?

ME:  Practicando mi espanol.  Pero estoy muy malo lololol!!!!!!!

HIM:  Creo que tu espanol esta muy bueno. Quieres conocerme en persona? ;)

ME:  Si, cuando la luna esta llena y usted es una mujer.

HIM:  Adios.