Tag Archives: Improv

The Five-Minute Date

13 Jun

I’ve been feeling the whole independent thing lately and have thus been terribly negligent with my OKCupid account.  However, that does not mean that my fellow New Yorkers have abstained from awkward blind dates in my absence.  Everywhere I go, it seems there is a couple trying each other on for size in my close proximity.  In fact, just the other day I witnessed what could be entered into The Guinness Book of World Records for the quickest blind date ever.

I stopped into a Manhattan record store to see if they had the Pat Travers album on which he is legless and levitating in front of a fiery sunset.  While I was thumbing through the T’s… (lots of good T’s)… a seemingly mismatched couple entered the scene.  He was tall, dark, and reserved.  She was loud as can be, and moving at a pace that was about ten notches too rapid for the size of the room.  As they went from row to row, I gathered that they had just met for a blind date.  He looked extremely uncomfortable and she was doing her best “schtick”– touching every record, saying things in funny voices, and zooming around like a parrot on PCP.  I stood frozen in dismay, my fingers stopped between Tom Petty and T Rex, as I watched this girl who seemed to be in five places at once.  The guy she was on a date with looked first to me, then to the befuddled sales clerk for help, before attempting to herd her towards the door.

“I think I’m going to pass on the bar,” the guy said in a lowered voice, “this isn’t going to work.”
“Why?  What do you mean?” She replied, out of breath from her shenanigans.
“Well, I’m really not interested in a date with someone who is going to act like William Shatner all night.”

I felt as if I had been cast in a sitcom and a live studio audience was about to make a collective “Awww!” sound as the two of them walked out the door and went their separate ways.  But alas, I guess it was not meant to be for ReadrsDigest83 and IHeartImprov69.

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My Hero!

21 Mar

Last time I was on OKCupid I met lawyers, computer programmers, doctors, mimes, musicians, writers, teachers, bankers… the list goes on.  So I am a little confused as to why I am only being messaged by stand-up comedians!  Well, comedians and a hearty handful of graphic designers and video editors.  There must be something in my profile that is attracting these special breeds.  Anyway, last week after getting messaged by probably my ninth stand-up comedian, I finally gave in and arranged a date with the most persistent of the bunch.  "Bryan” seemed cute and less of a hot mess than the others.  Boy, was I in for a treat.

Several minutes after I sat down to wait at the bar, I received a text saying that I should turn around because he was sitting at a table behind me.  He was simultaneously reading a newspaper and listening to his ipod, which I thought were strange things to be doing while waiting for your blind date.  I sat down at his table and he snapped his paper shut and pulled out his earbuds with such force that they flew across the table and hit me in the chest.  He began by lamenting how crappy his ipod classic was and I pulled mine out of my coat pocket to show that I have the same one.  "Let me see that!” he barked, ripping it out of my hand and sending my earbuds flying straight into his beer.  I didn’t say anything, but dried them off with a napkin under the table.  I could tell it was going to be a long hour.

Bryan immediately launched into (what I gathered was) his stand-up material– telling stories about himself in ways that were clearly set-ups for his punchlines.  When he finished his sentences, he would pause, then repeat the last phrase, waiting for me to laugh… which I did every once in awhile just to humor him because it was getting awkward and he seemed desperate for attention.  I barely said a word since he had so much to say about himself and whenever I would start to speak he interrupted me.  As he went on and on, I thought about how he must be a really problematic lover– I had recently read an article about how men who are totally self-involved and bad at listening are generally pretty terrible in the sack.  At one point he said “Wow, you’re really making me work for a laugh. I feel like I’m bombing here!”  Yeah, because I didn’t have seven Mountain Dews on the way over and I don’t think you’re that funny.  His arm gestures were so grandiose that they were making me dizzy and eventually the inevitable happened– he knocked over his beer with a giant swoop, spilling it all over a girl who happened to be passing by.  I could tell he was nervous, but he needed to bring it down a few notches.  When he mentioned that he was 38, but not yet ready for a relationship I almost choked on my wine.  "Yeah… didn’t you read my profile?” he asked after seeing my reaction to his age.  I did, I had just forgotten because of how he was acting on our date.  Geez, why are men in New York so complicated?!

Bryan was very abrasive and spent the hour insulting just about everyone.  He called our server a hipster to his face before talking about how he doesn’t like improv and sketch comedy people because they’re “corny and unoriginal.”  He said he doesn’t get along with other comedians… or his coworkers… or his friends from back home… or his family.  He also shared that he owes upwards of $12,000 to the IRS for cheating on his taxes.  Oh, and his ex-girlfriend was apparently a psycho and punched him in the face.  All very attractive things to tell someone you met less than an hour ago.  This guy was the epitome of the “victim” type– In his mind he is just a good guy trying to follow his dreams and everybody else is bringing him down because they don’t understand or are out to get him.  I am very familiar with this type of guy because I dated one a few years ago.  Bryan reminded me so much of him it was a little creepy.

The icing on the cake was when Bryan asked me if I wanted to watch his stand-up routines on his ipod.  What was I supposed to say, no?!  I put my beer-soaked earbuds in and watched not one, but TWO of his stand up routines.  I have to say that the first one was more entertaining than the material I was getting live and in person.  At any rate, it was time to go.  He picked up the bill (which was much appreciated) and after I helped him calculate the tip, he informed me that he was going to walk me to the train.  I know he was trying to be chivalrous, but I really just wanted out of there.  Walking full-speed to the G train, I was glued to Google Maps on my phone… when it happened.  I fell in a hole.  The sidewalk had cut out on my side to make room for a tree and I had missed the memo, not watching where I was going.  Luckily, as I started to fall, Bryan was quick to catch me before I landed.  We shared a laugh over it, but then he decided to reenact the moment (so he could grab me again I’m guessing).  Without warning, he lightly pushed me in the middle of the street then enveloped me in a large embrace as I tripped again, this time on his encroaching Nikes.  "What are you trying to do, kill me?!” I exclaimed, only half-kidding.  Thankfully, we somehow made it to the subway in one piece and I swiftly descended the steps, shouting “Yeah OK!” up the steps… which I think was an agreement to eat Ethiopian food with him later in the week.  No thanks.

“I just fell in a hole trying to escape a comedian who made me watch two of his stand-up routines on a blind date” I texted my friend.  "That sucks, I just slept with both of my neighbors” she wrote back.

It occurred to me that I can’t exactly ream Bryan for acting a fool and spilling his beer on someone because– let’s face it– I fell in a hole.  Who knows, maybe as I write this very blog post he is up in Astoria developing new material about how he saved the life of this crazy girl who fell in a hole during our blind date.