Tag Archives: Hawaii

The Hawaiian

11 Jun

After being absent from OKCupid for over a year, I suddenly had an urge the other night to throw together a quick profile and see what kind of fun I’ve been missing.  The next morning, my inbox was already overflowing with countless messages of the “Hey, wats up?” variety.  One in particular stood out from the rest, reading “Aloha, how are you enjoying this beautiful day?”  I clicked on his profile to confirm my suspicions– indeed, I had a Hawaiian on my hands!  I had never gone out with a Hawaiian before, and to me they seem almost as elusive as a person from Delaware.

The Hawaiian appeared to be large and jolly, as I envision most male Hawaiians to be, but also seemed cute and laid back.  I was momentarily startled after he appeared to be giving “the shocker” in one of his profile pictures, but upon further investigation discovered it to be some sort of Hawaiian hand vernacular.  The other part of his profile that struck me as odd was the selection he checked off for his body type: “Full-figured.”  With options like “More to love,” “A little extra,” and my personal favorite “Used up,” why in the world would a man select “Full-figured?”  That makes me think of a big ol’ bra.

I canceled on The Hawaiian the first night we had planned to meet, but agreed to get drinks the following night.  He was immediately recognizable when he entered the bar because he was, in fact, a big kahuna.  We sat and chatted about Hawaiian topics– sea mammals, surfing, leis, etc.  He was very amiable and easy to talk to.  He offered to teach me how to surf.  He bought me a drink and then a shot.  He walked me to my door and asked to come up for a moment while he called a car service.  Ahhh, this Hawaiian was very smooth and my guard was down.  I agreed, breaking my number one rule about bringing blind dates home with me (hey, I’ve been out of practice for awhile).

Once inside my apartment, I went to the bathroom while he called for a car.  I was barely gone two minutes… but came back out to find that he had taken off all of his clothes and was fully nude, standing in the middle of the room.   I didn’t quite know what to say, so I went with “uhhh, did you call a car?” as if his bare papayas weren’t staring me in the face.  “They said fifteen minutes” he replied, still neither of us moving.  I was going to have to grab the bull by the horns in this situation.  I told him that we would at least need to have a second date before giving each other the Full Nude Review.  He said he understood and got dressed again (which somehow took way longer than the undressing had) and at last a horn honked outside.

I sent a polite follow-up message the next morning, assuming I probably wouldn’t hear from him again.  Boy, was I wrong.  All day long The Hawaiian sent me texts such as “I need more of you ASAP,” “What would you do to me if I was there right now?”, and “Will your sister care if I come over and rip off all your clothes?”  Obviously from here on out I will have to be better about reinforcing my “no house calls on the first date” rule.  Especially when it comes to a man who probably spent much of his life wearing nothing but grass skirts.