Tag Archives: Actors

CyberBully4U

18 Feb

I rejoined Tinder yesterday after a friend showed me one of her suggested matches: a thirty-two year old man in a ski mask, swinging around two large axes.  I felt left out.

This morning I awoke to thirty-three Tinder notifications, so I skimmed through the first few messages over a nice plate of pancakes.  One gentleman simply wrote “your dog is more attractive than you.”  Hmmmmm.  My first reaction was to wonder whether or not this man likes dogs, because if he doesn’t, that’s a fairly rude thing to say to someone.  My second reaction was to consider pointing out to him that he looks a lot like a baked potato.  But, since I strive to be a wise and mature woman, I just deleted him.

One of the pesky road bumps you encounter on dating websites is the inevitable insecure man-child who uses the curtain of anonymity that the internet provides as a means of combating his own perceived inadequacies.  YouTube is another popular forum where these types go to spew their pent-up aggression toward the human race by typing things they would never say to someone’s face.  Anyway, I hope this particular individual finds some source of personal power beyond insulting women he doesn’t know online.

Unless of course he DOES love dogs… in which case forget everything I just said.  He was only pointing out the obvious, because my dog is incomparably stunning.

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Law & Order Lover

5 Jan

If you are an avid reader of my blog, you know that I’m a huge fan of Law and Order.  My family watched the shows together while I was growing up and my sister and I still watch reruns today.  I know every single case and have even been known to reference them in daily conversation.  So you can imagine my intrigue when I learned that one of my close girlfriends from graduate school was dating an actor from one of the Law and Order shows.

Back in 2008, I had just finished school and was still living in Boston.  My friend was already here in New York, working as a server at a restaurant in Midtown.  She had met the actor when he sat at one of her tables one night.  A few days later I was flooded with phone calls about how he had taken her out for amazing dinners, bought her fancy gifts, and sent her all sorts of sexy text messages.  Now, if you are picturing Christopher Meloni or Vincent D’Onofrio (whom I have a huge crush on– even in his grizzly years) you are regretfully mistaken.  The actor in question is a much older gentleman.  But it’s Law and Order so WHO CARES?

A few months later, I visited New York for Thanksgiving and stayed with my friend.  One night, her Law and Order lover (let’s call him Ron) invited us out for drinks.  We met him at an expensive restaurant on the Upper West Side, with an amazing wine list and a ceiling full of crystal chandeliers.  I was shocked, upon introductions, to find that the actor who played a noble character on the show cussed like a sailor in real life.  In fact, he was a veritable dirty old man– which I was delighted by.  He ordered one of everything from the appetizer list and selected a bottle of wine I would never have considered because of its price.  At one point, I got a text message from a guy I had started seeing back in Boston.  Ron took my phone away from me, saying “You better be F***ing this guy you keep texting while you’re out with me.”  He then laughed heartily and invited us over to his place.

Ron’s apartment was huge and beautifully decorated.  He had a spacious kitchen and a separate wine cellar, from which he selected a nice bottle of red wine for us to share.  We then settled into the gigantic living room, where scripts from upcoming Law and Order episodes were scattered around the floor.  I picked up one of them to read, when I began hearing squeals and grunts coming from the armchair to my left.  Somehow, in a matter of minutes, my two companions had stripped completely naked and were going at it like there was no tomorrow as I innocently perused call sheets.  My friend caught my stare and demanded that I join them in the bedroom.  When I said that I needed to leave, she stopped what she was doing and yelled “You had a threesome with your college friends, but you can’t have a threesome with me?!”  “Don’t be scared,” added Ron, “It’ll be something you can tell your grandkids about.”  Part of me acquiesced and I followed them to the bedroom, where I got a full-blown look at the johnson of an actor I had been watching on TV since I was a kid.  I decided my future grandchildren would not want to know anything about what was going on here.

I  told them I had to call the guy I was dating and closed myself in a bathroom down the hall.  This guy and I had been seeing each other for a bit, but never discussed the status of our relationship.  So I was surprised and relieved that when I called and told him the offer I had just received, his first response was “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” Well that takes care of that!  I walked back down the hall, satisfied that I now had a concrete excuse for Ron and also that my antics had prompted “The Talk” from the guy I liked.

“Excuse me,” I whispered as I re-entered the room to find my naked friend passed out atop Ron like an open-faced tuna melt.  I told him I was very sorry, and thank you so much for all the nice wine, but I had to go– my boyfriend wasn’t pleased that I was galavanting around town with a pair of naked people trying to get me to have a threesome with them.  He nodded and reached for his wallet on the bedside table.  Handing me sixty dollars, he instructed me to go down to the lobby and the doorman would get me a car to wherever I wanted to go.  I had made my escape!  Months later, I happened upon a new episode of Law and Order… the script for which I had seen on Ron’s rug.  I tried to watch it, but all I could picture was Ron’s old genitals waving around over a floral upholstered armchair.

And that, my friends, is the story of how I had a sexy encounter with a TV star which jump-started a three year relationship with my now ex-boyfriend.  It’s kind of too bad we’re no longer together, for no reason other than it actually WOULD have been a romantic story for the grandchildren… “Once, I almost had a threesome with a sixty-five year old actor, but your grandfather saved me!”

Suitors of the Week 5

20 Aug

It’s time for me to open up my inbox and share with you a selection of special messages I’ve received recently:

1.  This guy looked like a male Snow White.  Under “My Self-Summary” he put “I enjoy road trips to insane and unlikely places such as abandoned asylums.”

ME:  “What’re you up to today?”

HIM:  “The usual.  Funeral arrangements followed by an evening spent with sapiens I haven’t seen in a dog’s age.”  (Excuse me?)

 

2.  I was supposed to meet this guy, but canceled on him twice due to two different friends’ birthdays.  These messages transpired after the second cancelation.  The best way I can describe him is a weasel dipped in oil.

HIM:  “Wanna go to a Jackson 5 concert tonihgt? No Michael of coarse lol  ;)”  (Who’s #5 now?  Blanket?)

ME:  “Can’t sorry.  You probably won’t believe this, but I have to go to a birthday party tonight.”

HIM:  “U would def have more fun at the Jackson 5 concert ;) ;)”

HIM:  (Five days later)  “So, I’d invite u to hang but u prolly have a brithday to go to…”  (What can I say, a lot of my friends were born in August.)

 

3.  A guy who obviously finds himself to be a real hoot messaged me a few days ago.  In his picture he is pulling himself out of some kind of sea with only his arms, like a mighty mer-man.  Here’s a little sampling of his profile:

My Self-Summary:  “Your ab exercises just got easier. You’ll laugh your ass off at me!”  (Fact: People who tell me how funny they are generally aren’t that funny.)

On a typical Friday night I am:  “Spending time with my parents.  They deserve it.”

The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:  “Stamps in passport > years I’ve been alive.”   (Is that really a private fact, or did you just need to find a spot on the page to brag about how well-traveled you are?)

Here’s what he messaged me:

HIM:  You seem like a really fun girl, but I feel like there’s a whole other side of you that you’d never reveal here…

ME:  And what side might that be?

HIM:  You’re actually a huge nerd at heart. I mean words like pantomime and Sriracha…stupider people may think pantomime is a form of unflattering underwear and Sriracha is some sort of place in Spain. Am I right Steve Urkel?

ME: (Doesn’t respond, just throws my laptop off a building.)

 

4.  I immediately ruled this guy out when he messaged me because his profile picture was a headshot.  I’m terribly sorry, but if you are an actor I most likely will not respond to you.  It’s not you, it’s me (sort of).  I spent a great majority of my life doing theatre/actors, and as the man at the deli by my work would say, “Eee’s no good!”  Here is a sampling of the actor’s profile:

The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:  “I had to wear an eye patch for a year.”  (What’s with guys on OKCupid being former eye-patch wearers?  This is the third I’ve encountered.  Do they mention it because they think girls like pirates?  Or was their corrective surgery that much of a milestone?)

Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, etc:  “I don’t really read books, but my favorite play is “The Odd Couple” by Neil Simon.”  (Ladies and gentleman, here you have reason number 1,309 why I don’t date actors.  If you are an thespian, his choice of play will be even more amusing to you.  Actor joke.)

What I’m Doing With My Life:  “I’ve currently put my acting career on hold to work at CVS.”  (Aaaand here’s reason number 1,310.)

 

All I want is a tall, funny man who will take me to Pizzeria Uno.  Is that asking too much?!

99 Problems

24 Jun

As I descended the stairs to Fat Cat on Tuesday night, I had no idea what I was in for.  The full-figured 24-year-old Canadian I was meeting had chosen the venue, and my coworkers had warned me that I wasn’t going to like it.  They were right.

The place is a huge basement, with florescent lighting, pool and ping pong tables, darts, board games, and a slew of ratty couches.  It was packed with students and young professionals, and I was instantly transported to my college years in Missouri.  Except back then I was actually in someone’s basement, not a bar trying to look like someone’s basement.  I was afraid I would get bedbugs if I sat on any of the couches, so I waited for my date at one of the four lone barstools- feeling out of place without my messenger bag and ironic Salvation Army tee.  While I waited, a tiny man who looked like he had just hit puberty (and was wearing five shirts layered on top of one another) literally leap-frogged onto the barstool next to me and asked me if I came there often.  “No” I said a little too forcefully, simultaneously noticing the salsa band setting up in the corner.  Oh god.  I contemplated leaving as images of giant trouser gyration situations floated through my mind.

“Dennis” showed up and I reached my hand out for him to shake it, but he said “Oh, come on!” and pulled me in for a big hug.  He was wearing a shirt that wasn’t doing him any favors, a torn pair of stonewashed jeans, and a pair of two-foot-long sensible New Balances.  They were seriously the longest sneakers I ever did see.  I don’t remember why I had decided to meet him in person… probably because he was 6’3” and lately I’ve only been going out with men who are at least five inches taller than I am.  He had sent me a couple texts that week that just said “Hey you”, which seemed out of place coming from someone three years my junior.  I could tell he was a huge dweeb from his profile, but nothing could have prepared me for the next hour and a half.

Dennis bought us beers, took a large sip, swished it around in his mouth like mouthwash, and said “I’ll get the first round if you get rounds two, three, and four.”  I would soon find out that he wasn’t joking, as I ended up buying his next two beers.  We relocated to one of the couches, and I tried to figure out whether bugs were crawling on me or if it was just my leg hair blowing in the extreme wind gust generated by the industrial-strength fan.  He said “OK, now you have to tell me everything about yourself starting from the day you were born and don’t leave anything out, GO!”  I tried to give him a brief overview of my time here on Earth, but kept getting distracted by the queer faces he was making.  As I was talking, he kept turning his head away, then snapping it back to look at me with an open-mouth fascinated/surprised/insane look on his face.  Each time I would lose my train of thought due to his off-putting faces, he would histrionically tip his head to the side and in a loud, nauseating voice squeal “EEEELABORATE?!”  After awhile, I gave up and told him to talk about himself.

The tone of his voice sounded like Pete’s from “Mad Men” and he ended every sentence with a smack of the lips and an “Mmmhmm.”  He looked exactly like a cross between my high school choir teacher, a lava lamp, and Alf.  His job was something involving math, but no numbers… I stopped listening because the salsa band had begun to play and he had moved his leg onto mine in one fell swoop.  I jumped up and procured another round of beers.  When I returned, he again scooted himself close enough so that we were almost touching, and asked me about my theatre experience.  He shared that he had been involved in two plays during high school, one of which was “The Crucible.”  He had enjoyed being in “The Crucible” so much that he and his best friend would do poetry jams about it at their local coffee house.  He told me he didn’t know if I was prepared for his favorite line from their “Crucible”-inspired poetry because, to this day, he thinks it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard.  I told him I was ready and he beamed and said “I got 99 problems but a WITCH ain’t one!” then proceeded to belly laugh for five minutes.  If someone informed me that a colossal meteorite was about to crash into Earth and kill us all, it would be funnier than that joke.

I guess at that point he had really warmed up to me, because he was on a roll with horrific jokes.  He made actor jokes, OKCupid jokes, jokes about how he had been wearing the same underwear for a week, and a boatload of jokes about being Jewish.  Each was about as funny as a concrete block.  One of his jokes revolved around the fact that he wasn’t brought up Jewish in a religious way– unless you count being raised on Mel Brooks movies.  I told him I have been obsessed with Madeline Kahn ever since I was a little kid, to which he responded “Who?”  I asked if he had ever happened upon movies like “Blazing Saddles”, “History of the World p.1”, or “Young Frankenstein” in his vast study of Mel Brooks films.

I went to the bathroom and when I returned, I lamented over how the ladies room was out of order, so I had to go in a stall next to a man peeing in a urinal.  Dennis scooted all the way over to my side of the couch, put his hand on my leg and said “Hey, if you want to see a penis, I’ll show you my penis.”  I told him to get back on his quadrant of the couch and stay there.  After that, I think he finally got the message that this was not going to go anywhere.  We left the bar and I walked five blocks out of my way so I wouldn’t have to take the train with him.

It’s not that I was mad I paid for his drinks… I just felt like someone should’ve paid me $20 to babysit him for 90 minutes.  Geez.  I still had four more blind dates to go this week and I was already exhausted.

Clay Aiken

10 Dec

Clearly I did not have relations with Clay Aiken.  He is gay and looks like a prawn.  But the name of the individual in question rhymes with Clay Aiken, so here we are.

I knew this person for one day.  He was a friend of a friend that I went to college with.  Mr. Aiken was an actor who recently moved to New York via Missouri.  He is one of those people that posts what I call “Living the dream” updates on Facebook about all the auditions he is going on, and “New York moments” he’s enjoying in the big city.  He looked a bit like a horse in the mouth, had abnormally long toes, white sunglasses, and was shaped like a question mark.  Was nice though, and funny enough.

We went to the beach with my roommate and the aforementioned college friend, drank all day, drove back, and continued the festivities into the night at the restaurant my roommate worked at.  I am conjuring a slight memory of a salmon burger… but I can’t be certain.  The next thing I remember is waking up the next morning for work massively hungover and nude– next to a bag of biscuits.  I didn’t want my roommate to learn that I had plundered her Pillsburys in a naked stupor, so on my way to work I disposed of the evidence in the kosher trash receptacle of a Hasidic neighbor.

This scenario began my reputation at work which is summed up by the quote “I made ya some biscuits, but ya can’t sleep over!”  Anyway, I tried to chat with Clay online after our 1-day stand, to be buddies or whatever normal people do, but he wasn’t into it.  And I can’t say that I really care.