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CyberBully4U

18 Feb

I rejoined Tinder yesterday after a friend showed me one of her suggested matches: a thirty-two year old man in a ski mask, swinging around two large axes.  I felt left out.

This morning I awoke to thirty-three Tinder notifications, so I skimmed through the first few messages over a nice plate of pancakes.  One gentleman simply wrote “your dog is more attractive than you.”  Hmmmmm.  My first reaction was to wonder whether or not this man likes dogs, because if he doesn’t, that’s a fairly rude thing to say to someone.  My second reaction was to consider pointing out to him that he looks a lot like a baked potato.  But, since I strive to be a wise and mature woman, I just deleted him.

One of the pesky road bumps you encounter on dating websites is the inevitable insecure man-child who uses the curtain of anonymity that the internet provides as a means of combating his own perceived inadequacies.  YouTube is another popular forum where these types go to spew their pent-up aggression toward the human race by typing things they would never say to someone’s face.  Anyway, I hope this particular individual finds some source of personal power beyond insulting women he doesn’t know online.

Unless of course he DOES love dogs… in which case forget everything I just said.  He was only pointing out the obvious, because my dog is incomparably stunning.

Suitors of the Week 11

4 Jul

I haven’t posted a Suitors of the Week in awhile and I had a few gems left over from my last few weeks on OKCupid.  It’s true, I deleted my account… this time I think for good.  It was a fun year and half– I met a couple good friends, lots of people who made me laugh (usually unintentionally), and officially not one person I could actually see myself dating.  But thanks for the memories, OKCupid.  Here are some excerpts from my favorite final moments on the website:

Favorite Movies:  “Anything with a good twist at the end like Last of the Mohicans.”

What I’m Doing With My Life:  “I sell ovals.”

I’m Really Good At:  “Counting a lot of ants at one time.”

“Hey, Cute pics!  Crazy question maybe…are you into any kinky stuff? Having your feet worshiped perhaps??”

“Will u be my valintine?”  – A man named Eybal

“My duck breast from last night was a huge success and I even have a small bowl of rendered duck fat left over in my fridge!  What to do, what to do?” – 40 year old bald man whom I gave my number to and then he proceeded to text me about duck breasts for two days.

“What is it going to take for me to get you to go on another date with me?”  – The Law Blob.  We went out twice and struggled both times to have a lively conversation.  He was late, made zero eye contact, rarely smiled, and left after two drinks.  I wrote it off, assuming he was disinterested, but continued to receive texts from him about how I am “purty” and he wants to see me again.  I eventually admitted to him that I didn’t feel like we had anything in common and wasn’t interested in going out again… and then received the above text message two weeks later.

“Instead of naming an exact time to meet, why don’t you just go to the bar after work and maybe I’ll meet you if I end up being down there after dinner.”  – Tim the Buddhist.  He did end up materializing at the bar and texting me to ask where I was– which was back in Brooklyn because I wasn’t about to sit around a bar alone, waiting for a flaky Buddhist to decide to show up.

Cool Your Jets!

14 May

A friend of mine recently dated a man who makes a substantial living teaching men how to be pick-up artists.  Apparently he receives over three grand per disciple–  to occupy various bars around Manhattan and coach these men on how to get women to go home with them.  After discovering his profession, things were short-lived between my friend and this cunning philanthropist.  But it got me thinking.  How is this corny lad making several thousand dollars every night by teaching men how to lure women with their charisma and to read our cryptic signs?  I could do that!

Here, my first lesson is free.  Last night I was out on a date when I received a text message from “Rick,” a guy I have known a year or two through a mutual friend.  We had recently run into each other on OKCupid and he texted me about how funny that was, blah blah blah.  I had also seen Rick a few nights ago at my friend’s birthday party.  He barely acknowledged me and was there with a new girlfriend whom I assume he acquired from everyone’s favorite dating website.  Now, back to last night.  I was finishing up a gourmet beef frank with my date when I received this text message from Rick:

Rick:  Is it weird if I told you I thought you looked amazing on Friday night?

Me:  Well thank you!  But you barely even spoke to me.

Rick:  Meet me.

Me:  What happened to your girlfriend?

Rick:  She dumped me :-;

Rick:  Do we have a Chance of loving eAch other?

Me:  You are wasted.

Rick:  Not wasted.  Meet me for a drink?

Rick:  Dont be weird…

Rick:  :/(?/?//?

It doesn’t take a stack of tarot cards and a crystal ball to figure out what was going on here.  Rick wasn’t even attempting to conceal his desperation– and even his slickest move of all, when he complimented me, was transparent.  Wooing a lady takes patience and finesse.  You can’t expect me to leap into your bedchambers the minute things go south with your girlfriend of the week.  Especially after that odd part about loving each other, which only reveals the fact that he was flailing about the city in a boozy frenzy, flinging careless capital Cs and As in his wake.

In my professional opinion, Rick needs to cool his jets.

Suitors of the Week 10

20 Apr

Oh, which one of these tempting bachelors shall I choose?

“Hola Mammita!  A Real Man does not sleep with a thousand women, he sleeps with one a thousand ways..Im very romantic and not into the ordinary, which is movies and arcades,. zzzzzz, perhaps a picnic at the beach, listening to the waves crash, lookin up at the stars and having deep talk. A evening where i would cook for you a candle lit dinner, we’re both dressed up, you in a long black tight fitted sequenced dress, me a black sports blazer with a red wine color dress shirt, top button open.”  — Well, that’s awfully specific.  I like where he pretends to fall asleep mid-message and that he thinks a normal date would take place at an arcade.  Honestly, I’d rather do that than his alternative which sounds about as creepy as it gets.  At least what he lacks in spelling, grammar, and punctuation he makes up for with a vivid imagination.

“Greetings!  Have you ever dreamed of having sex in zero gravity?  If so, message me back.”  — A blonde mess whose screen name is BeardJam.  Upon reading through his profile I found many more enticing statements such as: “I think Disney’s Robin Hood is the best movie ever.  83 minutes of joyous music, crazy antics, brilliant colors, and love.  Oh and I love giving oral sex.  It’s my favorite.”  Yikes!  This guy was either on ecstasy when he wrote his profile or he’s just a complete maniac.

“Hi, I’m Matthew.  You seem like a fun and outgoing girl and I bet we could get into some adventures together.  Oh by the way, I just took up scuba diving.”  —  I’ll keep this one in my back pocket in case I’m ever in the mood to date a plump gentleman squeezed into a wet suit who lives in Delaware.

“Howdy!  What’s the good word?”  — Man from Colorado who looks like his head is four inches wide.  Under The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit he wrote “I once got my penis stuck in a shampoo bottle at my grandma’s house and had to go to the hospital.”  So I guess the rest of him is as narrow as his head.

 

“I love you!  Let’s get married!!”  —  Judging from the pictures, I thought this person was a woman at first until I looked at the rest of his(?) profile.  He also wrote:  “I’m an active type.  Inline skating, ice skating, fishing, or anything that requires me to push myself.”  Now I’m no athlete, but those are three of the daintiest physical activities I can think of.  And “inline skating”?  Let’s be serious here, you’re a rollerblader.

“Hi, name is Marty and um…. I am everything you are looking for in a guy! Over Confident? Brash? Likely….. Check my profile out, if you aren’t completely or maybe slightly interested, I’ll refund your subscription price to OKCupid.”  — Oh this isn’t a generic message at all, Marty.  Don’t these guys realize it’s incredibly obvious that they wrote one message that they copy/paste to all the girls?  But it gets worse.  Under The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit he wrote:  “Girls have told me before that I have a huge conch shell collection, and I’m not even from the islands!”  Is that some sort of euphemism I don’t know about?

Suitors of the Week 9

15 Mar

Since rejoining OKCupid this month, I have noticed a few new trends in guys’ profiles.  For example, all of a sudden everyone has a picture of himself holding a pumpkin at a patch!  I don’t remember seeing even one pumpkin patch picture when I was on last year.  It also seems like every guy now has a picture of themselves crotch-to-ass with a male friend, parachuting from a plane.  Did everyone just discover skydiving and pumpkins during the past four months I was gone?  My favorite picture I’ve seen lately was a guy holding his pet parakeet, for whom he had made a tiny origami hat out of newspaper.  Now that’s a real eye-catcher.  Unfortunately however, a lot of the same flimflam still remains on OKCupid.  Before I get to my favorite messages of the week, here’s a little list of the most common offenses I see all the time.

I simply will not respond to your message if you:

1.  Mention that you just got out of a serious relationship.  Oh lord, have I ever learned my lesson!

2.  List your favorite plays instead of favorite books.  Chances are, if you are an actor, it was already hard enough for me to get past your headshot profile picture.  Don’t get me wrong, I love plays and am pretty well-versed in both classical and contemporary theatre repertoire.  But please, if you want people to take you seriously– at least list both.  Neil Simon and Terrence McNally?  Better to just leave those guys off your dating profile all together.

3.  Have gauged ears or are a vegan.  Don’t ask me why, but these are two of the most unattractive things I see on guys’ profiles.  I fully support vegetarianism (I was a pescetarian for six years), but veganism– particularly in an adult male just comes off as high-maintenance/hipster to me.  I am not interested in watching you eat dried seaweed chips.  And where would we go to dinner?  The raw nut section at Trader Joe’s?

4.  Your whole profile is about how many countries you’ve traveled to.  Really, it’s wonderful that you have the money and time do that… but this is a dating website, not a travel agent brochure.  And how am I supposed to tell what you actually look like when your picture is of a pink speck on top of Mount Kilimanjaro, taken in 2008.

5.  These remarkably overused phrases are in your profile:
– “Living the Dream” – I cannot tell you how many men write this under What I’m Doing With My Life.  It tells me nothing about your personality other than you are a big cliché.
– “Work hard, play hard” – This reminds me of my brief stint in the restaurant industry because all of the bros I worked with constantly reinforced it as their rule to live by.  This statement can usually be found under About Me phrased something like “I am the epitome of the work hard/play hard lifestyle.”  Yeah, you and 77,000 other male New Yorkers who were in fraternities in college.
– “Why so serious?” – Honestly, this makes me cringe even more than the last two.  It astounds me on a daily basis how many people have captioned one of their pictures with this banal pop culture reference.  Yes, even I saw Batman.
– “Meh” – If I wanted to date a moody MySpace girl from the year 2004… I guess I wouldn’t be looking for men on OKCupid, now would I?
– Jokes about honey badgers and/or spirit animals.  The cheesy honey badger jokes have been haunting us for a few years now… but where the heck did this outbreak of spirit animal remarks come from?  Probably some Judd Apatow movie.

And now for my favorite messages from the past week:

1.  “Yo shorty.  You lookin’ fine!” – A man who is shorter than I am, sitting barefoot on the floor next to a folded up ironing board.

2.  “Where in Brooklyn do you live?  Maybe I’m your landlord.”  – A Hasidic Jew who lives in my neighborhood.

3.  “Sigh.  The good ones are always too far away.” – A Massachusetts dad with a huge whitehead on his forehead and Heaven’s Gate eyelashes.

4.  “You answered a question on here that you want your next relationship to last for several years.  Booooooo the next lucky guy should have you for a lifetime.”  – A 32 year old man with teeth that resemble a rusty bear trap.

5.  “You are so fuckin’ hot I could cook an egg on you.  Have a great night!”  – A 41 year old man named Rita.

6.  “Did my picture scare you off?” – A man who looks like one of his parents is a tree.

7.  “Hey there how is OKCupid going for you?  It’s going fairly well for me, although I  mostly just play counselor to people.  Talk to you soon. -SH”  – A 40 year old whose screen name is IHaveHerpes.  His entire profile is about how everyone has some type of herpes so it’s nothing to be afraid of.  Rather than talking about himself, he presents paragraph after paragraph of medical statistics.  Under his Six Things I Could Never Do Without he wrote “hand washing” and under The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit he put “I have Herpes.”  I like how he’s willing to advertise his STD on OKCupid but not sign his messages with a first name.  I guess “SH” stands for “Shhhh, I have herpes.”

8.  “I am a thespian at heart, and it used to be a dream of mine. Part me wants that dream back.  However, I do have an affinity for dramatic accessories. I love hats, and I wear a lot of rings and necklaces. On occasion I wear a monocle and carry a walking stick. One of my canes is also a sword.” – I don’t know what can be said about this… it is just so good.  In his picture he’s wearing a monocle attached to his earring and his goatee is tied with a bow.  Although I am vehemently opposed to male accessorizing, I just might have to meet this guy.

I Put a Spell On You

8 Mar

A few days ago I received this message from a Turkish gentleman named Berk:
“Hi, I’ve been living in U.S for couple years. They have been saying to me that I look like J. Depp in here :)  Would u like to get coffee or drink this week?”

I had just rejoined OKCupid and wanted to set up some dates, so I responded to his alluring message that I was free on Thursday.  After agreeing to meet him, I took a more thorough look at his profile and discovered he had on at least three necklaces in all of his pictures.  I don’t know about you, but that is about three necklaces too many if you ask me.  Also, under the “I’m Really Good At” section he wrote “Good listener. This means I listen when a person talking in front of me or over the phone or on the internet platform.”  Ohhh, is that what that means?  This guy was starting to sound like a real bore.  To make matters worse, he began texting me while I was out with friends on Wednesday night.  Here is the conversation that ensued:

Berk:  Hi, how are you doing?

Me:  Magnificent.  You?

Berk:  First time in my life I’m getting answer like that much different then usual is from “how are you” question :)  Thank u I’m good too :) what r u doing up to now?  Are we still on for tomorrow at 6?

Me:  Sure, where?

Berk:  Wanna meet at Barcade or different place?

Me:  Barcade works.  I’ll be the one playing Frogger wearing a mystical cape and holding a wooden staff.

Berk:  You like to wear mystic?

Me:  After nightfall I am free to wear my witch outfits.

Berk:  Hmmm. That’s cool. I liked your pics. Hope you are the same as cute like those. Just kidding :)

Me:  No you aren’t.

Berk:  I believe you are same as pics I meant.  So what’s your hobbies what do u like to do?

Me:  Oh you know.  Witchcraft, treason, cooking in my cauldron, spells, potlucks.  You?

Berk:  Really?  It’s interesting… Mines are routine things. Like sport, soccer. I go to gym sometimes rarely. I like house music. Cinema of course.

Me:  Ah, have you seen The Blair Witch Project?

Berk:  Yes I watched.

Me:  I was in that.  I played the witch.

Berk:  Wooow really bravo!  I only noticed your smile, tattoo and you are scorpion. I didn’t know that you are a witch. Did u do witchcraft on me already? ;)

(The next morning)

Berk:  Hey good morning. So I didn’t see your name on the cast of the Blair Witch Project?

Me:  Drat!  You’ve roused me from my slumbers.  I cannot rise in the morning light.  Only at night, when the moon gleams bright.

Berk:  Sorry.

(Later in the day)

Me:  Regrettably, I won’t be able to join you tonight,  I imbibed too much poisonous toadstool brew last night and am feeling a bit “cursed” today, so to speak.

Berk:  Hmmm ok.

I could have just told Berk the Turk that I changed my mind and didn’t want to go out with him… but at least this way he thinks I’m a spooky witch.  And since everyone apparently tells him he looks like “J. Depp” he shouldn’t have any problem finding another date.

Dear Friend

29 Dec

Have I mentioned that all my friends from back home have a couple of screws loose?  Ah well… I’m one to talk!  I received this email from a significant old friend of mine two days after seeing him briefly over the holidays.  While unrequited infatuation seemed to be the motif of the month, he is a lovely writer and, by far, the wittiest person I know.  And yes, I had to look up “anamnesis.”

“Hey hey–
Insomnic, somnolent, my eyes are glazed, my toes are cold. I should have stayed in bed.
I finally thought to myself: ‘Self, let’s see what she has been up to.’ So I read your blog. You’re a gifted writer, no doubt. Humor and candor are hard to combine.
What a difference between Jeff and I! There are friends, and there are friends. You and I… I know I’ve been deluded, but… I finally saw myself as you see me. I’m ashamed. Distressed. Disappointed. I admit to a profound sadness.
Above everything else, I’m sorry. Really, just sorry for everything. Years ago I had an epiphany; tonight the anamnesis is bitter. I have no complaints. I’m grateful for the heartache, though it’s perverse.
No response would be best. If I want to remind myself what I am to you, I know where to look. Please enjoy the book, Ignatius is someone I have sympathy for. Consider it a souvenir for your trouble.
I will always be available to you, if you should have a need. I will always care for you. From a distance.
Anyway. I guess all that’s left is–
Bye.”

I’m sorry, dear friend, for posting your private email.  But if you aren’t going to exhibit your writing, someone should.  And I surely wouldn’t have the “humor and candor” I have today without you keeping me on my toes all those years.

Love,
Sara

Suitors of the Week 8

13 Dec

I recently disabled my OKCupid account so I can focus on being a person during the holiday season.  Before I did, however, I selected some of my favorite messages from the past couple weeks to share with you:

“Hello my name is Evan and I work at UPS in which I really love my job.  My favorite movie is You Don’t Mess with the Zohan with Adam Sandler.  I do like other films besides the Zohan movie and besides Adam Sandler films.  I like Star Wars 1,2,3,4,5, and 6.” —  Wait a minute, I’m confused.  It is a known fact that UPS men in New York City are ballers… but this man sounds like a first class dweeb.  He must have meant to say he works for Fedex.  Oh well, at least he can count to six!

“What are you up to this weekend, would you like to join me for a cup of something wonderful and some orgasmic conversation?  We’ll make it a quick meeting of 15 minutes and if you’re REALLY psycho, then I could run away and live!”  —  All you need to know about this guy is that his screen name was Cockasaurus, which makes his message even more nauseating.  I’m sure the “psycho” bit really wins him a lot of points with the ladies.  And what is in a cup of something wonderful?  Money?  A genie?  Restitution for the time I wasted reading this message?  No?  Not interested then.

“Wow, we haven’t even left your profile yet and already we miss you!  Have you ever been on a date with two boys before? -Super M and Red October.”  —  What in the world?!  Bi-curious undercover supervillains ARE real!

“Hi, my name is Omar and I’m a interesting person.  I would like to know you.  If that is too much then please allow me to share my stories.  Thank you.”  —  Hi, my name is Sara and you would come up to my shoulder.  This guy’s stats tell me that he is 5’2″ and “really good at pillow fights.”  I’m intrigued by these stories, though.  Especially if they also involve slumber party activities in which pubescent girls of the 1950s partook.

GUY 1:  TRUTH OR DARE?
ME:  Dare
GUY 1:  I’m waiting on a meeting to start. I’m sitting in the waiting room of a realllllllly pimp office in Hudson Square….the view is amazing, but this wait is tooooo long.  Now for the dare: snap a naked photo in front of a mirror while blowing me a kiss and send to my cell ***-***-****
GUY 1:  BOOOOOM!!!!!  Client signed! Wish you could see my touchdown dance
GUY 1:  TRUTH OR DARE
ME:  Truth
GUY 1:  Can I take you out for a drink?
ME:  Truthfully?  Absolutely not.
—  Obviously I didn’t take him up on his dare because I’m not a Floridian stripper.  This sleaze-ball is a prime example of why OKCupid has comment moderators.

GUY 2:  What’s Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable?
ME:  I give up.
GUY 2:  Baraccoli
ME:  Ah, that’s a nice dad joke.
GUY 2:  Did you ever hear about the girl who didn’t have any arms?
ME:  Does this have to do with falling off a swing?
GUY 2:  No.  Her name was Annie.  Knock Knock.
ME:  Who’s there.
GUY 2:  Not Annie  :(
—  His second joke reminded me of when I was auditioning for undergraduate musical theatre programs several years ago.  At the end of my audition for the University of Michigan, the chair of the department asked me to tell them a joke.  The only jokes I knew were (and still are) about poop or penises, which I obviously couldn’t use.  So I told them a horrid joke about some poor amputee girl falling off a swing set.  No one laughed (they were too busy scowling) and the accompanist gave me a sympathetic cringe as she handed me my music and I exited the room.  As you can imagine, I did not get accepted into that program.  If only GUY 2 had contacted me nine years earlier, I’d be on Broadway by now!

A Gnome Ignominy

30 Nov

If you message me something ridiculous on OKCupid while I’m in a jazzy mood, you are going to get messed with.  Gutrak, my immigrant alter-ego from Magic Moments came back out to play with three select suitors the other day.  The fact that these people still try to go out with me after I say crazy things to them never ceases to amaze me.  Number three is my favorite and if he didn’t resemble a miniature alien fetus, I would totally meet him.   Here are the conversations that transpired:

PabsMajong:  Hello!  I want to go on adventures with you.  We can dress up in cool costumes.  When was the last time you wore a cool costume?

Me:  Well in my down time I like to dress up in bear suit in the winter months… and when the weather is warm I get hot so I switch to the mermaid costume.  Omg just thought about boomerangs!  LOVE THEM.

PabsMajong:  You in a bear suit sounds super cuddly!!!  And super sexy in a mermaid outfit.  Do you go to the mermaid parade at Coney Island???  Where are you from?  And do you own any boomerangs?

Me:  I have only whale tooth boomerangs.  I do not know of this parade!  But they tell me at my internship that the Coney Island washed away into the ocean :(

PabsMajong:  Wow, a whale bone boomerang sounds super cool ;)  You heard Coney Island washed away???  I don’t think that’s true…   So what do you do for fun when you’re dressed as a bear or mermaid?  You’re into cosplay?

Me:  Well I do like to pretend I am in the forest grrr-ing at the eagles and wood hens.  Or that I am inside the sea with mer-men and sea horses making fantastical arts from the seaweeds.  You?!

PabsMajong:  I’ve never done any cosplay, but I can definitely get into it because of my imagination, maybe you can be my ambassador to that world?  Where are you by the way?

Me:  I am everywhere, like the wind.

PabsMajong:  Haha so how is the internship going?

Me:  Great!  Yesterday I nailed some wood together and then I closed my head in a drawer!

PabsMajong:  Thats cool that you get to be hands on with your job.

*****

JeffJones4U:  Wanna play naked Twister with me?

Me:  Yes omg how did you know?!

JeffJones4U:  Saw you answered that question on here LOL.  Now I wanna play to.

Me:  It’s DA BOMB.  I love getting tangled up with other nakeds!

JeffJones4U:  Niceeee.  Skin touching skin.  It gets sweaty to!!!

Me:  Very sweaty.  Caution not to slip and squish someone’s gonad!

JeffJones4U:  Haha.  Tru.  Very sweaty is good.  Haha lick the sweat while playing LOL

Me:  You are very bendy man?  Maybe do a splits?  Is very good for naked Twister.

JeffJones4U:  I do hip hop dancing so I can pop, break and lock.  Yes it is great for naked twister.  Yes I can do the splits.   Are you bendy to?

Me:  I used to put my legs behind my head but then once I got stuck for hours and I had to skuttle to the telephone like a crab to call the 911!

JeffJones4U:  Haha. It should be easy naked then.  I’d have to hold ur feet while you do it lol now thats team work.  When are u free?

*****

BigFoot123:  Let’s get drinks tonight!

Me:  First please tell me about your gnome desires.

BigFoot123:  If you speak of the garden variety, I strongly dislike them and believe they should be slain with a hand axe.   Would you like to meet?

BigFoot123:  Hey, I hope my comment didn’t put you off… The way you speak of gnomes, I’m assuming you like them or enjoy their company?  That’s OK, I’ll care more for them if that’s what you like, but I do prefer a barrel chested dwarf chiseling the mountain into a stone fortress.  Hope to hear back from you!

Horse Man Returns

17 Nov

On Thursday morning I was surprised to see a familiar face pop up in my inbox.  It was HORSE MAN.  For those who aren’t as well-versed in my suitor history, Horse Man initially contacted me about seven months ago.  We exchanged far more emails than I usually do before meeting someone and he traveled to Morocco at one point, promising me a Moroccan keychain upon his return.  After four or five cancellations, Horse Man swore that he would meet me at Art Bar one night.  I waited for twenty minutes past the time he was supposed to arrive and eventually received a text saying he wasn’t going to make it because an old college friend was in town.  This was the second time I have ever been stood up, the first being, of course, The Artist who painted with his ball sack.  In the end, I wasn’t all that disappointed about missing out on a chance to meet this horse, but I had been looking forward to that Moroccan keychain.  Oh well, even I have my limits with how much crap I will put up with from men from the internet.

Back to Thursday.  Here are the messages that were exchanged:

HORSE MAN:  So I don’t deserve it, because I failed at meeting you about forty two times. In my own defense, I was dealing with a lot of family issues with my father remarrying a cave troll, and it made me pretty flippant.  All water under the bridge. If you were ever up for it. I would legitimately meet you wherever you wanted and I will even be the best most fun date ever.  PS my sister stole your Morocco keychain.

ME:  Well since you’re related to a cave troll I guess I have no choice but to excuse your behavior.  But why would I have reason to believe you wouldn’t stand me up again?

HORSE MAN:  You really don’t, I suppose. And I definitely do not deserve another chance after I let you down before. But for what it’s worth, we obviously had quite an interest in meeting each other, and I think have quite a lot in common that would be fun to dig up.  (Note:  I was interested in digging up that keychain)  I am not here to waste anyone’s time.  I am actively looking for a fellow amazing person with whom to cause all sorts of merrymaking throughout this life.

ME:  OK fine.  Do you still have my number?  Text me… I’m sure you’re still in my phone but I can’t remember what I saved you under. Probably “GuyWhoStoodMeUp” (he’s actually under “Horse Man.”)

HORSE MAN:  I do not have your number. I deleted it after it was clear my bridge was burnt.  You can give it to me or you can text me at ***-***-****.  You can keep me in your phone as “GuyWhoStoodMeUp” though.  I suppose I will have to earn a better name for myself.

ME:  Mine is ***-***-****.  Lucy’s Bar.  5:30.  Be there… or don’t, if anyone in your family gets remarried or something on your way over.

HORSE MAN:  My birthday is in your phone number.  It’s a sign.  (Of what, that I’m your next murder victim?)

ME:  My birthday is in 2 days.  Guess I won’t be getting any Moroccan keychains.

HORSE MAN:  Please remind me to ask you about coming with me to Morocco this summer.  (Whoa buddy, let’s at least meet first before you start in about traveling to foreign countries together.)

Honestly, I was a little nervous about meeting him due to his strange behavior.  And I had previously wondered if he was even a real person or someone I knew/went out with in the past who was screwing with me.  Before, I had wanted to meet him because of the keychain… but now I was really just curious to see if he actually existed.  I arrived at the bar considering whether I was about to be abducted and should ask a friend to check on me in a few hours.

Horse Man arrived at the bar about five minutes later and I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out “You DO exist!”  He laughed, apologized again for his previous actions, and paid for my drinks.  He explained how much he hated his step-mother and blamed his flakiness on his disdain for his father’s recent marriage.  He also told me that his first OKCupid date had been so horrifying that it had turned him off from the whole idea and that’s when he stood me up.  I hear a lot of OKCupid horror stories, but here’s a new one, even for me.  Apparently, while Horse Man was waiting to meet his first ever blind date in a bar, she called him hysterically crying and told him to come outside.  When he exited the bar, he saw a girl in a white dress sitting on the curb, covered in blood.  As he approached her, he noticed there was a severed finger lying next to her on the ground!  She explained that she had gotten out of a van cab to go meet him and accidentally closed her finger in the sliding door.  She screamed as the driver began to pull away, causing him to slam on his breaks, the force of which ripped off her left pointer finger.  Horse Man said that he ran into a bodega, grabbed a newspaper and a cup of ice, scooped up his date’s finger with the paper and got her to a hospital.  He stayed with her at the emergency room until five AM while she got her finger sewn back on.  What a handful.  He said he deleted his account for a few weeks after this incident, then rejoined and now goes out on at least five new dates per week.  Despite this admission, I decided not to tell him that I had another blind date lined up in an hour (I had penciled him in before my other date in case he decided not to show up again).

We stayed for another couple drinks and he invited me to go to Morocco with him for two weeks next summer.  I tried to figure out what he did for work, but his description was incredibly confusing and he had a slight lisp which didn’t help matters.  He also jutted his mouth to one side when he spoke, as if reaching for that last stalk of hay through the fence  He was nice though, and I had a better time with him than I had expected.  And he didn’t kidnap or roofie me, which is always appreciated.

After many months of flakiness and empty keychain promises, it was nice to finally meet Horse Man and calm my fears that he was a jilted former blind date who was cyber-stalking me and was going to drug and kill me.  I think I watch too many TV shows about murder.  But the moral of the story here is always be mindful of your surroundings.  If you aren’t, you never know when you might get roofied by an Australian, or stalked by a mysterious figure in a green coat, or have your finger severed off by a van cab.

Stay tuned for my second date of the evening– with a perverted attorney.