Shaun the Faun

26 Mar

I’ve been trying to figure out how I can draw an analogy between the tale of Three Billy Goats Gruff and this blind date because he looked exactly like a billy goat… but then that would make me the troll.  Or, if I outsmarted him in the end and HE’S the troll, then that makes me the fattest of the three goats.  Either way it doesn’t look good for me.  Anyway, I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much “Shaun” looked like a billy goat the whole time we were out together.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE goats… but only when they are full-goat and not half-goat, half-man.

Shaun initially messaged me saying that my profile was the funniest one he’s ever seen on OKCupid.  How could I not respond to such a compliment?  He informed me that we would get along great in person because we have such a similar sense of humor.  However, the more I got a taste of his “jokes” the more I was turned off by the whole idea.  Most of his profile was about how funny he is and under the I’m Really Good At section he wrote “Off-beat, absurd jokes.”  If I’ve learned anything from my experience on OKCupid it’s that if you have to tell people how funny you are… chances are you are not that funny.  Here’s an excerpt from our messages:

Him:  I was once told never ask a woman about her tattoos.  That being said, I’d like to ask about your tattoos.
Me:  Ok, what would you like to know about them?
Him:  I don’t know.  Geez, you’re SOOOOO impatient!
Him:  Ok you caught me, I don’t have any questions.  I just thought it would be a good set up for my hilarious joke.  You know, being like I was asking a question and then not really asking a question.  That’s funny right?

So by now there were a lot of warning signs that this wasn’t going to go well for me.  But, after a regretable slip of my mouse-clicking finger, he had my phone number.  One night, he texted me while I was on the train and when I got home I had an another message from him about how ignoring each others’ texts was not a good start to our relationship.  I wrote back that I wasn’t ignoring him and he explained to me that it had just been one of his off-color jokes.  I tried to reason that perhaps he wasn’t as annoying in person, and agreed to accompany him to see his friend’s band play that weekend.

We met at a nearby bar ahead of time to get the introductions out of the way before going to the show.  The first thing I noticed was that his boobs were bigger than mine.  He wasn’t overweight or anything so I figured he must spend a lot of time at the gym when he’s not busy thinking up bad jokes.  His shirt was too tight for him and the space between the buttons was gaping a bit between his jugs.  He was also sporting a pair of dad jeans, bushy sideburns, and the ever-troubling square-toed dress shoe.  After getting a good look at that shoe, I asked him what he did for a living and he began a tricky explanation of international tax laws or something like that.  He might as well have been speaking a different language, so my thoughts drifted to an image of goats nibbling hay in a petting zoo– their lips wiggling side to side, up and down.  I wondered if Shaun’s lips were wiggly when he was eating grains.  He had bad posture and his upper back was completely rounded as he hunched over the table, his chin resting on his forearms.  I wasn’t sure why he was in such a position, but hey, whatever makes you comfortable.  When I spoke, he would listen with his mouth open, breathing his less-than-fresh breath in a heavy stream at my face.  Before we left, I made a comment about how the couple next to us was practically having intercourse at the bar and he said “At least we’re only catching the TAIL END of it!  GET IT?  GET IT?”  No.  No, I don’t.

We finished our beers and walked over to the bar where his friend’s band was playing.  As we made our way through the small venue, Shaun kept running into more and more people he knew.  He sensed that I was confused and explained that he knew the lead singer of the band because he worked with Shaun’s ex-fiancée.  All of the people he knew at the concert were her friends.  “Wow, this is awkward… I didn’t think about that” he said.  Yeah, a really nice choice for a first date.  Hats off to you.  I could feel about six pairs of heavily-lined eyes glued to me as I took a seat next to Shaun and I had an urge to go over and assure them that I wasn’t interested.  He was again practically curled into a ball on his barstool, so that it looked like he didn’t have a neck.  At one point he said to me “Hey, go tell the band to keep it down because we’re on a date!” then cracked up at himself.  He brought up his ex-fiancée several more times so I finally asked why they broke off the engagement after six years of being together.  “Because she’s a bitch” he replied, then explained “That was a joke!  HAHAHA!”

I ordered a second beer because he had paid my cover to get in, so I thought it would be rude to leave before the band was done playing.  When they were finally finished, Shaun said “Should I introduce the lead singer to you as ‘the sexy guy I’ve been telling you about all night?’  That’s funny right?!  Because he’s a guy and I’m a guy?!”  It was becoming difficult for me to hide my aversion to him so I told him I was going to head home.  He said “I hope you had as great a time as I did!  Sorry I’m blasting in your face! HAHA, get it?!”  S.O.S.  Send help.

Shaun had already messaged me by the time I got home to let me know that he had changed some of the jokes in his OKCupid profile.  I thanked him again for paying my cover and then proceeded to bury my head under six pillows until the incessant BAAA-ing ringing in my ears finally stopped.


3 Responses to “Shaun the Faun”

  1. mysecretsinglebehavior March 30, 2013 at 11:54 am #

    Love it. I think I have a writer’s crush.

  2. Alexa Rose September 6, 2013 at 10:52 pm #

    youre totes n goats it

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