My Hero!

21 Mar

Last time I was on OKCupid I met lawyers, computer programmers, doctors, mimes, musicians, writers, teachers, bankers… the list goes on.  So I am a little confused as to why I am only being messaged by stand-up comedians!  Well, comedians and a hearty handful of graphic designers and video editors.  There must be something in my profile that is attracting these special breeds.  Anyway, last week after getting messaged by probably my ninth stand-up comedian, I finally gave in and arranged a date with the most persistent of the bunch.  "Bryan” seemed cute and less of a hot mess than the others.  Boy, was I in for a treat.

Several minutes after I sat down to wait at the bar, I received a text saying that I should turn around because he was sitting at a table behind me.  He was simultaneously reading a newspaper and listening to his ipod, which I thought were strange things to be doing while waiting for your blind date.  I sat down at his table and he snapped his paper shut and pulled out his earbuds with such force that they flew across the table and hit me in the chest.  He began by lamenting how crappy his ipod classic was and I pulled mine out of my coat pocket to show that I have the same one.  "Let me see that!” he barked, ripping it out of my hand and sending my earbuds flying straight into his beer.  I didn’t say anything, but dried them off with a napkin under the table.  I could tell it was going to be a long hour.

Bryan immediately launched into (what I gathered was) his stand-up material– telling stories about himself in ways that were clearly set-ups for his punchlines.  When he finished his sentences, he would pause, then repeat the last phrase, waiting for me to laugh… which I did every once in awhile just to humor him because it was getting awkward and he seemed desperate for attention.  I barely said a word since he had so much to say about himself and whenever I would start to speak he interrupted me.  As he went on and on, I thought about how he must be a really problematic lover– I had recently read an article about how men who are totally self-involved and bad at listening are generally pretty terrible in the sack.  At one point he said “Wow, you’re really making me work for a laugh. I feel like I’m bombing here!”  Yeah, because I didn’t have seven Mountain Dews on the way over and I don’t think you’re that funny.  His arm gestures were so grandiose that they were making me dizzy and eventually the inevitable happened– he knocked over his beer with a giant swoop, spilling it all over a girl who happened to be passing by.  I could tell he was nervous, but he needed to bring it down a few notches.  When he mentioned that he was 38, but not yet ready for a relationship I almost choked on my wine.  "Yeah… didn’t you read my profile?” he asked after seeing my reaction to his age.  I did, I had just forgotten because of how he was acting on our date.  Geez, why are men in New York so complicated?!

Bryan was very abrasive and spent the hour insulting just about everyone.  He called our server a hipster to his face before talking about how he doesn’t like improv and sketch comedy people because they’re “corny and unoriginal.”  He said he doesn’t get along with other comedians… or his coworkers… or his friends from back home… or his family.  He also shared that he owes upwards of $12,000 to the IRS for cheating on his taxes.  Oh, and his ex-girlfriend was apparently a psycho and punched him in the face.  All very attractive things to tell someone you met less than an hour ago.  This guy was the epitome of the “victim” type– In his mind he is just a good guy trying to follow his dreams and everybody else is bringing him down because they don’t understand or are out to get him.  I am very familiar with this type of guy because I dated one a few years ago.  Bryan reminded me so much of him it was a little creepy.

The icing on the cake was when Bryan asked me if I wanted to watch his stand-up routines on his ipod.  What was I supposed to say, no?!  I put my beer-soaked earbuds in and watched not one, but TWO of his stand up routines.  I have to say that the first one was more entertaining than the material I was getting live and in person.  At any rate, it was time to go.  He picked up the bill (which was much appreciated) and after I helped him calculate the tip, he informed me that he was going to walk me to the train.  I know he was trying to be chivalrous, but I really just wanted out of there.  Walking full-speed to the G train, I was glued to Google Maps on my phone… when it happened.  I fell in a hole.  The sidewalk had cut out on my side to make room for a tree and I had missed the memo, not watching where I was going.  Luckily, as I started to fall, Bryan was quick to catch me before I landed.  We shared a laugh over it, but then he decided to reenact the moment (so he could grab me again I’m guessing).  Without warning, he lightly pushed me in the middle of the street then enveloped me in a large embrace as I tripped again, this time on his encroaching Nikes.  "What are you trying to do, kill me?!” I exclaimed, only half-kidding.  Thankfully, we somehow made it to the subway in one piece and I swiftly descended the steps, shouting “Yeah OK!” up the steps… which I think was an agreement to eat Ethiopian food with him later in the week.  No thanks.

“I just fell in a hole trying to escape a comedian who made me watch two of his stand-up routines on a blind date” I texted my friend.  "That sucks, I just slept with both of my neighbors” she wrote back.

It occurred to me that I can’t exactly ream Bryan for acting a fool and spilling his beer on someone because– let’s face it– I fell in a hole.  Who knows, maybe as I write this very blog post he is up in Astoria developing new material about how he saved the life of this crazy girl who fell in a hole during our blind date.  

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4 Responses to “My Hero!”

  1. reocochran March 22, 2013 at 9:42 am #

    I think funny comedians would be good dates, but not abrasive ones. I guess if you want professionals you may want to check out this “Just for Lunch (or dinner)” It aims at professionals…. Just wishing fun times and productive relationships in your future!

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog March 24, 2013 at 8:15 am #

      Comedians ARE good for a date… until you try to keep dating them and you realize that they are the most self-involved people ever! Ha I don’t think I could pass for a professional, but that’s an interesting suggestion I’ll have to check out! Thanks again!

  2. mysecretsinglebehavior March 22, 2013 at 1:16 pm #

    Great writing! I felt like I was on the date with you.

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