Suitors of the Week 9

15 Mar

Since rejoining OKCupid this month, I have noticed a few new trends in guys’ profiles.  For example, all of a sudden everyone has a picture of himself holding a pumpkin at a patch!  I don’t remember seeing even one pumpkin patch picture when I was on last year.  It also seems like every guy now has a picture of themselves crotch-to-ass with a male friend, parachuting from a plane.  Did everyone just discover skydiving and pumpkins during the past four months I was gone?  My favorite picture I’ve seen lately was a guy holding his pet parakeet, for whom he had made a tiny origami hat out of newspaper.  Now that’s a real eye-catcher.  Unfortunately however, a lot of the same flimflam still remains on OKCupid.  Before I get to my favorite messages of the week, here’s a little list of the most common offenses I see all the time.

I simply will not respond to your message if you:

1.  Mention that you just got out of a serious relationship.  Oh lord, have I ever learned my lesson!

2.  List your favorite plays instead of favorite books.  Chances are, if you are an actor, it was already hard enough for me to get past your headshot profile picture.  Don’t get me wrong, I love plays and am pretty well-versed in both classical and contemporary theatre repertoire.  But please, if you want people to take you seriously– at least list both.  Neil Simon and Terrence McNally?  Better to just leave those guys off your dating profile all together.

3.  Have gauged ears or are a vegan.  Don’t ask me why, but these are two of the most unattractive things I see on guys’ profiles.  I fully support vegetarianism (I was a pescetarian for six years), but veganism– particularly in an adult male just comes off as high-maintenance/hipster to me.  I am not interested in watching you eat dried seaweed chips.  And where would we go to dinner?  The raw nut section at Trader Joe’s?

4.  Your whole profile is about how many countries you’ve traveled to.  Really, it’s wonderful that you have the money and time do that… but this is a dating website, not a travel agent brochure.  And how am I supposed to tell what you actually look like when your picture is of a pink speck on top of Mount Kilimanjaro, taken in 2008.

5.  These remarkably overused phrases are in your profile:
– “Living the Dream” – I cannot tell you how many men write this under What I’m Doing With My Life.  It tells me nothing about your personality other than you are a big cliché.
– “Work hard, play hard” – This reminds me of my brief stint in the restaurant industry because all of the bros I worked with constantly reinforced it as their rule to live by.  This statement can usually be found under About Me phrased something like “I am the epitome of the work hard/play hard lifestyle.”  Yeah, you and 77,000 other male New Yorkers who were in fraternities in college.
– “Why so serious?” – Honestly, this makes me cringe even more than the last two.  It astounds me on a daily basis how many people have captioned one of their pictures with this banal pop culture reference.  Yes, even I saw Batman.
– “Meh” – If I wanted to date a moody MySpace girl from the year 2004… I guess I wouldn’t be looking for men on OKCupid, now would I?
– Jokes about honey badgers and/or spirit animals.  The cheesy honey badger jokes have been haunting us for a few years now… but where the heck did this outbreak of spirit animal remarks come from?  Probably some Judd Apatow movie.

And now for my favorite messages from the past week:

1.  “Yo shorty.  You lookin’ fine!” – A man who is shorter than I am, sitting barefoot on the floor next to a folded up ironing board.

2.  “Where in Brooklyn do you live?  Maybe I’m your landlord.”  – A Hasidic Jew who lives in my neighborhood.

3.  “Sigh.  The good ones are always too far away.” – A Massachusetts dad with a huge whitehead on his forehead and Heaven’s Gate eyelashes.

4.  “You answered a question on here that you want your next relationship to last for several years.  Booooooo the next lucky guy should have you for a lifetime.”  – A 32 year old man with teeth that resemble a rusty bear trap.

5.  “You are so fuckin’ hot I could cook an egg on you.  Have a great night!”  – A 41 year old man named Rita.

6.  “Did my picture scare you off?” – A man who looks like one of his parents is a tree.

7.  “Hey there how is OKCupid going for you?  It’s going fairly well for me, although I  mostly just play counselor to people.  Talk to you soon. -SH”  – A 40 year old whose screen name is IHaveHerpes.  His entire profile is about how everyone has some type of herpes so it’s nothing to be afraid of.  Rather than talking about himself, he presents paragraph after paragraph of medical statistics.  Under his Six Things I Could Never Do Without he wrote “hand washing” and under The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit he put “I have Herpes.”  I like how he’s willing to advertise his STD on OKCupid but not sign his messages with a first name.  I guess “SH” stands for “Shhhh, I have herpes.”

8.  “I am a thespian at heart, and it used to be a dream of mine. Part me wants that dream back.  However, I do have an affinity for dramatic accessories. I love hats, and I wear a lot of rings and necklaces. On occasion I wear a monocle and carry a walking stick. One of my canes is also a sword.” – I don’t know what can be said about this… it is just so good.  In his picture he’s wearing a monocle attached to his earring and his goatee is tied with a bow.  Although I am vehemently opposed to male accessorizing, I just might have to meet this guy.

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6 Responses to “Suitors of the Week 9”

  1. reocochran March 16, 2013 at 12:26 am #

    Oh my goodness, I put in one of my blogs (for my experiences of looking at men over fifty) that there were men leaning over a motorcycle where you could not see their big bellies due to the angle of the shot. Another attempt was to hold a grandchild in front of their body and one man stood in what seemed like a very tall arch and he looked like he almost reached the ceiling. Alas, he was short and the arch was short, too. Funny examples you gave! Love your blog!

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog March 17, 2013 at 8:53 am #

      That sounds hilarious! I’m sure you have a whole slew of observations about the tricks that older gentlemen have up their sleeves on dating websites. I love the guy who manipulated the angle to make himself and the arch look tall. I will definitely have to check out that post!

  2. mollytopia March 17, 2013 at 5:33 pm #

    Love love love – genius post! So glad I’m not dating on the crazy interwebs, but you make it insanely interesting and hilarious – champion! Can’t wait to read more. Do it.

  3. mysecretsinglebehavior March 22, 2013 at 2:10 pm #

    I remember seeing a guy whose profile name was HSV-2 without a face shot on OK. Umm…wtf???

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