Archive | March, 2013

The Law Blob

31 Mar

It’s always a letdown when a promising date turns out to be a total disappointment!  "Craig” was tall, cute, and listened to good music according to his OKCupid profile.  He used to work at a juvenile detention center and was now getting his law degree.  He initially messaged me with a charming line beginning with “Hey pretty lady!” and I instantly singled him out as the most elegible bachelor in my inbox.

The night we met, Craig was twenty minutes late.  I was already depressed about the date because I had gotten soaked in the rain on the way over, and the bar was playing terrible music.  After five minutes I texted him asking if he was close and he wrote back “a few blocks away.”  Fifteen minutes later he came in muttering “sorry I’m late.”  Before he had even situated himself onto the barstool, he began aggressively firing off questions that seemed like he had prepared them on the way over.  I don’t think he was actually interested in my responses, because he barely made eye contact before rattling off the next question in an apathetic voice.  He didn’t smile for the majority of the date, and I noticed he had a cold because he sounded congested and kept blowing his nose.  The reality of how bad this date was hit me when Craig was emptying his nasal passages in perfect rhythm to the Coldplay song that was playing on one side of me, while two girls loudly feasted on multiple McChickens on my other side.

Craig was easily confused by much of what I was telling him.  It took awhile for him to understand the trains I take between my apartment in Brooklyn and my job in Manhattan.  I don’t know where the disconnect was, but after I explained to him several different ways that I take the G train to either the L or the A, he was still arguing “but the L and the A don’t connect with each other in Brooklyn!”  I eventually had to show him using the subway app on his phone (he has lived in New York City his whole life, by the way).  After I told him about going to grad school for musical theatre, he asked me which school I attended.  "Oh, you went to a conservatory.  So what instrument did you play then?”  "…well, I majored in musical theatre.”  Were we speaking two different languages?  I could also tell he had a need to be right when we disagreed about something.  At one point I said that I thought a song that was playing was off a certain album, and he dug through his backpack so he could get out his ipod and scroll through it for several minutes, just to prove me wrong.  Lawyer thing?  Only-child thing?

Aside from being a native New Yorker, I learned that he was an only child, which, I’m sorry to say is quickly becoming a deal breaker for me.  Every single only-child I have dated has had major issues with communication.  Often they are self-involved to the point where I wonder if it’s because they never grew up sharing their parents’ attention with another sibling.

Craig eventually did let down his guard a bit… but only after he ordered himself a large shot of Jack Daniels.  We chatted somewhat less tensely about cooking, wine, and music.  As the conversation came to a lull again, I took the opportunity to suggest we call it a night.  He didn’t even offer to pay for my three dollar beers or walk me to the subway– which even the most offensive suitor always does.  But that was ok, I was totally uninterested in spending any more time with Craig and I suspected the feeling was mutual.

So you can imagine my surprise when, the next night, I got a text from Craig asking what kind of cabernet sauvignon he should pair with his bowl of chili.  He continued to text me while I was at a concert about what a nice time he had the night before and how we should get together again.  I did not know how to respond A) because his actions the night before had not at ALL indicated that he wanted to go on another date, and B) who pairs a fine wine with a vat of chili?

People always joke that single women get excited about men who are doctors or lawyers.  But in my experience, the guys who sound the best on paper are the worst when it comes to having an actual conversation.

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Angel of Death

28 Mar

So a Hasidic Jew and a shiksa walk into a hipster bar on the eve of Passover…

But seriously, the other night I went on a blind date with a Hasidic Jew.  I’m not gonna lie to you, I was a little hesitant about it at first.  Some stereotypes of Hasidic men are that they dislike non-Jewish people, or even that they are big sleezebags who go around kidnapping women and forcing them into their underground brothels.  But that seemed silly to me and we were meeting at a crowded bar in the middle of Williamsburg.  The Hasid (as he referred to himself online) had been messaging me for a couple weeks, and when he asked me out for drinks I agreed, mainly because I had many questions.  The night before we were to meet, he informed me that his profile picture was fake (to protect his identity) and emailed me his real pictures.  He then wanted to know whether I thought his real picture or his fake picture was more attractive.  I didn’t really know how to respond– both the real him and fake him were short, skinny men with glasses, long beards, and the usual Hasidic get-up.

Admittedly, I had never even seen a Hasid until I moved to Brooklyn.  I guess Wisconsin isn’t a big Hasidic hot spot.  For those of you who don’t know, Hasidic Judaism is a branch of Orthodox Judaism that is very prominent in certain neighborhoods in Brooklyn.  Most of the building owners here are Hasidic, including my former and current landlord.  Hasidic men wear black three-piece suits, white dress shirts, yarmulkes or large rabbit fur hats, and have a long curl on either side of their face.  The women also must have their arms, legs, and neck covered, even when it’s 100 degrees out.  They too wear all black, and married women have to wear a wig or scarf on their head.

The Hasid couldn’t meet until 10:30pm because sneaking off to a bar to meet a non-Hasidic woman is risky business.  On the eve before Passover, no less!  I didn’t want to go all the way home then back out again, so I spent an hour and a half at La Esquina, eating fish tacos and swapping blind date stories with the bartender over a couple pre-Hasid glasses of wine.  She had a really good one involving an uppity lesbian with poached egg all over her face.

When I got to The Levee, I found The Hasid sitting at a table in the back, a large black hoodie covering his traditional garb. He lowered the hood to reveal a pair of tightly wound curls and a velvet yarmulke.  Looking back I don’t remember if we shook hands or not; I know Hasidic men are not allowed to touch women who aren’t their wife.  He explained that he had to be very careful going to and from bars to meet women because Hasids are very gossipy and will drive around in their minivans looking for something to talk about.  Once, a Hasidic landlord caught him on the cameras in his building going into a girl’s apartment and reported it to his boss in an attempt to get him fired.  Another time, his boss found his OKCupid profile open on his work computer and that was a big scandal as well.  The Hasid bought us a round of beers and I began my questionnaire:

Me:  Can you only drink kosher beer?
Him:  No, we can only drink kosher wine.  Most beer and liquor is already kosher.
Me:  But you can’t possibly be allowed to go on OKCupid?
Him:  I’m not.  We are not supposed to mingle with non-Hasidics, that’s also why we’re not supposed to be in bars.  But lots of Hasidic men still go to bars late at night.
Me:  Ah, so you’re a rebel.  Is there a Hasidics-only dating website like J Date?
Him:  No, because we are supposed to use a Matchmaker.
Me:  A yenta.
Him:  Yes, how do you know about yentas?
Me:  I was in “Fiddler on the Roof” once.  So only men go to bars and women have to stay home all the time with the kids?
Him:  Pretty much.  Sometimes we have Hasidic concerts, but the sexes are segregated by a fence.  The men are allowed to dance, but the women have to stay seated because they can’t dance in the presence of men.
Me:  You mentioned on your profile that you’re divorced.  That’s allowed?
Him:  Of course it’s allowed.
Me:  So what about divorced women?  They still have to hide in their homes all day and night?
Him:  Yeah, Hasidic girls go to school until they’re 18, then get married and start having children immediately.  Some have seven or eight kids.  By the time they’re done raising all their children they are old.
Me:  Well that sounds pretty unfair that the men get to go out dancing and carousing, but the women don’t get to do anything but get pregnant and sit around the house.
Him:  Yeah, it is.

The Hasid told me to get up early the next morning and walk around Bedford Stuyvesant because all of the Hasids would be out burning their bread on the street corners.  This is because they aren’t allowed to eat bread for eight(?) days during Passover, so they burn all their leftover loaves the morning prior to the holiday.  He asked me if I knew the story of Passover and I said no… but if it was any consolation I also thought Easter was just a holiday for celebrating bunnies and chicks until I was like 18 years old.  This was due to the fact that my family is not at all religious, so for Easter we just dyed eggs and went on fun egg hunts, then visited some newly hatched chicks at the local mall.  I loved Easter.  Then I went away to college in Missouri and saw a “Happy Resurrection” card at Walmart and it was all downhill from there.

Surprisingly enough, The Hasid shared that he had met a lot of non-Jewish women on OKCupid and had made some good friends.  When I asked him if he’d ever get married again, he said probably not.  But apparently a girl he met on OKCupid, whom he was having a secret affair with, wanted a relationship with him and was incredibly upset when he said he couldn’t date her because she was Asian.  Another girl he met on OKCupid told him it was one of her biggest fantasies to sleep with a Hasidic Jew, and spent the whole date talking about it.  Wow, who knew?  On my to-do list I have things like “pick up laundry,” “vacuum cat hair” and “don’t eat pizza for breakfast.”  Not “have sex with a Hasid.”

When our beers were empty and I had run out of questions, he offered to give me a ride home since we live in the same neighborhood.  It was a tempting offer, but I declined, saying I didn’t feel comfortable getting into a stranger’s vehicle– especially a minivan.  This guy was a real rule-breaker and I didn’t want him to try any funny business once we were alone in his Honda Odyssey.

This date was informative and The Hasid was a very nice man.  I learned a thing or two about my Brooklyn neighbors (at least The Hasid’s version of them) and got some insider tips on ensuring I get my damage deposit back when I move in a couple months.  When I told a coworker I went out with a Hasidic Jew the night before Passover he said “Whoa, you’re like the Angel of Death!”  I laughed… thirty minutes later, after I Wikipedia-ed that reference and actually got it.  Now I was really feeling jazzy!  What’s next, a monk?  Maybe… I have spotted one lingering around the West Village handing out pamphlets…

Shaun the Faun

26 Mar

I’ve been trying to figure out how I can draw an analogy between the tale of Three Billy Goats Gruff and this blind date because he looked exactly like a billy goat… but then that would make me the troll.  Or, if I outsmarted him in the end and HE’S the troll, then that makes me the fattest of the three goats.  Either way it doesn’t look good for me.  Anyway, I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much “Shaun” looked like a billy goat the whole time we were out together.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE goats… but only when they are full-goat and not half-goat, half-man.

Shaun initially messaged me saying that my profile was the funniest one he’s ever seen on OKCupid.  How could I not respond to such a compliment?  He informed me that we would get along great in person because we have such a similar sense of humor.  However, the more I got a taste of his “jokes” the more I was turned off by the whole idea.  Most of his profile was about how funny he is and under the I’m Really Good At section he wrote “Off-beat, absurd jokes.”  If I’ve learned anything from my experience on OKCupid it’s that if you have to tell people how funny you are… chances are you are not that funny.  Here’s an excerpt from our messages:

Him:  I was once told never ask a woman about her tattoos.  That being said, I’d like to ask about your tattoos.
Me:  Ok, what would you like to know about them?
Him:  I don’t know.  Geez, you’re SOOOOO impatient!
Him:  Ok you caught me, I don’t have any questions.  I just thought it would be a good set up for my hilarious joke.  You know, being like I was asking a question and then not really asking a question.  That’s funny right?

So by now there were a lot of warning signs that this wasn’t going to go well for me.  But, after a regretable slip of my mouse-clicking finger, he had my phone number.  One night, he texted me while I was on the train and when I got home I had an another message from him about how ignoring each others’ texts was not a good start to our relationship.  I wrote back that I wasn’t ignoring him and he explained to me that it had just been one of his off-color jokes.  I tried to reason that perhaps he wasn’t as annoying in person, and agreed to accompany him to see his friend’s band play that weekend.

We met at a nearby bar ahead of time to get the introductions out of the way before going to the show.  The first thing I noticed was that his boobs were bigger than mine.  He wasn’t overweight or anything so I figured he must spend a lot of time at the gym when he’s not busy thinking up bad jokes.  His shirt was too tight for him and the space between the buttons was gaping a bit between his jugs.  He was also sporting a pair of dad jeans, bushy sideburns, and the ever-troubling square-toed dress shoe.  After getting a good look at that shoe, I asked him what he did for a living and he began a tricky explanation of international tax laws or something like that.  He might as well have been speaking a different language, so my thoughts drifted to an image of goats nibbling hay in a petting zoo– their lips wiggling side to side, up and down.  I wondered if Shaun’s lips were wiggly when he was eating grains.  He had bad posture and his upper back was completely rounded as he hunched over the table, his chin resting on his forearms.  I wasn’t sure why he was in such a position, but hey, whatever makes you comfortable.  When I spoke, he would listen with his mouth open, breathing his less-than-fresh breath in a heavy stream at my face.  Before we left, I made a comment about how the couple next to us was practically having intercourse at the bar and he said “At least we’re only catching the TAIL END of it!  GET IT?  GET IT?”  No.  No, I don’t.

We finished our beers and walked over to the bar where his friend’s band was playing.  As we made our way through the small venue, Shaun kept running into more and more people he knew.  He sensed that I was confused and explained that he knew the lead singer of the band because he worked with Shaun’s ex-fiancée.  All of the people he knew at the concert were her friends.  “Wow, this is awkward… I didn’t think about that” he said.  Yeah, a really nice choice for a first date.  Hats off to you.  I could feel about six pairs of heavily-lined eyes glued to me as I took a seat next to Shaun and I had an urge to go over and assure them that I wasn’t interested.  He was again practically curled into a ball on his barstool, so that it looked like he didn’t have a neck.  At one point he said to me “Hey, go tell the band to keep it down because we’re on a date!” then cracked up at himself.  He brought up his ex-fiancée several more times so I finally asked why they broke off the engagement after six years of being together.  “Because she’s a bitch” he replied, then explained “That was a joke!  HAHAHA!”

I ordered a second beer because he had paid my cover to get in, so I thought it would be rude to leave before the band was done playing.  When they were finally finished, Shaun said “Should I introduce the lead singer to you as ‘the sexy guy I’ve been telling you about all night?’  That’s funny right?!  Because he’s a guy and I’m a guy?!”  It was becoming difficult for me to hide my aversion to him so I told him I was going to head home.  He said “I hope you had as great a time as I did!  Sorry I’m blasting in your face! HAHA, get it?!”  S.O.S.  Send help.

Shaun had already messaged me by the time I got home to let me know that he had changed some of the jokes in his OKCupid profile.  I thanked him again for paying my cover and then proceeded to bury my head under six pillows until the incessant BAAA-ing ringing in my ears finally stopped.

My Hero!

21 Mar

Last time I was on OKCupid I met lawyers, computer programmers, doctors, mimes, musicians, writers, teachers, bankers… the list goes on.  So I am a little confused as to why I am only being messaged by stand-up comedians!  Well, comedians and a hearty handful of graphic designers and video editors.  There must be something in my profile that is attracting these special breeds.  Anyway, last week after getting messaged by probably my ninth stand-up comedian, I finally gave in and arranged a date with the most persistent of the bunch.  "Bryan” seemed cute and less of a hot mess than the others.  Boy, was I in for a treat.

Several minutes after I sat down to wait at the bar, I received a text saying that I should turn around because he was sitting at a table behind me.  He was simultaneously reading a newspaper and listening to his ipod, which I thought were strange things to be doing while waiting for your blind date.  I sat down at his table and he snapped his paper shut and pulled out his earbuds with such force that they flew across the table and hit me in the chest.  He began by lamenting how crappy his ipod classic was and I pulled mine out of my coat pocket to show that I have the same one.  "Let me see that!” he barked, ripping it out of my hand and sending my earbuds flying straight into his beer.  I didn’t say anything, but dried them off with a napkin under the table.  I could tell it was going to be a long hour.

Bryan immediately launched into (what I gathered was) his stand-up material– telling stories about himself in ways that were clearly set-ups for his punchlines.  When he finished his sentences, he would pause, then repeat the last phrase, waiting for me to laugh… which I did every once in awhile just to humor him because it was getting awkward and he seemed desperate for attention.  I barely said a word since he had so much to say about himself and whenever I would start to speak he interrupted me.  As he went on and on, I thought about how he must be a really problematic lover– I had recently read an article about how men who are totally self-involved and bad at listening are generally pretty terrible in the sack.  At one point he said “Wow, you’re really making me work for a laugh. I feel like I’m bombing here!”  Yeah, because I didn’t have seven Mountain Dews on the way over and I don’t think you’re that funny.  His arm gestures were so grandiose that they were making me dizzy and eventually the inevitable happened– he knocked over his beer with a giant swoop, spilling it all over a girl who happened to be passing by.  I could tell he was nervous, but he needed to bring it down a few notches.  When he mentioned that he was 38, but not yet ready for a relationship I almost choked on my wine.  "Yeah… didn’t you read my profile?” he asked after seeing my reaction to his age.  I did, I had just forgotten because of how he was acting on our date.  Geez, why are men in New York so complicated?!

Bryan was very abrasive and spent the hour insulting just about everyone.  He called our server a hipster to his face before talking about how he doesn’t like improv and sketch comedy people because they’re “corny and unoriginal.”  He said he doesn’t get along with other comedians… or his coworkers… or his friends from back home… or his family.  He also shared that he owes upwards of $12,000 to the IRS for cheating on his taxes.  Oh, and his ex-girlfriend was apparently a psycho and punched him in the face.  All very attractive things to tell someone you met less than an hour ago.  This guy was the epitome of the “victim” type– In his mind he is just a good guy trying to follow his dreams and everybody else is bringing him down because they don’t understand or are out to get him.  I am very familiar with this type of guy because I dated one a few years ago.  Bryan reminded me so much of him it was a little creepy.

The icing on the cake was when Bryan asked me if I wanted to watch his stand-up routines on his ipod.  What was I supposed to say, no?!  I put my beer-soaked earbuds in and watched not one, but TWO of his stand up routines.  I have to say that the first one was more entertaining than the material I was getting live and in person.  At any rate, it was time to go.  He picked up the bill (which was much appreciated) and after I helped him calculate the tip, he informed me that he was going to walk me to the train.  I know he was trying to be chivalrous, but I really just wanted out of there.  Walking full-speed to the G train, I was glued to Google Maps on my phone… when it happened.  I fell in a hole.  The sidewalk had cut out on my side to make room for a tree and I had missed the memo, not watching where I was going.  Luckily, as I started to fall, Bryan was quick to catch me before I landed.  We shared a laugh over it, but then he decided to reenact the moment (so he could grab me again I’m guessing).  Without warning, he lightly pushed me in the middle of the street then enveloped me in a large embrace as I tripped again, this time on his encroaching Nikes.  "What are you trying to do, kill me?!” I exclaimed, only half-kidding.  Thankfully, we somehow made it to the subway in one piece and I swiftly descended the steps, shouting “Yeah OK!” up the steps… which I think was an agreement to eat Ethiopian food with him later in the week.  No thanks.

“I just fell in a hole trying to escape a comedian who made me watch two of his stand-up routines on a blind date” I texted my friend.  "That sucks, I just slept with both of my neighbors” she wrote back.

It occurred to me that I can’t exactly ream Bryan for acting a fool and spilling his beer on someone because– let’s face it– I fell in a hole.  Who knows, maybe as I write this very blog post he is up in Astoria developing new material about how he saved the life of this crazy girl who fell in a hole during our blind date.  

I’m OK, You’re OK

20 Mar

There were a lot of self-help books in my house growing up.  One of them was “I’m OK, You’re OK” by Thomas A. Harris.  Although I have yet to read the book (I’m sure my mom would gladly lend me her copy), a blind date from last week reminded me of the title.

I had hastily agreed to a date with “Joshua” after a couple messages and I was a little nervous about meeting him.  In one picture he appeared to have extraordinarily unruly neck hair, and his earlobe was sitting on the collar of his shirt like it was reclining in an armchair.  It also struck me how much he looked exactly like a young Nathan Lane.  But the part that alarmed me most was that his profile picture was uploaded in 2006!  Who knew OKCupid had been around that long?  I was worried that he might be a creepy online dating prowler with a rap sheet six years deep.  But I was wrong.

Joshua was what OKCupid refers to as “a little extra.”  He had a chipped front tooth and freshly trimmed neck hair.  His voice was gentle and soft-spoken, and he periodically stroked the bridge of his nose when he was thinking.  According to him, I was his first blind date ever.  “Oh really?” I asked skeptically, “But how long ago did you join?”  He answered that his profile was created a few years prior but he froze the account when he started dating someone.  He had grown up outside of Dallas, attended art school in Savannah, and now worked for an advertising firm.  Our chat revolved mainly around books and music, but it was probably the most serious conversation I’ve maintained on a date in awhile.  Before we parted ways Joshua recommended an Ira Glass episode that he thought I would like about persevering through the ups and downs of creative work.  He also paid for my drinks– which caught me off guard because it hasn’t happened in so long.

Even though I wasn’t particularly physically attracted to Joshua, the date was refreshing.  He was calm and seemed to have a strong sense of self, without being self-involved or judgmental.  He mused that we both come from creative backgrounds, but neither of us are 100% certain of where our lives are going to go from here.  And guess what?  It’s OK.  That’s something you don’t often hear in this city where everyone is supposed to be perfect and successful and know exactly what they want.  There’s still time to figure it out and we’re all going to be OK.  I got on the train back home with a sudden sense of relief after weeks (months) of freaking out about every aspect my life– job, city, friends, guys.  I promised to give myself a break more often.

The wonderful thing about OKCupid is that even if you think you’re about to meet a creep and you aren’t looking forward to the date at all… you just never know what the conversation will lead to.  A lot of people miss out on this because they spend more time analyzing the messages in their inbox than getting out there and meeting people!

Stay tuned– I had two other blind dates last week that proved to be a little more… interesting.

Suitors of the Week 9

15 Mar

Since rejoining OKCupid this month, I have noticed a few new trends in guys’ profiles.  For example, all of a sudden everyone has a picture of himself holding a pumpkin at a patch!  I don’t remember seeing even one pumpkin patch picture when I was on last year.  It also seems like every guy now has a picture of themselves crotch-to-ass with a male friend, parachuting from a plane.  Did everyone just discover skydiving and pumpkins during the past four months I was gone?  My favorite picture I’ve seen lately was a guy holding his pet parakeet, for whom he had made a tiny origami hat out of newspaper.  Now that’s a real eye-catcher.  Unfortunately however, a lot of the same flimflam still remains on OKCupid.  Before I get to my favorite messages of the week, here’s a little list of the most common offenses I see all the time.

I simply will not respond to your message if you:

1.  Mention that you just got out of a serious relationship.  Oh lord, have I ever learned my lesson!

2.  List your favorite plays instead of favorite books.  Chances are, if you are an actor, it was already hard enough for me to get past your headshot profile picture.  Don’t get me wrong, I love plays and am pretty well-versed in both classical and contemporary theatre repertoire.  But please, if you want people to take you seriously– at least list both.  Neil Simon and Terrence McNally?  Better to just leave those guys off your dating profile all together.

3.  Have gauged ears or are a vegan.  Don’t ask me why, but these are two of the most unattractive things I see on guys’ profiles.  I fully support vegetarianism (I was a pescetarian for six years), but veganism– particularly in an adult male just comes off as high-maintenance/hipster to me.  I am not interested in watching you eat dried seaweed chips.  And where would we go to dinner?  The raw nut section at Trader Joe’s?

4.  Your whole profile is about how many countries you’ve traveled to.  Really, it’s wonderful that you have the money and time do that… but this is a dating website, not a travel agent brochure.  And how am I supposed to tell what you actually look like when your picture is of a pink speck on top of Mount Kilimanjaro, taken in 2008.

5.  These remarkably overused phrases are in your profile:
– “Living the Dream” – I cannot tell you how many men write this under What I’m Doing With My Life.  It tells me nothing about your personality other than you are a big cliché.
– “Work hard, play hard” – This reminds me of my brief stint in the restaurant industry because all of the bros I worked with constantly reinforced it as their rule to live by.  This statement can usually be found under About Me phrased something like “I am the epitome of the work hard/play hard lifestyle.”  Yeah, you and 77,000 other male New Yorkers who were in fraternities in college.
– “Why so serious?” – Honestly, this makes me cringe even more than the last two.  It astounds me on a daily basis how many people have captioned one of their pictures with this banal pop culture reference.  Yes, even I saw Batman.
– “Meh” – If I wanted to date a moody MySpace girl from the year 2004… I guess I wouldn’t be looking for men on OKCupid, now would I?
– Jokes about honey badgers and/or spirit animals.  The cheesy honey badger jokes have been haunting us for a few years now… but where the heck did this outbreak of spirit animal remarks come from?  Probably some Judd Apatow movie.

And now for my favorite messages from the past week:

1.  “Yo shorty.  You lookin’ fine!” – A man who is shorter than I am, sitting barefoot on the floor next to a folded up ironing board.

2.  “Where in Brooklyn do you live?  Maybe I’m your landlord.”  – A Hasidic Jew who lives in my neighborhood.

3.  “Sigh.  The good ones are always too far away.” – A Massachusetts dad with a huge whitehead on his forehead and Heaven’s Gate eyelashes.

4.  “You answered a question on here that you want your next relationship to last for several years.  Booooooo the next lucky guy should have you for a lifetime.”  – A 32 year old man with teeth that resemble a rusty bear trap.

5.  “You are so fuckin’ hot I could cook an egg on you.  Have a great night!”  – A 41 year old man named Rita.

6.  “Did my picture scare you off?” – A man who looks like one of his parents is a tree.

7.  “Hey there how is OKCupid going for you?  It’s going fairly well for me, although I  mostly just play counselor to people.  Talk to you soon. -SH”  – A 40 year old whose screen name is IHaveHerpes.  His entire profile is about how everyone has some type of herpes so it’s nothing to be afraid of.  Rather than talking about himself, he presents paragraph after paragraph of medical statistics.  Under his Six Things I Could Never Do Without he wrote “hand washing” and under The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit he put “I have Herpes.”  I like how he’s willing to advertise his STD on OKCupid but not sign his messages with a first name.  I guess “SH” stands for “Shhhh, I have herpes.”

8.  “I am a thespian at heart, and it used to be a dream of mine. Part me wants that dream back.  However, I do have an affinity for dramatic accessories. I love hats, and I wear a lot of rings and necklaces. On occasion I wear a monocle and carry a walking stick. One of my canes is also a sword.” – I don’t know what can be said about this… it is just so good.  In his picture he’s wearing a monocle attached to his earring and his goatee is tied with a bow.  Although I am vehemently opposed to male accessorizing, I just might have to meet this guy.

9 Mar

***Here is another reblog from last year. This is one of my favorite OKCupid adventures to date! (No pun intended)***

What's in the Box?

Beware, New Yorkers…there is a 40 year old Argentinean artist who preys on unsuspecting young women on the loose!

His initial pick-up line was: “I am an artist and any relationship of any type for me goes first through images. I am working on a project invovling pictures of women smoking –especially if they are tall. Would like to take yours. Not only I consume art, am consumed by it, but also I frequently exibit mine and write about other people’s. I believe that posesivness is a negative trait. Everything else can be everything else.”  After including this message in one of my “Suitors of the Week” posts, another blogger contacted me saying that she had received the exact same proposition from this guy.

I initially ignored him because he sounded totally creepy, but the next night (after a few glasses of wine) I decided to respond to his inane message. …

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I Put a Spell On You

8 Mar

A few days ago I received this message from a Turkish gentleman named Berk:
“Hi, I’ve been living in U.S for couple years. They have been saying to me that I look like J. Depp in here :)  Would u like to get coffee or drink this week?”

I had just rejoined OKCupid and wanted to set up some dates, so I responded to his alluring message that I was free on Thursday.  After agreeing to meet him, I took a more thorough look at his profile and discovered he had on at least three necklaces in all of his pictures.  I don’t know about you, but that is about three necklaces too many if you ask me.  Also, under the “I’m Really Good At” section he wrote “Good listener. This means I listen when a person talking in front of me or over the phone or on the internet platform.”  Ohhh, is that what that means?  This guy was starting to sound like a real bore.  To make matters worse, he began texting me while I was out with friends on Wednesday night.  Here is the conversation that ensued:

Berk:  Hi, how are you doing?

Me:  Magnificent.  You?

Berk:  First time in my life I’m getting answer like that much different then usual is from “how are you” question :)  Thank u I’m good too :) what r u doing up to now?  Are we still on for tomorrow at 6?

Me:  Sure, where?

Berk:  Wanna meet at Barcade or different place?

Me:  Barcade works.  I’ll be the one playing Frogger wearing a mystical cape and holding a wooden staff.

Berk:  You like to wear mystic?

Me:  After nightfall I am free to wear my witch outfits.

Berk:  Hmmm. That’s cool. I liked your pics. Hope you are the same as cute like those. Just kidding :)

Me:  No you aren’t.

Berk:  I believe you are same as pics I meant.  So what’s your hobbies what do u like to do?

Me:  Oh you know.  Witchcraft, treason, cooking in my cauldron, spells, potlucks.  You?

Berk:  Really?  It’s interesting… Mines are routine things. Like sport, soccer. I go to gym sometimes rarely. I like house music. Cinema of course.

Me:  Ah, have you seen The Blair Witch Project?

Berk:  Yes I watched.

Me:  I was in that.  I played the witch.

Berk:  Wooow really bravo!  I only noticed your smile, tattoo and you are scorpion. I didn’t know that you are a witch. Did u do witchcraft on me already? ;)

(The next morning)

Berk:  Hey good morning. So I didn’t see your name on the cast of the Blair Witch Project?

Me:  Drat!  You’ve roused me from my slumbers.  I cannot rise in the morning light.  Only at night, when the moon gleams bright.

Berk:  Sorry.

(Later in the day)

Me:  Regrettably, I won’t be able to join you tonight,  I imbibed too much poisonous toadstool brew last night and am feeling a bit “cursed” today, so to speak.

Berk:  Hmmm ok.

I could have just told Berk the Turk that I changed my mind and didn’t want to go out with him… but at least this way he thinks I’m a spooky witch.  And since everyone apparently tells him he looks like “J. Depp” he shouldn’t have any problem finding another date.

6 Mar

***I decided to reblog a few of my older posts while I get back into the wild world of blind dating this week. And some of the gentlemen in these dates from yesteryear are too good not to celebrate a second time!
More new posts to come…***

What's in the Box?

Oh my god, I went on the best date the other night!  We’ve known each other for awhile now, but recently began to enjoy spending time alone together.  First, we had a couple glasses of wine at a French restaurant before going to see a Broadway show.  Afterwards, we went back to my place and made enchiladas and homemade guacamole.  The next day we went to yoga, did some light shopping, got tickets for an upcoming concert, made steaks and spent the evening lounging around watching Netflix.  It was an exceptional end to the week.  Oh by the way, the date was with myself.

I go through phases of not wanting to go out (particularly on blind dates) and am currently in one of those moods.  I would much rather mill around at home like a recluse- cooking, writing, and watching TV.  I had a date scheduled with someone from…

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Open Mike Night

5 Mar

This past Saturday night was my first Open Mike Night.  Upon hearing that phrase, you are likely picturing amateur musicians, comedians, or poets trying their best to win over an audience with new material.  Nah, I’m talking about a night where I go on blind dates with a bunch of people named Mike.

I was feeling a little blue after “Fred” ended things via email last week, so I figured it was as good a time as any to get back on the horse.  After a forlorn Friday evening spent wallowing in self-pity and chardonnay, I accidentally gave my number to four different people named Mike.  This made for a confusing tomorrow when, in the cold morning light, I received multiple text messages that said “Hey!  It’s Mike from OkCupid.”  I had also made plans with two of the Mikes for that very night.  I have to admit I was a little nervous to take on TWO blind dates my first night back after being on leave of absence since November– What if I had lost my touch?  What if they could tell I wasn’t at 100%?  What if I cried into a cheeseburger again like I may or may not have done the night before?   There was only one way to find out… “Yes Mike, I’ll see you tonight!”  I agreed to meet Mike #1 at 8:30 and Mike #2 at 11.  That way, there was a little bit of room between my Mike appointments in case a Mike bailed or another Mike rang.

I met Mike #1 at a bar in Williamsburg.  He was a couple minutes late, and I was almost finished with my first beer when he arrived.  “Mind if we move down so we aren’t directly under the speaker?” he asked, “Ok.  Now we can begin the date.”  Oh boy.  I tried to give Mike #1 a subtle once-over as he began his introduction: “I’m Mike… I’m from Twarf, Indiana, population 200… I’m unemployed…”  He had on a red and white checkered button-up shirt under one of those striped mock turtleneck sweaters that the neck zips up or down depending on whether or not you’re a Midwestern dad.  I also noted that he had about 3,600 less hairs on his head than he did in his profile picture.  They stuck straight up in the air, evenly dispersed– like a smattering of redwood trees, not dense enough to hide the forest floor from the passengers in airplanes above.

He had been going on about getting laid off from a social media company, but his former job description brought my attention back from his follicles to his face.  Apparently, he had been one of the people in charge of screening 50 Cent’s emails.  Somebody decided that there were “too many chiefs and not enough indians” so he was let go and had been milling about within the same four-block radius in Williamsburg ever since.  He asked where I live and when I told him Clinton Hill he said “Never heard of it.”  This concerned me, as he had apparently been living in Brooklyn for seven years.  I asked him what he thought of OKCupid and he said he didn’t like the process of having to message girls, but knew he had to do it if he wanted to find a girlfriend.  I looked away to take an uncomfortable sip of my beer because I was starting to feel bad for this guy.  Not only was he without a job and girlfriend, he seemed to be totally devoid of any long term goals or zest for life.  When I asked him what else he would be interested in pursuing aside from reading rappers emails, he said he has always wanted to try his hand at comedy.  Oh dear, here we go I thought– if I had a dollar for every time an OKCupid date has told me they want to get into comedy, I would have at least forty-eight dollars.

I finished my second (third?) beer and we both agreed that we were tired and should probably head home.  He stood to fish around in his pocket for a pack of cigarettes and (I hate myself for admitting this) I nabbed the opportunity to sneak a quick peak at the crotch of his khakis.  Sigh.  Flat as a pancake.  Outside we hugged goodbye and I tried my best to sound sincere when I exclaimed “We should do this again sometime!” before heading towards another bar on Roebling to meet Mike #2.

Mike #2 was waiting for me at the bar when I arrived and it didn’t take long for me to glean that he was the complete opposite of #1– outgoing, employed, full head of hair.  In fact, he had some of the strangest hair I’ve ever experienced on a blind date.  It was just your standard straight man hair… but for one peculiar tightly wound curl, about the size of a cat turd, bisecting the center of his forehead like a pendulum.  I was confused and alarmed by this deliberately dangling curl (and kind of wanted to gather some photo documentation) but I tried not to let my eyes wander upward from his as we talked.  He worked for a gourmet coffee purveyor, where he spent several hours a day perfecting latte art.  His other job was at The Upright Citizens Brigade.  “Have you heard of it?” he asked casually as I suppressed my primal urge to shriek, run out into the street like a madwoman, and hijack the first truck out of this crazy comedy-loving city.  Not only does every man on OKCupid in New York seem to have some affiliation with UCB, but Fred (my plan-canceling, “it’s-not-you-it’s-me,” “your cat peed on my boots” former lover) was a UCB guy.

Mike #2 changed the subject, informing me that he had just moved to New York a few months prior, and had previously lived in Kansas City and San Francisco.  He also revealed that he had just gotten out of a relationship… which I know by now not to touch with a ten-foot pole.  He leaned in closer and I deduced that the occasional waft of Chilean sea bass I had been catching since I sat down was potentially coming from somewhere on his person.  It was getting late and I had work in the morning, so I turned down Mike #2’s offer to explore the intimate loft over the bar, paid, and hopped in a cab.  En route, I checked my phone to find that a third Mike had attempted to get ahold of me an hour earlier.  When I got home I followed up with the Mikes with one mass text:  “Thanks for a lovely evening tonight, Mike.”

All in all, my first Open Mike Night was a promising start.  I doubt I’ll go out with either of them again, but I am considering making Open Mike Night a weekly occurrence.