A Not-So-Blind Date

18 Jan

A question people often ask me after reading my blog is whether I’ve ever been on a blind date that was so terrible I couldn’t even sit through it.  The answer is yes… but to be fair, it wasn’t exactly blind.  If you are on a dating website long enough, you will inevitably come across a familiar face.  Unfortunately, it usually doesn’t wind up being the romantic, fateful encounter you initially may hope for.  Let’s start from the beginning…

Boston, MA.  2007.
I had just finished my first year of grad school and was sticking around Boston for the summer.  My parents had been urging me to get a job, but I was enjoying my free time, and what I guess you could call the Boston party scene.  There was one dance night I particularly enjoyed at a bar called Middlesex Lounge.  I began to notice a cute, shaggy-haired guy who was there every week… and one night we starting dancing together.  “Ray” was several years older than I and was a former model who now had a bit of a paunch.  He ended up coming back to my apartment with me, where I was subjected to the most violent make-out session of my existence.  However, that was where our relations ended.  The next morning I woke up with eye-liner smudged across my arm and rolled over to find Ray next to me–  his loose johnson liberated  from his open fly, resting peacefully on my mattress.  I tried not to laugh as I rolled out of bed and assessed the hangover at hand.  Ray’s phone rang and woke him up as I assembled some sort of strange outfit.  Back then I liked to wear metallic tube tops under velour hoodies and denim miniskirts like an alien porn star from the Eighties.  Or someone who lives in Los Angeles.  When Ray got off the phone he had an offer for me: the used car dealership (where he worked like four hours a week) had sold a car which had inaccurate mileage documented on its… documents.  Apparently, his boss needed him to drive this car around and up the mileage before the new owner claimed it the following morning.  “Wanna go on a road trip?” asked Ray, someone I had officially met ten hours earlier.  “Definitely!” I replied, forgetting my promise to my dad to apply for jobs that day.  Ray and I took the T from my apartment in Back Bay to the sketchy dealership in Somerville and climbed into a smelly sedan.  “This is really living” I thought to myself, right before Ray informed me that he had no money so I would be paying for gas.

First we stopped somewhere in the North Shore area and walked on the beach.  Then we drove around New Hampshire and up into Vermont.  It turned out his parents lived deep in the Vermont woods and he arranged for us to have dinner there that night.  Although Ray and his mother argued through the entire meal about what he was doing with his life, she was visibly impressed that he had brought home a girl who was bright and personable.  At one point Ray leaned in and whispered to me “My mom LOVES you.”  During dessert, his mother asked me “So how long have you two been together?” to which I didn’t miss a beat in responding “We just met last night.”  His mom nearly dropped her wine glass and choked on her sorbet.  While the family was cleaning up the kitchen, she pulled me into the other room.  “You are too smart for this.  You went on a road trip with someone you don’t even know?!  You could have been killed!  You’re lucky my son is a good boy.”  I nodded, promised I wouldn’t do it again, and thanked her for her hospitality.  Ray and I drove back to Boston, mostly in silence.  At one point, he pulled into a dark, empty parking lot and began a debate with me about why I wasn’t interested in dating him.  He invited me to stay at his place and was less than pleased when I asked that he just drop me off at home.

Ray and I hung out a couple more times after that… but he just never really did it for me.  We continued to run into each other several more times at bars around Cambridge (he always had a different Asian girlfriend with him) and we would ignore each other.  One time, after seeing him at Middlesex, he texted me the next day saying we couldn’t be friends anymore because his girlfriend was jealous and he wasn’t allowed to have female friends.  I had been over the whole situation for months and deleted him from my phone.  I heard from him again a year or so later when he instant messaged me out of the blue to tell me that he missed me and had been up all night staring at my Facebook pictures.  Uhhhhh….

Brooklyn, NY.  2011.
I logged onto OKCupid for one of the first times ever and clicked on something called a “Quiver Match.”  One of the three tiny faces that popped up had a familiar pout.  I clicked on the face and audibly gasped– it was Ray from Boston!  He had filled out his profile exactly as I remembered him speaking– vague, spacey, flowery sentences that were intended to sound deep– but actually sounded slightly insane.  He talked about how he used to be a model and in a rock band, but now he was starting a struggling PR company out of his tiny studio apartment in Queens.  I don’t know what came over me (maybe I was tickled to see a familiar face on there) but I messaged him “Hey, stranger.”  He immediately messaged me back and we decided to meet one evening at my roommate’s bar in Brooklyn Heights.  I’m not sure what I was expecting, but he turned out to be EXACTLY the same.  He still spoke like a valley girl from 1991, made pouty-lip faces between his sentences, and never ever made sense.  He still smelled slightly like armpits and more than slightly like stool and my disdain for him became more than I could bear when he began telling my roommate about our lengthy history together.  Honestly, I remember hanging out with him one-on-one in Boston a total of three or four times and I certainly never slept with him.  According to him we had been dating, which was news to me.  I called him out on his exaggerations, to which he responded “of course you wouldn’t remember, you were always drunk.”  That was the final straw.  Coming from someone who drank just as much as I did AND was a big stoner and cokehead on top of that, his accusation was absurd.  I used to drink more than I do now, but certainly wasn’t blacked out for half of our alleged “relationship.”  I had heard enough and knew I needed to get out of there.  I grabbed my purse and fled full speed out of the bar, leaving him to pick up the check.  A block or two into my escape my roommate texted me to say that Ray had followed me out and was trying to hunt me down.  I went from a steady jog to a full-blown run.  When I got to the A train, people on the platform were staring as I hid in a cranny, panting and paranoid.  The train came and I returned home safe and sound.

I haven’t heard from Ray since, but according to the internet he moved to Hollywood where he is still unemployed, but engaged to a Korean med student.  He has an entire public photo album on Facebook of various shots of her passed out in his car with her mouth open and cookie remnants all over her face.  Whoopsie.

I guess the message here is just because you find someone you know on a dating website, it doesn’t mean that you should go out with him– especially if he’s a total weirdo.  And his mother was right, you never know who is a murderer these days.  It reminds me of that commercial where some middle-aged actor is like “Wow, I took a lot of risks as a kid… like jumping off of this cliff into this canyon on my road bike.  But now that I’m older, I don’t take any risks with my cholesterol.”  In my ripe old age of 28, I can’t imagine spending all day and night in a car with a total stranger who wears tropical sunglasses and laid his naked, unwelcome wiener on my duvet.  I’m too old for that stuff.

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5 Responses to “A Not-So-Blind Date”

  1. twindaddy January 18, 2013 at 10:55 pm #

    Sounds like a real winner.

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog January 19, 2013 at 11:41 pm #

      Yes. I’m hoping he and his fiancee call it quits so I can marry him.

      • twindaddy January 19, 2013 at 11:42 pm #

        That’s the spirit!!

  2. La Bamba January 19, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

    He also wore no underwear and so the rear end of his broken in chinos always had a dark streak where the butt crack should be. Walking behind him resulted in the unique experience of what it would be like if someone had the desire to crop dust you nonstop.

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