Suitors of the Week 8

13 Dec

I recently disabled my OKCupid account so I can focus on being a person during the holiday season.  Before I did, however, I selected some of my favorite messages from the past couple weeks to share with you:

“Hello my name is Evan and I work at UPS in which I really love my job.  My favorite movie is You Don’t Mess with the Zohan with Adam Sandler.  I do like other films besides the Zohan movie and besides Adam Sandler films.  I like Star Wars 1,2,3,4,5, and 6.” —  Wait a minute, I’m confused.  It is a known fact that UPS men in New York City are ballers… but this man sounds like a first class dweeb.  He must have meant to say he works for Fedex.  Oh well, at least he can count to six!

“What are you up to this weekend, would you like to join me for a cup of something wonderful and some orgasmic conversation?  We’ll make it a quick meeting of 15 minutes and if you’re REALLY psycho, then I could run away and live!”  —  All you need to know about this guy is that his screen name was Cockasaurus, which makes his message even more nauseating.  I’m sure the “psycho” bit really wins him a lot of points with the ladies.  And what is in a cup of something wonderful?  Money?  A genie?  Restitution for the time I wasted reading this message?  No?  Not interested then.

“Wow, we haven’t even left your profile yet and already we miss you!  Have you ever been on a date with two boys before? -Super M and Red October.”  —  What in the world?!  Bi-curious undercover supervillains ARE real!

“Hi, my name is Omar and I’m a interesting person.  I would like to know you.  If that is too much then please allow me to share my stories.  Thank you.”  —  Hi, my name is Sara and you would come up to my shoulder.  This guy’s stats tell me that he is 5’2″ and “really good at pillow fights.”  I’m intrigued by these stories, though.  Especially if they also involve slumber party activities in which pubescent girls of the 1950s partook.

ME:  Dare
GUY 1:  I’m waiting on a meeting to start. I’m sitting in the waiting room of a realllllllly pimp office in Hudson Square….the view is amazing, but this wait is tooooo long.  Now for the dare: snap a naked photo in front of a mirror while blowing me a kiss and send to my cell ***-***-****
GUY 1:  BOOOOOM!!!!!  Client signed! Wish you could see my touchdown dance
ME:  Truth
GUY 1:  Can I take you out for a drink?
ME:  Truthfully?  Absolutely not.
—  Obviously I didn’t take him up on his dare because I’m not a Floridian stripper.  This sleaze-ball is a prime example of why OKCupid has comment moderators.

GUY 2:  What’s Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable?
ME:  I give up.
GUY 2:  Baraccoli
ME:  Ah, that’s a nice dad joke.
GUY 2:  Did you ever hear about the girl who didn’t have any arms?
ME:  Does this have to do with falling off a swing?
GUY 2:  No.  Her name was Annie.  Knock Knock.
ME:  Who’s there.
GUY 2:  Not Annie  :(
—  His second joke reminded me of when I was auditioning for undergraduate musical theatre programs several years ago.  At the end of my audition for the University of Michigan, the chair of the department asked me to tell them a joke.  The only jokes I knew were (and still are) about poop or penises, which I obviously couldn’t use.  So I told them a horrid joke about some poor amputee girl falling off a swing set.  No one laughed (they were too busy scowling) and the accompanist gave me a sympathetic cringe as she handed me my music and I exited the room.  As you can imagine, I did not get accepted into that program.  If only GUY 2 had contacted me nine years earlier, I’d be on Broadway by now!


3 Responses to “Suitors of the Week 8”

  1. chris9911 December 13, 2012 at 10:51 pm #

    lol, sounds like a fun bunch. I’m actually trying to find a date for a buddy of mine for the holidays :) He is one of the featured characters in my blog.

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog December 15, 2012 at 11:28 pm #

      Maybe he should try OKCupid!…. If he dares, that is.

      • chris9911 December 17, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

        a what? sounds like its something you eat

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