Milton the Mortician

2 Dec

Last night I went on a blind date with a man named Milton at a bar called The Magician in the Lower East Side.  I arrived first and was dismayed to find that there were, in fact, no magicians at The Magician.  There were a lot of gay men and balloons, however.  As I sat and waited at the bar, an old man with wooden teeth and a partially-healed head wound sat as close to me as he could.  “You’re good looking, I can tell… Who’s keeping you warm tonight?.. You’re not waiting until marriage are you?” were just a few of his disturbing attempts to lure me.  At last Milton arrived.  Although I had hoped someone named Milton would be wearing slacks, a top hat, and a monocle, he was actually wearing jeans and a purple shirt.  We moved to a table and I realized that I had set up a date with an undertaker.  Not really, I think he worked for Fox News or something… but his slow, deep voice and lack of any facial expression whatsoever made me wonder if he delivered eulogies in his free time.

We stayed at The Magician for exactly one drink before he suggested we go to a goth bar down the street.  Everyone there was dressed in their best gothic attire and it was incredibly dark and smoky.  I struggled to keep the conversation going as Milton the Mortician stared so hard at the candle on the table, I wondered if he was trying to will the flame out with his soul.  When the girl sitting at the table to my right threw up all over the floor, Milton suggested we head to a bar in Brooklyn instead.  His exact words were “I’m feeling good.  Are you good, kid?”  Umm, yes?  He was paying for a cab, so naturally I found this suggestion to be to my advantage.

The third location of the evening was a metal bar in South Williamsburg.  It was covered in all sorts of music/death paraphernalia and had a giant wheel you can spin to win gross things to drink.  I spun and got a Guinness.  Gross.  I pondered why Milton kept prolonging the evening if he didn’t have anything to say.  He was cute: tall, dark, broad features… but had strange matter in his hair and something on his nostril that had been bugging me since the magic bar.  I studied his stoic expression and silent stare and decided that maybe I was wrong about him being a mortician.  He was most likely a zombie.  As my beer came to an end, he still hadn’t eaten my brains, so I got up to use the restroom.  When I returned to the table, I saw that he was on his OKCupid app, checking out available girls in the area.  OKCupid has a feature called “Locals” where, if you turn it on, it shows your general location to other people looking to meet for a quick-fix in your proximity.  The feature freaks me out and reminds me of Grindr, so I always keep mine off.  Perusing for another girl to meet up with while you’re still out with the first one?  That’s a no no.

I started to put on my coat and he came back to life for a second, saying “You want to know why I chose you to go out with?”  Well, you make it sound like you are either shopping for the best deal on cold cuts at your local deli or that I am about to be your next victim in a long line of serial slayings… but why, pray tell, was I chosen?  “Because you look exactly like Aubrey Plaza.”  Apparently The Mortician was a Parks and Recreation fan.  The only reason I know about this actress is because I looked her up after someone mistook me for her and asked for my autograph at a bagel store in Boston.  Hey, I’ll take it… she’s cute, right?  Way better than when an old man with a cane told me I looked like Flo from the Progressive commercials and I shed a tear at my part-time job.  I told Milton he looked like Adam Beach, who, for those of you who don’t know Law and Order SVU, was the worst actor ever to star on that show.  He really did look a lot like him though… if Adam Beach was a zombie.

Outside, we gave each other a dry goodbye and he took off down the street, presumably to go meet another OKCupid girl and stare silently at inanimate objects for a couple more hours.

Ahhh, another date where I leave with my life.

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11 Responses to “Milton the Mortician”

  1. lovefactually December 3, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

    Heh I loved this! I can so relate to that feeling of walking away from a date and realizing that the biggest positive I can take from it all is the fact that I’m still alive. I can’t wait to read more :)

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog December 3, 2012 at 8:20 pm #

      Thank you! Yeah, there have been a couple times where I wasn’t sure if I would get out alive….

  2. dingdongitsmrwrong December 4, 2012 at 1:04 am #

    Absolutely hilarious,and so well written. I will definitive love to use some of your stories. Can’t wait to read the others!

    • dingdongitsmrwrong December 4, 2012 at 1:05 am #

      “definitely love” sorry I meant.

      • WhatsInTheBoxBlog December 4, 2012 at 10:19 am #

        Thank you! I think some of my best examples of Mr Wrong are depicted in my “Judgmental Jonah” and “Jazz Shoe Man” posts.. But there have been so many it’s hard to choose. Thanks again for reading. I’m following your blog, too!

  3. mysecretsinglebehavior December 5, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

    Favorite blog on my roll :-)

  4. a renaissance man December 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

    This sentence, “I struggled to keep the conversation going as Milton the Mortician stared so hard at the candle on the table, I wondered if he was trying to will the flame out with his soul” made me laugh, alot!. Thanks for visiting my blog and best of luck finding Mr. right, if that’s even your intent

  5. a renaissance man December 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm #

    “I struggled to keep the conversation going as Milton the Mortician stared so hard at the candle on the table, I wondered if he was trying to will the flame out with his soul”. This line made me laugh, hysterically. Thanks for visiting my blog and I’ll be sure to return to check on your journey’s. Best of luck!

  6. dingdongitsmrwrong December 26, 2012 at 7:57 am #

    Hi there,

    I absolutely LOVE your writing style and your stories are so witty although painfully tragic (the men not you!) I have selected three stories I would like to include in my book Mr Wrong. Please email me for more info and I will send you a permission slip and copies of stories I have selected. My email add is dingdongitsmrwrong@yahoo.co.uk. If you know of anyone else who wishes to share their stories with me please pass on my info. Take Care. Daniella

    http://dingdongitsmrwrong.wordpress.com/about/

  7. dingdongitsmrwrong January 3, 2013 at 7:30 am #

    Reblogged this on Mr Wrong and commented:
    Meet Sara at The Adventures of My Dysfunctional Love Life http://whatsintheboxblog.com/category/about-me/ Read her hilariously and cleverly told dating disaster with Milton the Mortician. “Another date where she leaves with her life!” If you have any humorous dating disaster stories please post here or email me at dingdongitsmrwrong@yahoo.co.uk The best ones will make the book! Get those entries in.

    All the best for 2013 and may it bring you an abundance of love, peace and happiness and hopefully Mr Right. x

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