A Gnome Ignominy

30 Nov

If you message me something ridiculous on OKCupid while I’m in a jazzy mood, you are going to get messed with.  Gutrak, my immigrant alter-ego from Magic Moments came back out to play with three select suitors the other day.  The fact that these people still try to go out with me after I say crazy things to them never ceases to amaze me.  Number three is my favorite and if he didn’t resemble a miniature alien fetus, I would totally meet him.   Here are the conversations that transpired:

PabsMajong:  Hello!  I want to go on adventures with you.  We can dress up in cool costumes.  When was the last time you wore a cool costume?

Me:  Well in my down time I like to dress up in bear suit in the winter months… and when the weather is warm I get hot so I switch to the mermaid costume.  Omg just thought about boomerangs!  LOVE THEM.

PabsMajong:  You in a bear suit sounds super cuddly!!!  And super sexy in a mermaid outfit.  Do you go to the mermaid parade at Coney Island???  Where are you from?  And do you own any boomerangs?

Me:  I have only whale tooth boomerangs.  I do not know of this parade!  But they tell me at my internship that the Coney Island washed away into the ocean :(

PabsMajong:  Wow, a whale bone boomerang sounds super cool ;)  You heard Coney Island washed away???  I don’t think that’s true…   So what do you do for fun when you’re dressed as a bear or mermaid?  You’re into cosplay?

Me:  Well I do like to pretend I am in the forest grrr-ing at the eagles and wood hens.  Or that I am inside the sea with mer-men and sea horses making fantastical arts from the seaweeds.  You?!

PabsMajong:  I’ve never done any cosplay, but I can definitely get into it because of my imagination, maybe you can be my ambassador to that world?  Where are you by the way?

Me:  I am everywhere, like the wind.

PabsMajong:  Haha so how is the internship going?

Me:  Great!  Yesterday I nailed some wood together and then I closed my head in a drawer!

PabsMajong:  Thats cool that you get to be hands on with your job.

*****

JeffJones4U:  Wanna play naked Twister with me?

Me:  Yes omg how did you know?!

JeffJones4U:  Saw you answered that question on here LOL.  Now I wanna play to.

Me:  It’s DA BOMB.  I love getting tangled up with other nakeds!

JeffJones4U:  Niceeee.  Skin touching skin.  It gets sweaty to!!!

Me:  Very sweaty.  Caution not to slip and squish someone’s gonad!

JeffJones4U:  Haha.  Tru.  Very sweaty is good.  Haha lick the sweat while playing LOL

Me:  You are very bendy man?  Maybe do a splits?  Is very good for naked Twister.

JeffJones4U:  I do hip hop dancing so I can pop, break and lock.  Yes it is great for naked twister.  Yes I can do the splits.   Are you bendy to?

Me:  I used to put my legs behind my head but then once I got stuck for hours and I had to skuttle to the telephone like a crab to call the 911!

JeffJones4U:  Haha. It should be easy naked then.  I’d have to hold ur feet while you do it lol now thats team work.  When are u free?

*****

BigFoot123:  Let’s get drinks tonight!

Me:  First please tell me about your gnome desires.

BigFoot123:  If you speak of the garden variety, I strongly dislike them and believe they should be slain with a hand axe.   Would you like to meet?

BigFoot123:  Hey, I hope my comment didn’t put you off… The way you speak of gnomes, I’m assuming you like them or enjoy their company?  That’s OK, I’ll care more for them if that’s what you like, but I do prefer a barrel chested dwarf chiseling the mountain into a stone fortress.  Hope to hear back from you!

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