Magic Moments

7 Nov

Two different characters messaged me this morning on OKCupid while I was getting ready for work.  GUY 1 was a short, bald individual from New Jersey.  His profile picture was of him topless and flexing all of his shiny muscles, looking like a roasted boar battling some gas.   GUY 2 was a pink-faced critter who reminded me of a young Gene Wilder and whose picture was taken at a Comic Con.  I decided to have a little fun with them and momentarily transformed into “Gutrak,” a spirited immigrant with a penchant for mystical games.  Here are the conversations that followed (you have to read my lines with an accent):


GUY 1:  What up?  You look and sound real interesting and awesome. I would love to chat. I am cool, adventurous, caring, I keep it real, and I tend to do what the lady says due to my submissive personality ;)

ME:  What is meaning of this “submissive”?

GUY 1:  Submissive means the lady is the boss lol

ME:  You like to put on knight outfit?

GUY 1:  I will wear anything you want me to Goddess

ME:  Well I do like foam knight outfit best because won’t pinch skins like steel one!  You have this outfit?

GUY 1:  That I don’t have Goddess. But it don’t matter I can take pain. I will be your good lil pet ;)

ME: You have sorcerer cape maybe? Pegasus horn? Ok and who is your favorite wizard? Mine is Marwood Dragonfoot but I also really love the Barktooth Warbeard! Tell me who you like the more! OMG I’m eating gogurt right now SO GOOD you have it?!

GUY 1:  Damn no Goddess is there anything else or another way I can make it up to you?

ME:  Well I will suggest going to park to maybe do log rolls down hill. Where are you live? I want to explore outdoor in pants with you and trees. Or you like the tom yum soup? I make and maybe we have a soup and watch favorite dragon movie

GUY 1:  I am in Brooklyn Goddess. When can you meet?


GUY 2:  Hi there, how’s it going?

ME:  Having some special time thinking about the Magic the Gathering!

GUY 2:  I’ve been collecting Magic cards for many years now

ME:  Wow amazing news! I need to get mine ship to the America. All I have here is couch and my dragon themed films

GUY 2:  Dragons are cool. I have about 40 Magic decks for you to choose from

ME:  I love you.  We are date now?

GUY 2:  Haha I feel like you only love me for my Magic cards

ME:  Yes it is right

GUY 2:  What class character do you play as?

ME:  Wizard of course!!!!!!

GUY 2:  I almost always play wizards. My last one was named Jaedeilein, he was a battle mage. They fought each other like duelists and eventually they were erradicated by a young king and his court mage. Too busy fighting each other they were defeated to the last 2 who were cast out into a new realm. By the end of the journey they realized they had to team up to get what they wanted… And he retired as a healer in the new world. Right now my friend and I are playing a game inspired by ancient India… My character is of a sect of monks that are Demon Hunters, they can only fight the supernatural and only they have access to the sacred weapons housed in temples for such purpose. So his code doesn’t allow him to fight a Brigand… only monsters….


That’s where it ended because I had to leave for work… and I didn’t have any idea what in the world this guy was talking about.  It was only 10am and already my mind was numb from talk of mages, brigands, and jaedeileins.  As you may have gathered I have never touched a deck of Magic cards in my life and had to do some light Googling so as not to reveal myself as a wizard impostor.  GUY 1 is most likely a molester, so I will pass on meeting him in person.  GUY 2 is a serious dweeb… If I go on a date with him I will have to find someone to teach me how to play Magic the Gathering– and maybe lend me a cloak or a pouch of marbles or something.


One Response to “Magic Moments”


  1. A Gnome Ignominy « What's in the Box? - November 30, 2012

    […] a jazzy mood, you are going to get messed with.  ”Gerta,” my immigrant alter-ego from Magic Moments came back out to play with three select suitors the other day.  The fact that these people still […]

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