Suitors of the Week 7

27 Oct

I had to cancel the dates I had lined up the past couple weeks due to illness and work.  But don’t worry!  That doesn’t mean I didn’t receive an array of amusing messages in my OKCupid inbox.  Enjoy.

1.  “Howdy, my name is Brian. Would you like to go disco dancing or get married?” — This guy’s screen name was OMGIMNAKED.  He was in various stages of undress in each of his pictures, and on the question “Are there naked pictures of you somewhere on the internet?” he answered “Yes, more than one.”

2.  “Hey warrior lol warriors everywhere lol.  enjoy your rein while you all can, because daddy is starting to wake up and you’ve all been very bad, peircing a scaring your flesh common already i know your tough just stop already.”  — Ah, excuse me?  This person felt the need to convey this message to me all the way from Ontario.  Great.  Thank you.

3.  “Where in the Midwest are you from?  I recently took my little sister to the Minnesota State Fair where we rode the kiddy version of the Tilt-a-Wheel and that thing is scary!  I almost fell off because there were no seatbelts!  And we couldn’t feed any of the goats because all the pigs had swine flu.  How was your weekend?”  — This message was sent to me by a miniature man who mentioned on his profile that he and his twin brother were in the Olsen twins movies when they were kids.  He said the Olsen twins were jerks because he asked them for an autograph after they taped “Brother For Sale” and they said they were too tired.  I think the Olsen Twins gave him a complex.

4.  “Something tells me that you probably get about 50 emails a day from loser guys saying things like “Hi, I’m freshly divorced from my 7th wife, have 5 delinquent kids… but the good news is that I have a chance at finally getting a job…”  (Ironically, he states that he is unemployed on his profile.)  In any event, I’m the type of guy your mom never warned you about, but she should’ve!  So let’s get together for a cup of something delicious… if you think you can handle it, that is!”   — This guy’s screen name was Stumpy88.  He was a 6’3″ Asian with candycorn teeth, who was wearing a necklace and baggy jeans in his profile picture.  He listed his favorite foods as “soft-baked cookies, Burger King chicken fries, and Popeye’s mashed potatoes” and his favorite music as “Linkin Park, 50 Cent, Backstreet Boys, Pussycat Dolls, Kelly Clarkson, Good Charlotte, Maroon 5, and Rihanna.”  Baggy pants, teeth, diet, and employment status aside, his musical taste alone makes him my worst nightmare.  I am admittedly someone who judges a person’s intelligence/taste by the music they listen to.  And eating Popeye’s while listening to Good Charlotte in his parent’s basement doesn’t sound like an alluring life choice to me.

5.  “Oh, hey!  Wow!  I like your style.  You’re super cool.  Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and tell you you’re awesome.  Hope you’re having a kick ass night.”  — Wait a minute, is he writing me a message on OKCupid or signing my yearbook?  His profile picture is a close up of his head laying sideways on a bed with an open-mouthed slack jaw and glassy eyes.  The caption says “I seriously don’t even remember taking or uploading this picture!”  Then why is it your featured photo?  I would take it down because you look like you’re having some sort of health problem in it.

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2 Responses to “Suitors of the Week 7”

  1. wildchristy October 28, 2012 at 12:05 am #

    I thought I would pick one and say, “#_ is the worst.” They are all equally the worst! What is wrong with these guys? They can’t be real. Is it possible that aliens have invaded online dating sites and are messing with the women that are on them?;)

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