Suitors of the Week 6

10 Oct

Here are my favorite OKCupid “pick-up” messages I’ve received over the past couple weeks:

1.  “Hi im Stu!!!! Yikes you are really cute and you have such a great smile !!!!!!!!!!! Hmmm I hunt Zombie’s in my down time!! I want to jump off of a diving board into a giant cupcake building size like huge the bigger the better !!! okay !!! I have the bestfriends any guy could ask for and an amazing family that is ultra cool and understanding !!!! KINDA.  I love whiskey , and all kinds of SCOTCH , yummmmmmmy :-} hahahah booze!  aaaarrrrrrggggggg , Im gonna go back to school ! Im gonna get married 1 day !! MAYBE ! Have kids !! MAYBE ! and the house !!! and a dog . pretty much the american dream , hehehehehhehehehhehe!!!”  —  This message makes my head hurt.  Either this guy is not serious or he is a psychotic frat boy who needs to lay off the exclamation points before he triggers someone’s epilepsy.  And please don’t have kids.

2.  “Sorry but I have to tell you that you look extremely adorable in your profile picture. Aaaaand we have 93% Match, just saying… Ok, forget first two lines. How’s your summer been? Any cool plan for Winter 2013?”  —  I wrote him back that my Winter 2013 is pretty up in the air considering that I still have a year to figure it out.  We made tentative plans for December ’13 if I’m still single then… which I will be if I stay in New York City.

3.  “You are one more reason I’m adding to my I Wish I Was Tall list ;)”  —  A 5’6″ man sent me this message.  I have to admit I thought the message was cute… but I’m still not going to go on a date with someone I could carry in a Baby Bjorn.

4.  “I like your swag. Wanna relax and unwine with a lobster roll?  LOL”  —  I’m feeling a strong sensation of regret for not taking him up on this tempting offer.  However, you know how I feel about the use of “LOL.”  It’s fine if you’re a teenage girl going to Spencer Gifts with your friends.  It’s not fine if you’re a 30 year old man asking me out on a date.

5.  “Hi.  Do you count ‘nipples’ as one or two?” —  The sender of this message was a 44 year old man who looks like a mummy.  He continues to creep around on my profile a few times a week.  WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.

6.  “Hi you’re cute and I am curious.  What is your name?  I am Bo, a swedish fun loving guy. I am going to be straightforward.  Your profile is interesting and your pictures are hot.  I am looking for a friend with benefits that can lead to something more.  I think we would have the best of times in and out of bed.  I am fun, hung, and like to laugh.  I am basically looking for a chill girl to kick it with around the city drama free and respectfully and still be able to enjoy and pursue our own goals.  I mean no disrespect but I don’t like beating under the bush.  By the way have you ever experienced Scandinavian pastries?  I know some secret spots if you are curious.”  —  I don’t even know where to begin, this message is just so good.  What makes it even better is that his screen name was LanceLovePump.  Who wouldn’t want to have the best of times eating Scandinavian pastries in bed with someone who is fun, hung and likes to laugh?  Especially if I can still pursue my own goals while doing so.  LanceLovePump, I think I love you.

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