Monster of the Week

7 Oct

I spent most of the weekend watching The X Files.  On the show there’s a man who melts into a rock, a monster made out of garbage, a serpent that reproduces itself, etc.  I have yet to see an episode about a man who has clams for hands… But I had dinner with one last week.

“Ken” texted me while I was still at work to say that he had overestimated the time it would take him to get to the West Village from Astoria.  He was in the area 45 minutes early and wondered if I could meet any sooner than our agreed time.  I got out of work at 9 and told him I would meet him at the bar in 5 minutes.  He wrote back that he was lost in a park and would try to find his way out.  O…K.  A little while later we met outside the bar.  He was tall and nerdy, with hunched shoulders, thick black glasses, and dark hair with a sweeping man-bang.  We sat down at a table and ordered food and a couple of drinks.  He had never heard of any of the beers, so he ordered what I was having– chardonnay.  As we waited for our food, he attempted to lay some jokes on me.  One of his “jokes” was: “Oh…i-isn’t this your favorite band, uh Sugar Ray, p-playing on the uh jukebox?”  He looked a bit like a horse caught in mid-whinny and had a slight stutter, but I think it may have been more out of nervousness than an actual impediment.

When we got our food, he raised his hands to the table for the first time and I stared in disbelief.  Although he had the face and the body of a man, there were two clams where his hands should be!  The clams nonchalantly headed over to the plate of calamari on the table and clapped down on one of the pieces with tentacles, raising it to Ken’s mouth.  I looked away so as not to distract them.  Ken started giving me a thorough questionnaire:  “If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?”… “If you were stranded on a desert island, what three things would you want to have with you?”  Not clams, I thought to myself.  I attempted to answer one of his interview questions and he immediately cut me off with “I’ve uh been noticing that y-your teeth are in TIP TOP SHAPE.  I uh have to ask… D-did you have braces?”  I told him he had nice teeth too, and I noticed one of the clams staring at me out of the corner of my eye.

The rest of dinner went without incident.  We finished our food and the clams picked up the bill.  While we were waiting for his card, he asked me “So uh can I get a kiss?”  I have this personal issue that I’m working through where if a guy buys me dinner, I feel like I have to kiss him.  I know, it doesn’t make sense at all, I just have a hard time saying no… especially if the dinner was good.  In this case however, I couldn’t get past the clams that would inevitably touch me (maybe even try to kill me!) if we kissed.  I told him maybe next time and got out of there.  The calamari wasn’t that great anyway.

Later, I thought back on my date with Ken and his clam hands.  There is only one explanation for this, I concluded… He must not be of this world.


2 Responses to “Monster of the Week”

  1. wildchristy October 9, 2012 at 10:33 pm #

    Clam hands… that poor bastard. I like a man that has man hands to hold me and rub me with.

    I like your blog and your writing. Keep up the good work:)

  2. blythecoburn October 17, 2012 at 8:02 pm #

    “A horse caught in mid-whinny.” Well, there’s another image I won’t easily forget. Way to go!

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