Thanks for the Franks!

2 Oct

There are three categories of men that I’ve found on OKCupid:

1)  The totally un-dateable weirdos/psychos such as ChadJonah, Dennis, and Tall Man

2)  The man-whores who are only on the website to find people to have sex with such as Michael, Jimmy, and Sam

3)  The seemingly normal guys who just got out of a serious relationship and are only looking for a rebound to get over their ex-girlfriend such as Brett, Jazz Shoe Man, Steve, and the guy I’m about to tell you about.

These categories overlap in some extreme cases, and all three types boil down to basically the same thing: me going on dates that probably won’t amount to anything.  So what’s the point, you ask?  Stories.  Exploring the city.  The occasional keychain.  Someone to drink beer and eat hot dogs with… like in the case of “Ralph,” an early-thirties student who installs alarm systems for a living.  I have to admit that profession makes me nervous.  In episodes of Law and Order SVU, the man who installed the victim’s alarm system always ends up being the murderer or rapist.

Ralph lived in New Jersey.  And not in Hoboken or Jersey City… like way deep in New Jersey.  I used to ignore messages from men if they didn’t live in Manhattan or Brooklyn, but since I’ve been growing wary of the recent batch of guys on OKCupid, I expanded my radius.  Now I have the privilege of dealing with weirdos from multiple burroughs and other states.

I met Ralph for the first time after a night out on the town with JesusLuvr69.  I was already tipsy and after a brief chat, some street books, and a beef frank, we called it a night.  He was nice and kind of funny, but I wasn’t convinced it was love at first frank.  The second time also began at Motor City and ended with franks from Katz’ Deli (and me making weiner jokes with the staff… have you SEEN the size of their sausages?).  The third took place at a different bar, but also culminated in the consumption of beef franks.  Now you are probably thinking that I’m some lunatic that flails around New York City eating beef franks to and fro– but I assure you that’s not the case.  After our third “date” Ralph suggested we do something other than go to a bar and eat hot dogs, so he invited me to a movie later in the week.  Tragically, the movie plans never ended up materializing.

After not hearing from him for a week and noticing that he deleted his OKCupid profile, he confirmed what I had already suspected with this text: “I’m getting back together with my ex-girlfriend.  You’re really cool but the distance thing was obviously a problem.  Sorry.”  Wait a minute, did I just get fake-broken-up-with by a guy I barely knew and never even touched?  And what an odd thing to say.  He could’ve just written that he was getting back together with his ex and left it at that– why add the distance part as if that makes any difference?  Guys from New Jersey are silly.

Oh well.  Thanks for the franks!

2 Responses to “Thanks for the Franks!”


  1. Red Flags « What's in the Box? - November 27, 2012

    […] I previously discussed in my Thanks For the Franks post, there are three categories of guys on OKCupid… and I can usually figure out which […]

  2. A Rebounder Gets Rebounded « What's in the Box? - December 5, 2012

    […] disappointed, but I certainly wasn’t heartbroken in the least.  He was the definition of a Category 3 from the start and it serves me right for prolonging it when he displayed all the warning signs of […]

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