A Canadian Conundrum

26 Sep

As the air gets cooler and the leaves begin to change, Canadian men flow freely throughout New York City– blending in among us.  Why, just the other night a few glasses of wine turned into a lengthy Canadian kiss on the steps of a spooky church as the clock struck five.

Another Canadian man, “Pepper,” recently sent me one of the most original messages I’ve gotten on OKCupid– a rap song that he wrote for me about body parts.  He explained that he writes educational rap songs for a living– mostly about biology.  He noted in his profile that when he isn’t rapping about molecules, he enjoys pickling eggs.  His “Six Things I Could Never Do Without” were six of his pickled eggs (or maybe I made that up)… and under “The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit” he wrote that peeling eggs was eerily relaxing for him (that was really on there).  Aside from his egg fetish, he was also well-known throughout Canada as an avid planter of trees.

Last week, Pepper invited me to attend a play with him at the New York Fringe Festival.  He wouldn’t tell me what we were seeing because he wanted to surprise me, but I figured out that it was a Shakespearean parody of “Pulp Fiction.”  I was looking forward to it because no one had taken me to a play on a blind date before.  Pepper already had 100 points for creativity.  We got a drink at the tiny bar in the SoHo Playhouse prior to the performance.  He knew everyone there and admitted that he had gotten free tickets because a rap show he had written had performed in that theatre a few months ago.  I told him that I can be a tough theatre critic and usually have a 75 minute play-watching limit.  He was surprised to hear that I used to do theatre, but hadn’t mentioned it in my profile.  As we made it to our seats and waited for the show to start, I gave Pepper the ol’ once-over.  He was older, with orange feathery hair, a small mouth, and a mischievous look in his eyes.

The play ended up being the perfect length… it was a little wordy at times, but otherwise well-written and acted.  After the show, Pepper suggested we get dinner at a nearby restaurant.  We shared a bowl of truffle mac and cheese and a big plate of overcooked clams.  He began to open up to me for the first time all night– he had initially been a little stand offish.  We talked about OKCupid, relationships, and how he’s done a lot of work in the bush.  Wait, come again?… I almost choked on a clam and he remembered that was not a term we use in America.  As we finished our meal, I assumed the date was ending but Pepper had other plans.  I thanked him for dinner and he said “My pleasure… you can buy my drinks at the next bar.”  Shit.  I had four dollars in my bank account until my paycheck went through later that night, probably sometime around 2 am.  It was currently midnight.  This is going to be a long two hours, I thought.  I walked as slowly as I could with him to a bar that I knew of in the West Village.  We drank and talked there for the next two hours while I repeatedly checked my balance on my phone.  How embarrassing.  He thought I was just bored, so we kept ordering rounds and he put his arm around me.  My speech was beginning to slur when my paycheck finally went through.  I paid the now $50 bill, hugged Pepper goodbye and leapt in a taxi before any funny business could transpire.  Thankfully my cab driver made great time, and was as funny as I was tipsy.  He told a story of unrequited love concerning another lady passenger who gave him “sexy eyes” but wouldn’t give him “her sex.”  He kept saying “Me?  I look like a potato.”

The moral of the story is:  Don’t go traipsing about the city with only four dollars in your bank account.  You never know when you might have to buy drinks for a Canadian.

One Response to “A Canadian Conundrum”


  1. Where Are They Now? « What's in the Box? - December 26, 2012

    […] school for new friends, he was only looking for a girlfriend.  Well, crisis averted. Pepper from A Canadian Conundrum – Pepper recently opened his Off-Broadway show incorporating his passion for tree-planting […]

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