Zerkan the Great

14 Sep

For the past few weeks I have been bombarded by a man named Zerkan.  In one of his profile photos he is pumping gas, clutching the nozzle in front of his crotch while the hose dangles betwixt his legs.  Another depicts a nocturnal scene in the country, where large pillows and wicker furniture are arranged in a grassy field.  There is romantic lighting, a large screen showing a movie, and an over-sized wooden bowl filled with popcorn between two of the pillows.  The picture was clearly stolen from a Pier One catalogue… but his caption reads “My secret place for sexy-time in NYC.”  Right.  Did you purchase a quadrant of Central Park, Zerkan?  Under “On a Typical Friday Night I Am” he wrote “Going out to salsa party or hanging on my red couch.”  OKCupid told me that we are 63% enemies.  I should never have responded to this persistent Turk in the first place, but I was amused… and I rarely block anyone on OKCupid unless they are really out of hand.  Below is our conversation copy/pasted directly from my inbox.

(August 25th)

ZERKAN:  Heyyyy !! How Re u ? Today’s fantastic beautiful day , just like u. Hope U’re doing very well. So sorry for bothering u again. (Note: he had never messaged me before at this point)  Swear I have never seen a girl like u before adorable and amazing pretty. So if u dont have any plans yet, lets go out for drink something on Rooftop place in the city. -Zerkan

(August 26th)

ME:  Wow, that’s quite a message.  Any plans yet for when….. last night?  Tonight?  The rest of my life?

ZERKAN:  Hey hey hey! Thx for the message me finally. Any plans for tonight. I would like to get know u more drinks something with you Rooftop place in the city. So how’s ur day going ? -Zerkan

(August 27th)

ZERKAN:  Hey! Goodmorning. How are u ? Today’s fantastic beautiful day, just like you. Hope U’re doing very well. MAY I ASK YOU SOMETHING ? PLEASEEEE

(August 28th)

ZERKAN:  So U did not respond my message yet ? : ( ( (

ME:  What do you want to ask me?

ZERKAN:  I just want to talk with you more. U do look amazing pretty and different. If u give me a chance i’d like to get know u better.

ZERKAN:  How could i talk with you more ? U see How i am being persistent for get know u more ? Where do u live in Brooklyn ? I do live in Brooklyn too.

(August 29th)

ZERKAN:  Why dont u want to talk with me ? ? ? How did u like my pictures ?

(August 30th)

ME:  That’s just the way the wind blows, I guess.  Is your “sexy-time” picture from some suburban housewife’s Pinterest?

ZERKAN:  You are so sweet. Actually its coming from my friends catalogue. I will try to have same ambient for someone. Swear if you give me a chance for see you oneday , I will try best make sexytime for you : )

(August 31st)

ZERKAN:  MAY I ASK YOU SOMETHING ? PLEASEEEE

ME:  Last time you said that you didn’t even have a question.  You can’t fool me, Zerkan.

ZERKAN:  How could i talk with you more ? U see How i am being persistent for get know u more ? Where do u live in Brooklyn ? I do live in Brooklyn too nearby.

ME:  That is mildly frightening.

(September 1st)

ZERKAN:  Heyyyy !! How are you ? Today’s fantastic beautiful day, just like you. Hope U’re doing very well. So if you dont have any plans yet, lets go out tonight for drinks something Rooftop place in the city.

ME:  I’m sorry but it’s just not going to work out between us, Zerkan.  Also, you sent me that exact same message 2 or 3 other times… If it’s the message you copy/paste to girls on here, do you want me to edit it for you?   I spy a few errors.

ZERKAN:  No no no I just wrote it to you now bc u didn’t respond my messages back. I don’t know how could I show my effort for you ?  U see how I am being persistent for you. Please don’t think I am creppy or just looking someone for one night.

(September 2nd)

ZERKAN:  Hey !! How was ur day ? Please do not mad at me and just give me chance for drinks something with you oneday in  the city. PLEASEEEE

(September 5th)

ZERKAN:  Heyyy! How are u? Today is not amazing pretty day. Hope U’re doing very well. So Whats wrong about me ? Why don’t you want me to say that hiii ? : (

(September 6th)

ZERKAN:  I dont know wht should i have to do for get a message from you ? Let’s give me a chance for get know more each other!  PLEASEEEE

(September 8th)

ZERKAN:  Heyy. I am being persistent for you because i have never seen a girl before like u , fantastic beautiful and sincere. U look very different and real. I’d like to get know u more on my red couch!

I blocked him.  I did not want to “say that hi” and clearly he wasn’t going to stop pestering me.  On one hand, I felt bad because he’s so incredibly desperate.  On the other, you couldn’t pay me to get on that red couch with him.

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