Men Who Leave Voice Mails

23 Aug

It sucks when you give someone from OKCupid your number, then later, upon closer revision of their profile, find them to be a total Jesus freak.  What is even more disenchanting is when they call you and leave you multiple voice mails when you haven’t even met.  I hate hate talking on the phone.  And voice mails are almost enough to shake me into a reunion with my old frenemy, Prozac.  So when JesusLuvr69 (as he is saved in my phone) called me and left me not one, but TWO voice mails, I was ready to change my number.  No one from OKCupid has ever called and left me voice mails until just recently.  What gives?

Earlier in the week, a different man got fresh with my voice mail.  “Ben” said he was 35 in his profile, but looked more like 45 in his pictures.  He had on a dad outfit in one picture and was pretending to steer a ship wheel with one hand tied behind his back.  Why would I agree to meet this man you ask?  I guess you could say I’ve really thrown in the towel at this point.

We met at a Belgian beer bar that I selected because it’s close to my work and dark as can be.  Ben called and left me a voice mail saying he was running late, which I absolutely did not respond to.  He arrived wearing a bright plaid shirt, bright jeans, and enough hair product to cause concern about the proximity between the candle on the table and his shiny head.  It turns out I didn’t have to worry about that, because once we started talking, Ben kept blowing the candle out with his unruly consonants and nose-laugh.  I also noticed that it looked like a medium-sized monster had taken a bite out of each of his ears.

He told me (in New Jersey dialect) that he worked at a bank or a real estate office or something, yet revealed his true passion is performing.  He’d never taken an acting class, but loved doing improv.  “Oh yeah?” I said with feigned interest, in the same tone of voice men from the internet use after I tell them I work in retail.  I soon forgave him for his theatrical desires after he said he didn’t do yoga because he was too scared he’d break wind in front of cute girls.  I’m a big fan of fart jokes and you already know how I feel about straight men who do yoga.  He got really excited when I told him I’ve been working on a children’s book and shared that he and his friends wrote a children’s book once about skateboarding aliens.   We then got into an engaging discussion about our opinions on improv, pigs in a blanket, and dating websites.  I was allegedly his first OKCupid date, but he had been on Match and eHarmony in the past, to no avail.  I told him my theory that nobody on OKCupid uses the website to find a relationship– but rather for one night stands and rebounds (and blogs).  Ben told me he disagrees and knows a lot of people who found their significant other on OKCupid.  Are these people real?  Do they live in New York City?  I’m skeptical.

After another couple rounds of Belgian beer I couldn’t pronounce, Ben got up to use the restroom and told me to close his tab.  The server came over and asked for the name on the credit card.  “I actually have no idea what his name is” I said, feeling a little like a terrible person.  The server laughed, saying “We get a lot of those.”  He came back, paid, and walked me to the train– calling me “Baby” and “Dear” the whole way.  “I’ll call you!” He said as we parted ways.  I bet you will… and I bet you will leave me a voice mail.

Oh god, JesusLuvr69 just texted me saying to meet him at the Empire State Building tonight at seven.  He sells items like Jesus candles, plaster turtle ashtrays, and mousetrap 3-packs to Dollar Stores.  I may go meet him, even if he does believe in the power of prayer.  My current activity– online shopping for the perfect cowboy silhouette lampshade is getting a little redundant.  I have a very specific one in mind…


3 Responses to “Men Who Leave Voice Mails”

  1. iammick August 23, 2012 at 8:25 pm #

    I have it when guys I meet leave me long voicemails as well. They leave this long spiel that they’re going to repeat to me when we talk anyway.

    Frankly, I hate when anyone leaves me a voicemail unless it’s an emergency. I tell people to text or don’t leave a message. I’ll see there’s a missed call and I’ll call them back.

    Great blog by the way! I look forward to reading your future posts.

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog August 24, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

      Thanks so much! Voice mails are the worst. I don’t want to hear a recording of you talking if I’ve never even met you before!


  1. JesusLuvr69 « What's in the Box? - August 25, 2012

    […] Virgin Mary figurines and patriotic Croc knock-offs to Dollar Stores, as I mentioned in my last post) but kept referring to his job as “working in […]

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