Suitors of the Week 5

20 Aug

It’s time for me to open up my inbox and share with you a selection of special messages I’ve received recently:

1.  This guy looked like a male Snow White.  Under “My Self-Summary” he put “I enjoy road trips to insane and unlikely places such as abandoned asylums.”

ME:  “What’re you up to today?”

HIM:  “The usual.  Funeral arrangements followed by an evening spent with sapiens I haven’t seen in a dog’s age.”  (Excuse me?)

 

2.  I was supposed to meet this guy, but canceled on him twice due to two different friends’ birthdays.  These messages transpired after the second cancelation.  The best way I can describe him is a weasel dipped in oil.

HIM:  “Wanna go to a Jackson 5 concert tonihgt? No Michael of coarse lol  ;)”  (Who’s #5 now?  Blanket?)

ME:  “Can’t sorry.  You probably won’t believe this, but I have to go to a birthday party tonight.”

HIM:  “U would def have more fun at the Jackson 5 concert ;) ;)”

HIM:  (Five days later)  “So, I’d invite u to hang but u prolly have a brithday to go to…”  (What can I say, a lot of my friends were born in August.)

 

3.  A guy who obviously finds himself to be a real hoot messaged me a few days ago.  In his picture he is pulling himself out of some kind of sea with only his arms, like a mighty mer-man.  Here’s a little sampling of his profile:

My Self-Summary:  “Your ab exercises just got easier. You’ll laugh your ass off at me!”  (Fact: People who tell me how funny they are generally aren’t that funny.)

On a typical Friday night I am:  “Spending time with my parents.  They deserve it.”

The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:  “Stamps in passport > years I’ve been alive.”   (Is that really a private fact, or did you just need to find a spot on the page to brag about how well-traveled you are?)

Here’s what he messaged me:

HIM:  You seem like a really fun girl, but I feel like there’s a whole other side of you that you’d never reveal here…

ME:  And what side might that be?

HIM:  You’re actually a huge nerd at heart. I mean words like pantomime and Sriracha…stupider people may think pantomime is a form of unflattering underwear and Sriracha is some sort of place in Spain. Am I right Steve Urkel?

ME: (Doesn’t respond, just throws my laptop off a building.)

 

4.  I immediately ruled this guy out when he messaged me because his profile picture was a headshot.  I’m terribly sorry, but if you are an actor I most likely will not respond to you.  It’s not you, it’s me (sort of).  I spent a great majority of my life doing theatre/actors, and as the man at the deli by my work would say, “Eee’s no good!”  Here is a sampling of the actor’s profile:

The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:  “I had to wear an eye patch for a year.”  (What’s with guys on OKCupid being former eye-patch wearers?  This is the third I’ve encountered.  Do they mention it because they think girls like pirates?  Or was their corrective surgery that much of a milestone?)

Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, etc:  “I don’t really read books, but my favorite play is “The Odd Couple” by Neil Simon.”  (Ladies and gentleman, here you have reason number 1,309 why I don’t date actors.  If you are an thespian, his choice of play will be even more amusing to you.  Actor joke.)

What I’m Doing With My Life:  “I’ve currently put my acting career on hold to work at CVS.”  (Aaaand here’s reason number 1,310.)

 

All I want is a tall, funny man who will take me to Pizzeria Uno.  Is that asking too much?!

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