Just Your Average Thursday

18 Aug

Thursday night began with a couple of Australians in matching loafers and ended with a lonely lesbian in a cape.

Out for another friend’s birthday, a group of us found ourselves at Off the Wagon in the West Village.  The minute we received our pitcher of beer, two Australian guys helped themselves to our table.  They were in town for the week visiting, and were eager to pick up some American girls.  One of them kept waiving his pointer finger at our stomachs and asking if he could play the “Can I Touch Your Bellybutton” game with us.  I informed him that there was no chance he would get laid in the USA if he kept attempting to stick his finger in stranger’s bellybuttons.  His response was “Hmm, it worked in Munich.”  The other guy kept leaning in really close to me and talking about ‘roos.  The ins and outs of the lives of marsupials is ALWAYS a topic I will entertain.  I told him I recently watched an enriching video about joeys.  When they are born, they come out looking like a tiny pink slug, then slowly inch their way up the fur and into their mother’s pouch to finish developing.  No one at the table seemed moved by the miracle of joeys.

A popular dance song came on and both of the Aussies began a little two-step.  It was then that I noticed they were wearing the same ugly loafers– one in brown, the other in black.  I took a picture to commemorate their dad-shoes, pretending not to be making fun of them.

It was time for us to journey on to a bar in Brooklyn, so our evening with the Australians had come to an end.  We went to a bar in Greenpoint where a friend was DJing, and later I stopped at No Name on the way to the train to see if Noodle Man was there.  Sadly he wasn’t, but an Asian girl with slurred speech and a flowing cape bought me a beer.  She told me she was in town visiting her girlfriend, but hadn’t been able to locate her yet.  Wuh oh.  When she put her arm around me I finished my beer, wished her luck, and went home.

My phone had died earlier and when I got home and plugged it in I had received about a hundred texts from some OKCupid guy.  He had been soaking in a tub whilst texting me and was giving me play-by-play updates of his hot bath, ie: “In the bath with a good book.  No bubbles though,” “Now I’m out of the bath, toweling off,” “Fully clothed now, feeling very relaxed ;).”  He asked if he could take me out on a boat on the Hudson sometime this week.  “I’d be delighted” I texted back with one hand, the other occupied by the family-sized baguette I was cuddling.  This guy kinda sounds like a handful– I wasn’t answering any of his texts because my phone was off and he still felt the need to narrate every second of his bubble-less bath to me.

I do really like boats, though…


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