No Means No

6 Aug

Tonight I went on a blind date with a bald Israeli.  Usually when I’m not looking forward to a date, I end up being pleasantly surprised.  Well, tonight I was unpleasantly not surprised.  The bald Israeli, “Michael,” had been hounding me to meet up since I got back into town last week.  I told him I couldn’t go out until the weekend because I was broke from my trip.  He said that he wanted to meet tonight and that he would buy me a drink (this statement was accompanied by multiple smiley faces).  I acquiesced.  I ended up getting out of work a little early, so I found the place where we had planned to meet in the East Village and waited in the bar across the street.  It was less busy, darker, had Miller Light on draft, and was playing The Beach Boys.  I threw down a few of my sad last dollars in exchange for a beer and texted him saying he could meet me where I was, or else I’d see him at the other place in fifteen minutes.  He said he’d be right there.  While I waited for him, I went through my phone and deleted the numbers of past OKCupid blind dates such as Horse Man, John LispLips, Nic Balls, Brian MurderGloves, Street MeatMan, Cowboy Bebop, and Yuck City.  Just kidding, I kept Yuck City because I really want to text it to figure out who I saved under that name.

When Michael showed up, I recognized him right away– and instantly noted that he had exaggerated his height online.  He was at least two inches shorter than he had claimed, and was wearing man capris, flip flops, and a Pac Sun shirt.  He was indeed bald, with dark features and a thick Israeli accent.  He ordered a Brooklyn Lager and we began an extraordinarily awkward conversation.  I felt like I was conducting an interview because he would only speak if I prompted him with a question.  His answers were bland and generic, and I pretended he followed them with “And how about you?” to keep the conversation going.  Although he hardly spoke, he did do a large amount of staring.  I could feel him staring at me even when I wasn’t looking at him.  I finished the beer I had ordered before he got there and the bartender asked if I wanted another.  He had barely started his first beer, so I said yes.  Michael made no effort to get out his wallet, even though he had talked me into going out by offering to buy me a drink– so I paid for a second beer and silently hurled curse words at him in my mind.

He finally asked me his first question of the night: would I like to come up to his apartment for a tour?  He said his place was small, but he really wanted to “show me around.”  We had not even known each other a full hour.  I told him I have a rule that prohibits me from going to guy’s apartments the first night I meet them.  He would not take no for an answer… And that is putting it nicely.  I was shocked by how pushy he was being when he had been so quiet throughout our captivating thirty-minute conversation.  He said he was done with his beer (he hadn’t even finished it) and we went outside so he could smoke.  I had to tell him ten more times I wasn’t going to his apartment, so he suggested we take a walk together.  I said we could walk in the direction of the L train.  He announced he was going to continue to attempt to change my mind and asked me why didn’t I want to be spontaneous and break the rules?  Unfortunately, the door to his building was on the way to the L, and when we got to it, he tried a final time to get me to go up.  At this point, I was totally uncomfortable and disgusted by him.  I said I was going home to make dinner and he told me that sounded boring.  Yeah, OK.  I reached my hand out to shake his and he not only pulled me in for a hug, but swooped his face into mine and attempted to thrust his tongue into my mouth.  GROSS.  I pulled away as fast as I could and took off toward the train.  By the time I got back to Brooklyn, I had received a text from Michael that said “Hmmm…you should have stayed :-)”

In my 27 years on Earth, I have certainly encountered some aggressive guys who assume girls are going to put out on the first date.  What I don’t get is how this guy could be so closed-off and insipid, then turn around and be shocked I wouldn’t go back to his place and sleep with him after our “date” lasted less than an hour!  At least step up your game and fake some sort of personality if you’re that desperate.  I hate to think about how well he would take “No” for an answer once some naive OKCupid girl actually does go up to his apartment for a “tour.”  Major frown-y face.

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One Response to “No Means No”

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  1. Thanks for the Franks « What's in the Box? - October 2, 2012

    […]  The man-whores who are only on the website to find people to have sex with such as Michael, Jimmy, […]

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