Juicy Buns

4 Jul

I only went on one date last week because I was in hibernation mode.  We were meeting at some intellectual beer purveyor in Williamsburg that I walked past three times before finding it.  Why do guys always take me to beer snob locales?  I drink Miller High Life and PBR– I don’t know what a Withering Gosling IPA is.  The guy was tall, dark, and Alaskan.  He had really tiny, sharp teeth that looked like they could easily catch a trout straight from the stream.  Actually, they looked as if they could gnaw through my bike lock I’ve been having trouble opening…

We chatted outside, drinking beer I’d never heard of and, despite a ring of surrounding smokers, I could smell his clothing from across the table.  I know this may sound crazy, but if your favorite t-shirt has been sitting in your drawer for many moons, you should probably give it a wash before wearing it on a date.  I’ve never been known to dislike a hint of male body odor, but musty clothing is a turn-off.

We were only at the bar for one beer’s time before he suggested we go share some Chinese food.  He told me he was craving juicy pork buns.  Excuse me?  Yes, I had heard him correctly.  We got to the restaurant and he announced that he had recently become an uncle to a baby named Arrow, or Farrow, or Weasel, or something.  His family was really close, but he had moved to New York to write songs about the environment.  I think one of his songs was called “Ozone Calling”… or was it “Who’ll Stop the Aerosol?”  He bit into one of his pork buns and the juice squirted violently across the table, coming to rest on my arm.  I don’t blame the bun, because that’s probably how I would feel if I was getting punctured by those teeth (and “bun” is one of my all-time favorite words).  He insisted I try one, which also ejected it’s juices to and fro.

Covered in pork juice and Eau de Garage Sale, he gave me an Alaskan hug goodbye and I promptly returned home to my slumbers.  I don’t remember anything else about this guy because his pork buns were so memorable.  Now I know the worst food ever to order on a date.

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One Response to “Juicy Buns”

  1. Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants July 4, 2012 at 9:27 am #

    They take you to beer snob locales hoping that you’ll stop drinking Miller High Life ;) Eww

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