Horse Man & Tall Man

30 Jun

Day four of my OKCupid marathon was supposed to be Horse Man, aka the Moroccan keychain phantom, aka the idiot with the “intense nasal infection.”  He had rescheduled with me four times over the course of far too many months, and I was starting to wonder if he was actually a real person.  He told me he would meet me at a bar around the corner from where I work, so it wasn’t out of my way to drop by and see if he actually showed up.  Nope.  He texted me saying he would be twenty minutes late, then (twenty minutes later) said he was sorry but his childhood friend had surprised him and he needed to reschedule again.  I told him not a chance and that either he is not real/someone screwing with me, or he is the most socially inept person ever.  I didn’t care one bit about being stood up, however, because I was tired and now had the night off!   And he looked like a pink horse balloon with teeth in his pictures.  Even I don’t like keychains THAT much.

Day five was the first time that I have gone on two dates in one day.  I’ve heard legends of ambitious internet daters who have taken on this challenge, but I never had the balls.  Or the energy.  My first date was at 4pm in Chelsea with Tall Man.  He was the tallest of all the tall men that had contacted me and his entire profile revolved around how tall he is and all the tall situations he gets himself into.  His story is similar to Horse Man’s in that he rescheduled with me multiple times, had just returned from traveling abroad, and had promised me a magnet from Uzbekistan (they don’t have keychains there).  Both of them sent me a million texts, and both of them said “Fantastic” in response to everything I said.  I half expected him to stand me up the way Horse Man had the night before.  He had suggested we meet at Starbucks, which sounded like the worst idea ever… so when I got off the train, I searched high and low for a bar.  Apparently everyone in Chelsea goes to the gym and doesn’t drink, because I passed about fifteen gyms, but had to walk seven blocks to find a bar.

Tall Man arrived, looking tall and smelling like aftershave.  He had forgotten to bring the magnet.  I was drinking a Bud Light when he arrived, which he teased me about.  The server came over and he ordered “a full-bodied white wine of your choice and a sparkling water with lime.  Sparkling.  Not still.”  Bear in mind we were in a sports bar surrounded by a bunch of old men watching soccer.  The server looked at him funny and told him they only had one kind of wine.  He rolled his eyes and said that would do.  Throughout our date, he continuously checked himself out in the mirror that was on the wall beside our booth.  His phone rang several times and each time he would say “Sorry, last time… I have to take this.”  Then, he would hang up, look down, mumble important business matters to himself for a few seconds, and tell me how busy he was working on this marketing campaign.  Squeezing his lime into his sparkling water, he told me that he played football in college, now worked for a very impressive marketing firm, and has been on OKCupid for over a year.  I’ve found in my field trials that men who have been on OKCupid for long periods of time are more likely to be assholes, crazy, or just looking for sex.  Tall Man was obviously on the prowl because, when I asked him what his name was short for, he answered “There’s nothing short about me, kiddo.  Maybe after a few more rounds you can test that verification.”  He made sure to remind me multiple times that it’s not difficult for him to get women, he is just so busy with his job, traveling, and all of the charity work he does for underprivileged children and endangered species.  He joined OKCupid because he was tired of having one night stands with girls in bars, and said he thinks women like him because he’s tall and has big hands… “and you know what they say about men with big hands.”  Yeah, big hands- big ego.  I told him a few of my OKCupid stories and he said “Clearly you need to have better taste in men.  I’ll help you with that.”

The best way I can describe him is aggressively male, verging on controlling.  Whenever I spoke about myself, he found a flirty/joking way to cut me down.  Every time he joked around with me, he followed it with “That was a joke” or “I’m flirting with you,” but then justified why he was right, ie: “but you were the one who brought it up” or “you were the one who messaged me first.”  I am very mindful of men who do this because when I was younger, I dated a guy who was controlling and emotionally abusive.  The fact that I was getting that vibe from Tall Man in the first hour of knowing him was creepy.  He shared a story with me about how he was once almost picked up by a very believable tranny at a nightclub.  The bartender had warned him that the sexy woman he was talking to had a penis, but he accused him of being jealous and challenged him to a fist fight.  As he was about to leave with her, he got nervous and asked if she was a he.  “Didn’t you know?  I’m famous” she replied, running her hand up his leg to his package.  He thanked the bartender for warning him and left the bar.  “What if I had brought her home with me?!” he asked me, “What if stuff had happened between us before I found out she was a guy?  What if I had killed her?”  Yikes, that came out of nowhere.

We left after a second drink because he had to go meet some businessmen.  I pulled out my wallet to pay for my beers, but he stopped me, saying firmly “The man always pays.”  He walked me to the train and asked what I was doing for the rest of the night.  I said I was going to go home, shower, and make dinner and he said “Oh, you couldn’t shower before you met me?”  I told him I had been in Manhattan already and would’ve had to go all the way back to Brooklyn then back into the city.  He said “Oh God, you live in Brooklyn?  I’d have to renew my passport to go there.”  Oh please.  He told me he wouldn’t be able to take me out again for a couple weeks because he was traveling- this time to go rescue some sea turtles- but he was attracted to me and definitely wanted to see me when he returned.  As we approached the subway stop he said “So, are we going to have an awkward goodbye?”  I gave him a forced hug and breathed a big sigh of relief as I descended the steps down to the platform.  No, I did not want to hang out with him again.  He creeped me out and I had no interest in verifying whether his big penis jokes held any weight.

My second date that night was a repeat- with “Ricardo” from my “Always a Rodeo” post.  We went to a bar in my neighborhood, played cards and drank beer.  Not much to report… It was a relaxing end to the day after my stressful encounter with Tall Man.

And that concludes my five-day blind date marathon.  Five dates wiser and three keychains richer.

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2 Responses to “Horse Man & Tall Man”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Thanks for the Franks « What's in the Box? - October 2, 2012

    […] 1)  The totally un-dateable weirdos/psychos such as Chad, Jonah, Dennis, and Tall Man […]

  2. Horse Man Returns « What's in the Box? - November 17, 2012

    […] Thursday morning I was surprised to see a familiar face pop up in my inbox.  It was HORSE MAN.  For those who aren’t as well-versed in my suitor history, Horse Man initially contacted me […]

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