OKCupid 101

18 Jun

OKCupid should really just hire me onto their staff.  I don’t want to brag, but I am pretty much a pro at this point… the fact that I am single is inconsequential.  For those of you who have never had the pleasure of experiencing OKCupid, allow me to briefly explain how it works.  After you fill out your initial profile, you have to “Improve your Matches” by answering as many multiple-choice questions as you wish.  The idea is that the more you answer, the higher potential match percentile you have with people.  There are questions regarding relationships, sex, common sense, and religion/politics/ethics, etc.  For example: “Which makes for a better relationship? A) Dedication, or B) Passion.”  You answer for yourself, then you choose which option you want your ideal partner’s response to be.  Then you rate (from Mandatory, Very Important, Somewhat Important, or Not at All Important) how important it is that he (or she) answer that way.  If you really want to be an eager beaver, you can add a brief explanation for your selection such as “Without passion, what else differentiates us from the pebbles at the bottom of my fish tank?!”  If you and some random user both select “Passion” and determine that it is “Very Important,” you’ve just upped your match percentile… and chances are it’ll totally work out between the two of you.

Another example:  “If you turn a left-handed glove inside out, it fits: A) On my left hand, or B) On my right hand.”  In this case, I would answer “A) On my left hand,” check the “Very Important” box, and then add my explanation: “My doctor messed up my prosthesis, so I only have left hands.”  And I’m one step closer to finding a match!

Or “Have you ever written anything on the wall of a toilet.”  My answer is no, and this is VERY IMPORTANT.  Explanation: “The porcelain throne is a sacred place; one that cannot be blemished, be it by sticker, sharpie, or rampant fecal matter.”

Or “Which of the two would be your preference: A lifetime supply of your favorite snack food or a 30-minute orgasm? A) Orgasm, or B) Duh, give me the snacks!”  VERY IMPORTANT.  Explanation:  “The orgasm is only 30 minutes.  Pshhhhh, the snacks are forever.”  You get the idea.

There are a lot of questions involving smelling and tasting different areas of your partner’s body and clothing, as well as many other fetish questions.  I generally steer clear of those questions, with the exception of these two (which are my favorite):  1. “How does the idea of getting slapped hard in the face during sex make you feel? A) Horrified, B) Aroused, C) Nostalgic, D) Indifferent.”  Clearly the correct answer here is “C) Nostalgic.”  Explanation:  “Awww, that reminds me of the way Uncle Gerald used to slap me across the face during our Sunday morning fishing trips, before he got fatally maimed by a bear upstate.”  2. “Would you consider a relationship where you would take on an exclusive sexual role as master or slave?  A) Yes, as the master only, B) Yes, as the slave only.”  Is this real??  Has one of the people in charge of making up questions for OKCupid been involved in such a relationship?  I love “Yes, as the master only” and how the only men I’ve seen answer this question are nerdy and scrawny.  At least they are laying all their cards right out on the table.

The question that always amazes me is “Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?”  It is astounding how many men on the website answer this with “Yes.”  Maybe because of the way it’s phrased… but it makes me mad.  Sure, everyone prefers a shaved leg on a lady, particularly during the summer months…but obligated?  That’s a bit much.  Of course this was one of the questions that the JK/LOL man (from my latest Pick Up Lines post) answered.  In fact, I took note of his answers to several questions because they turned my stomach even more than when he said shopping with his mother was “gay”.  Here they are:  Do you think that women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?  “Yes.  Don’t be a dyke.”  Do you think that a girl who has slept with 100 guys is a bad person?  “Yes.  Don’t be a slut.”  Could you date someone who does drugs?  “No.  Don’t be a crackhead.”  Would you consider having an open relationship?  “No.  Quit being a whore!”  Is astrological sign at all important in a match?  “No.  Stop being crazy.”  OKCupid thinks that I am an 80% match with this creep, but if I ever saw him in person I would probably punch him in his misogynistic face.

To end on a happy note, here are my favorite two messages from my inbox this week:

Guy 1: “Can I take you out for a drink?  Anything will beat my last two dates.  The first was a morbidly obese girl who sent me pictures of herself eating ice cream in only a bra & challenged me to an ice cream eating contest.  The second was a married couple and the husband kept calling me a bull stud and ordering me to plant my seed in his wife.”

Guy 2: “Hi there!  As my profile states, I have really big calf muscles.  Do you have any abnormally large body parts?”

I have a good feeling about this week.  My mystical tea leaves told me there will be at least one keychain coming my way!


7 Responses to “OKCupid 101”

  1. Dating Superstar June 18, 2012 at 7:34 pm #

    The questions are user submitted, which explains why they’re so weird

  2. editrixabby November 20, 2012 at 6:47 pm #

    OKCupid offers a neverending supply of hilarity!
    Guy #1 was clearly joking. No?
    And what’s that creep’s screen name? (The one who thinks women are obligated to shave their legs and keeps saying what NOT TO BE!) I wanna torture him. And NOT in a fetish-y way!

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog November 20, 2012 at 7:20 pm #

      Oh I wish I could remember! If I come across him again, I will take note.

  3. heylookchris November 30, 2012 at 2:39 pm #

    Ok, I still have a very negative (and probably outdated) viewpoint on online dating. But this post was hilarious. Good job!!

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog November 30, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

      You’ll never know til ya try. I have a lot of friends who have found their significant other/spouse on OKCupid. It also can be fun constantly meeting new people. Thank you for reading/following!!!

  4. Matt December 3, 2012 at 1:05 pm #

    Wait a minute.. If you turn a glove inside out it fits on the opposite hand, right? I really need a glove right now to test this. -50 on-line dating points for you missy, unless of course I prove myself wrong once I find a damn glove.

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog December 3, 2012 at 6:41 pm #

      I was just making a little joke my friend. Thanks again for reading!

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