Judgmental Jonah

26 May

Have you ever wondered who the most negative man in all of New York City is?  What does he do?  Where does he live?  Well, your search is over because I went on a date with him on Wednesday night.  He works in the West Village and lives in Astoria… We’ll call him “Jonah.”

I try not to meet up with anyone from OKCupid who appears to be super serious because I’m not, so it is usually a serious waste of my time.  Under “You Should Message Me If” I even put “You don’t take yourself seriously!” (among other things).  Unfortunately, the serious guys must not think they’re serious because my disclaimer has not always proven to work very well.

Jonah had originally messaged me while he was in Washington D.C. on a business trip.  I told him to bring me back a patriotic key chain and his response was to sketch various keychain possibilities on post-it notes, stick them on his face and send me pictures of this.  I thought “Hey, surely this guy must have a sense of humor about himself if he puts post-its on his face.”  Wrong.  The red flags I chose to ignore on his profile were:  Diet: “Strictly vegetarian”, Pets: “Doesn’t like dogs and doesn’t like cats”, I want my next relationship to last: “For the rest of my life”.  He additionally noted that he isn’t looking for a “flimsy relationship comparable to the durability of Ikea furniture.”  I also noticed that he had answered one of the questions indicating that he would be interested in having sex with a man, which didn’t really seem to fit the rest of his profile.

We met at Art Bar after I got off work.  Apparently, on his way into the bar, he accidentally introduced himself to another girl he thought was me who was also waiting to meet someone from OKCupid.  The girl was about four inches shorter than I, curvy, with pitch black hair, bangs, and a pair of white arms that were covered in tattoos.  After they sorted out the mix up, the girl found her date and Jonah found me.  He had fluffy dirty-blonde hair and looked much older in person than he did online.  He was wearing a shirt that was too short for him, a necklace, and a watch with one of those stretchy metal bands.  I don’t remember the pants or shoes because I was mostly concerned with his jewelry.  AND because he actually brought me a keychain!  Jackpot.

He sat down at the bar and positioned himself so that he could stare at the other girl for the next hour.  Although I attempted to have a conversation with him, he constantly glanced over at their table and kept interrupting me to give updates on how their date was going.  He speculated that she was bored, that her date was much too old for her and that she kept making ‘gun-to-the-head’ gestures at Jonah the whole time.  At one point, I was in the middle of a sentence and he leapt up from his stool and said “I have to go to the bathroom!  Be right back!”  I turned to see that the other couple had vacated their booth.  Jonah raced in the direction of the bathrooms, presumably because he thought he was going to meet the other girl in there to compare notes.  When he couldn’t find her, he did a melodramatic ‘which way did she go!’ movement, rapidly searching the bar for her in a squat position with outstretched arms and everything.  When he realized that she had exited the bar with her date instead of meeting him for a rendezvous, he returned to his seat without even attempting to make it look like he had really gone to the bathroom.  He looked disappointed.  I said “I think she left” and he exclaimed “I can’t believe she would go home with a guy like that!”  Like he had known this girl all his life.  I began wondering if this was a joke or if this guy was actually this unbelievable.

After that, our conversation became even more enchanting.  Literally ANYTHING I said he would shoot down and say he hated it.  In our two hours (maybe) together I learned he hates New York City because he moved here for a girl who promptly dumped him, he hates OKCupid and has hated everyone he’s met from the site, hates sports, hates meat-eaters, hates animals, hates classic rock, hates New Mexico, hates going to bars, hates Brooklyn, and so on.  Whew, this guy was exhausting!  He informed me that my tattoo looks like it should be on an American Apparel t-shirt and I noticed he had a single tiny tattoo of some sort of pill on his arm.  He said he missed California (where he was from) and that he wanted to start a website for guys to meet other guys because he doesn’t have any friends.  I told him there is an app for that, and it’s called Grindr.  I asked him why he is on OKCupid if he hates it so much and he said he’s looking for a serious girlfriend, but every girl on the site is an “aspiring ____.”  He added that he’s sick of meeting girls who are bartenders or work in retail, saying “Just be something cool now, please!”  I started to tell him that I work in retail and am happy with the direction my life is heading at the moment, but figured it wasn’t even worth it.  He went on to tell me that he might delete his OKCupid account because it greatly offends him when ugly girls send him messages.  I asked him why and he said “Because it’s insulting that they actually think they have a chance with ME.”  Whoa dude.  Anyone who dates this guy would need to either be in a coma, or on eighty milligrams of Prozac.

Surprisingly, he picked up the tab before making one last run to the restroom.  I looked at the receipt and noticed that the bartender had given us a free round and he still only tipped her 10%.  I went from strongly disliking this guy to accepting that he is probably the worst person on the planet.  I pulled aside the bartender and said “I’m so sorry, I’m on a blind date with this guy, he just left you a horrible tip and I don’t have any cash.”  She told me not to worry about it because I go in there all the time (it’s down the street from my work) and she knows I’m not a bad tipper.  When he returned, I thanked him for the keychain and got the hell out of there.

When I got home, I googled Jonah and found his Twitter account.  Not ten minutes after we parted ways, he tweeted that his date (me) was “boring, chubby, and judgy.”  Now, I will not deny that I can be judgmental (have you read my blog?)…but coming from the most “judgy” man in all the land, his accusation is a little ironic.  And the only negative thing I said during our “date” was that I hated it when guys used “LOL.”  (I noticed later that he had previously sent me a couple “LOL” texts, so I guess he was mad about that.)  Chubby?  Whatever, but the other girl that he had been eyeing all night was definitely larger than I am.  Boring?  Come on!  He just wasn’t listening to my abundance of fascinating anecdotes because he was too busy interrupting me and scampering around the bathroom like an idiot.  Naturally, after reading his tweet, I sent him a direct message on Twitter that read “Aww, and here I was falling deeply in love with you.”  He deleted his OKCupid account.

You want “judgy?”  You, sir, looked like the Man in the Moon and smelled like lady shampoo.

Happy Saturday!

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7 Responses to “Judgmental Jonah”

  1. Caroline Nierman December 5, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

    OMG! I’m laughing out loud, but this really is a horrible, horrible date. You’ve inspired me to write about some of my bad dates on my blog – we should totally compare notes. And also, fuck this guy! What a dick.

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog December 5, 2012 at 9:34 pm #

      Thanks! Yeah he may be the worst out of all of them. Can’t wait to read about your bad dates.

  2. dingdongitsmrwrong December 10, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

    Haha. What a twit! Mr Negative and Insecure. I laughed out loud reading your Twitter reply. Good for you! Will be in touch soon :)

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