Suitors of the Week 4

24 May

One of the things you can always count on, like the waxing and waning of the moon, is that my inbox will be full of odd messages from strange men.  Here are this week’s finest:

(May 20th, 2012)  “Hi I am a superhero.  Shhhh dont tell anybody I have to protect my secret identity.  I am Habichula Man I was bitten by a radioactive goya bean and now posses the proportional speed strength of a bean.  Don’t be afraid fair maiden I use my gifts for good and the protection of mankind my only weakness is Pastellios cause them shits are fucking delicious am I right HIGH FIVE!!”

– 50 points for creativity and because the idea of bean speed appeals to me.  Minus 25 points for being as tall as you are wide, and minus another 25 for advertising on your profile that you “believe in the power of prayer.”  Sorry!


(May 22nd, 2012)  “Wow you’re… really fucking gorgeous!! and even that is an understatement, sorry to drop the F bomb but; I wrote and deleted this like three times, it was the only way I could express myself!! On top of that you seem pretty awesome… I mean 5’9 is a lot of leg =) you should let me cook you dinner sometime… I really hope I hear from you”

– This is the third time this foolish chef has sent me this message, complete with the whole “wrote and deleted this three times” bit.  What he clearly does not recall is that I made the mistake of corresponding with him after he contacted me the first time (last year when I had a different username).  He would not take no for an answer regarding letting him cook me dinner at his place, even after I told him I didn’t feel comfortable meeting someone for the first time in their apartment.  That sounds like a missing persons case waiting to happen.  He started getting really pushy about it so I blocked him…and now here we are again a year later.


(May 22nd, 2012)   “***thinking to myself*** man this girl is so hot!! and i like her profile too, but she must hear this crap all the time on here & gets a million emails a day….so what should i say??? write something down, stupid!….

Ummmmmmm hi!! :D

awww man that sucked major ass!! why do i always say stupid stuff to beautiful women!!! i hope she likes my profile at least and writes me back!” ***crosses fingers***”

– Whoa.  This is the opening message he chose to entice women on the internet to converse with him?  I am embarrassed for anyone who does the inner dialogue/asterisk thing.  Are you a geeky 13 year old girl who likes The Sims and vampire movies?  Actually, judging by his riveting repartee, he might be.


(May 21, 2012)  “I see you work at a store lol.  Today I spent the whole day shoping with my mom in Bloom in soho it was so gay but she really appreciated my help lol. Shits exhausting :( should have gone to your store, then you could have seen me help my 60 year old mom pick out jeans ;) that would have turned you on j/k lol. When are your days off?”

-Yeah, because spending time with your mother is totally gay.  People actually still say that?  This guy claims to be 28, but judging by his overuse of “lol” and emoticons as well as the “gay” thing, I estimate his social skills to be functioning at a seventh grade level.  He should be friends with the asterisk guy…but that might be too “gay.”


(May 19th, 2012)

“Hello sweet lady.

My name is Matis Papadoupoulous , i am from Greece and i am inderst on you.

After i have read your profile and see your photo i can not go nower without even try to contact with you.

If you are looking for a sereusly person, to ofer you respect, fun, good momends, nice time and free vacations in Greece becouse summer is in next door then… contact with me…

I like you.

Best regards, Matis”

– This is my favorite message I have ever received on OKCupid.  I became further obsessed with this 46 year old man when I looked at his profile pictures.  He is in an inviting lounge position in each one- on a car, by a pool, on his desk…and always with one knee up, accenting the crotch.  The best one is of him in a pair of tighty-whities, lounging spread eagle on someone’s fireplace, with the caption “I just waik.”  AMAZING.

One Response to “Suitors of the Week 4”

  1. rachael May 24, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

    The last one is amazingly poetic and by far my fav. English as a second language is hot, especially paired with misuse and a Mediterranean accent. Not only that but this guy is showing complete transparency – he clearly wears his heart on his whities. Maybe you should take him up on his Grecian offerings. After all, don’t we all just want to share a few good momends?

    Also I’d like to know if the super hero guy is hot. Thank you for this inspirational post.

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