Oh No He Di’int!

18 May

Beware, New Yorkers…there is a 40 year old Argentinean artist who preys on unsuspecting young women on the loose!

His initial pick-up line was: “I am an artist and any relationship of any type for me goes first through images. I am working on a project invovling pictures of women smoking –especially if they are tall. Would like to take yours. Not only I consume art, am consumed by it, but also I frequently exibit mine and write about other people’s. I believe that posesivness is a negative trait. Everything else can be everything else.”  After including this message in one of my “Suitors of the Week” posts, another blogger contacted me saying that she had received the exact same proposition from this guy.

I initially ignored him because he sounded totally creepy, but the next night (after a few glasses of wine) I decided to respond to his inane message.  I gathered that he had a kid, was pretty short, had a crooked nose, and looked older than he claimed he was.  Then came the best part of all: the artistic piece he was most known for was one where he dipped his balls in oil paint and placed them on different prints.  My favorite was one where Picasso’s face was obscured by bright red testicle globs.  He expressed frustration that it was the only thing people associated him with (duh), and that his agent kept pestering him to do it again.  Unfortunately, he could not recreate it even if he wanted to because he had developed a severe rash the first time around.  He said his next project was going to be even better and would involve a bunch of pictures of random girls wearing lipstick and smoking cigarettes.  How original.  He asked if he could photograph me and reiterated that he needed me to be wearing red lipstick when we met.  As sketchy as he seemed, I was willing to donate an hour of my time to this weirdo to get some good material.  How could I not?

We agreed to meet at Cafe Select in SoHo two nights ago at 9pm for drinks and a couple “test shots.”  I had come from work and was a few minutes early, so I checked the OKCupid application on my phone.  One of the good (and bad) things about OKCupid is that you can see exactly when someone looked at your profile.  The artist logged on and checked my profile precisely five minutes before he was due to meet me.  Several minutes later, I saw him walking down Lafayette towards me.  I looked away to put my phone in my bag and when I looked up again he was glancing at me sideways as he walked briskly past.  What the hell?  I considered that maybe I was mistaken and it was somebody else…but no, he had a very recognizable face and it was definitely him.  I waited until he rounded the corner before texting him “I’m here.  Where are you?”  At 9:20 he texted me “Sorry, got stuck in the studio with a last minute thing.  Will contact you to reschedule.”  Now, I know I labeled him as a major creep to begin with…but still, he stood me up!  You’re a 40 year old father and you make me walk all the way over to SoHo after working all day just to waste my time?  Oh no he di’int.  I texted him back “Thanks for the advance warning.  And I could’ve sworn I just saw you walk by.”  He wrote back “Must’ve been my doppelganger, I’ve been in my studio the whole time.”  I wanted to point out the fact that he had been creeping on my OKCupid profile twenty-five minutes earlier, yet didn’t text me to say he couldn’t make it until twenty minutes AFTER we were supposed to meet and I texted him.  But I left it alone.  For the moment.

When I got home, I created another OKCupid account with my alternate email address.  Oh yes I did!  I googled “random brunette chick” and used some pictures that weren’t even all of the same person.  I filled out the profile with some nonsense about how I loved “Sex and the City,” roller coasters, and getting my picture taken.  I then clicked on the artist’s profile knowing that he would see I looked and scope out my profile.  He took the bait and, sure enough, I woke up the next morning to the same exact pick up line he had used on me before.  “Chelsea” casually set up a time with him for drinks that afternoon and he told her (me) that red lipstick was imperative.  “See you at 3pm.  Looking forward to it!”  I/Chelsea wrote him in confirmation.  Three o’clock rolled around and I was at home, lounging merrily on my couch, eating avocados in my unmentionables.  An hour later, I logged onto my fake account to find a message from the artist:  “What the fuck?!  You stood me up!”  Part of me wanted to write back “How does it feel, you arrogant little man?”  But the incidents were less than 24 hours apart, so if he didn’t get the message, he is one dense 40 year old.

I don’t care how many things you painted with your ballsack, standing people up is rude.  I have never stood anyone up (well until now I suppose) and I have sat through dates with some real oddballs.  I’ll admit I did feel a little bit guilty for stooping to his level.  Especially after an image popped into my head of a little kid walking in on his father squatting pantless over a paint tray and saying “Daddy, why do you dip your balls in paint and put them on things?”

What a mess.

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6 Responses to “Oh No He Di’int!”

  1. inspiredtomove May 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm #

    hahahahaaaaa this is hilar-balls ;)

  2. WhatsInTheBoxBlog March 9, 2013 at 10:35 am #

    Reblogged this on What's in the Box? and commented:

    ***Here is another reblog from last year. This is one of my favorite OKCupid adventures to date! (No pun intended)***

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. STOOD UP! | PoopPeePuke – Staying Glamorous Despite the Mess - July 2, 2012

    […] love my friend Langley’s blog What’s In The Box and I am not biased at all. Well, even if I am biased it is still a good blog and I enjoy reading […]

  2. Another Creepy Artist « What's in the Box? - August 19, 2012

    […] At least this one didn’t paint with his ballsack. […]

  3. Horse Man Returns « What's in the Box? - November 17, 2012

    […] was in town.  This was the second time I have ever been stood up, the first being, of course, The Artist who painted with his ball sack.  In the end, I wasn’t all that disappointed about missing […]

  4. A Rebounder Gets Rebounded « What's in the Box? - December 5, 2012

    […] that day, for some reason I decided to check my old OKCupid account I still had from screwing with The Artist after he stood me up.  I hadn’t checked it in ages and logged on with the intention to […]

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