Suitors of the Week 3

17 May

The website makes no attempt to hide the fact that the bar is set pretty low…it is called “OKCupid” after all, not “PerfectCupid” or even “AboveAverageCupid.”  This explains why I am a 95% match with someone who answered the “What’s the First Thing People Notice About You?” question with “ThAt My PeNiS iS oUt LoL.”  I have done a few posts highlighting some of the absurd pick-up lines I receive in my inbox.  This week, I decided to have a little fun.  Here are my conversations with six different guys who contacted me.  I hope this post doesn’t prevent me from getting hired in the future like my dad always warns…But I went to graduate school for theatre, so I’m pretty sure I crossed that bridge long ago.

May 13, 2012 – 11:03pm

HIM:  Hey, I’m Trevor.  In the event that you’d like to talk, I can be reached by smoke signals or carrier pigeon, though I prefer carrier pigeon because I’m attempting to go green.

ME:  I think I love you.

HIM:  Whoaaaa too early.  You just scared me off.

ME:  Yeah right.

HIM:  You’re right.  I love you, too.  Let’s get married.

ME:  Ok, I have a dowry.

HIM:  It better be a cow.  If it is, consider us betrothed.  So, what are you doing at the moment?

ME:  Having a sensual lounge session watching 48 Hours Hard Evidence in the nude.

HIM:  Light some scented candles and lay some rose petals around and you’ve just described my evening as well.

ME:  We are meant to be.

HIM:  I’m searching for a freshly poured sidewalk to write our name in as we speak.  Have you ever seen a ghost?  Did it catch you watching TV naked?

ME:  They always watch me when I’m nude.  Especially when I’m writing checks or eating muesli.

HIM:  You just hit on my biggest turn on: muesli.

 

May 14, 2012 – 1:06am

HIM:  Howdy, want to have some online naughty fun?  What are you wearing?

ME:  Slacks and an argyle vest over a beige dickie.  You?

HIM:  I’m wearing basketball shorts and nothing else ;)  What are you doing?

ME:  I’m perusing an article about fishing rods whilst touching my bunions.

HIM:  Um, are you for real?

 

May 16, 2012 – 1:28pm

HIM:  A haiku for you:

Glass of water; half empty

Also, half full

Same thing when drinking.

ME:  A haiku for you:

Backdoor gerbil jaunt

Round and round and up and down

On your anal wheel

 

May 16, 2012 – 11:38pm

HIM:  Wow, u seem like actually a cool person for once!  And I totally wanna make out with ur profile picture!

ME:  Thank u!  OMG u look just like Verne Troyer!

 

May 17, 2012 – 12:32am

HIM:  What shocking modesty and sweeping eloquence apparently indicative of a fascinatingly eclectic persona… And what did you dream about last Saturday by the way?

ME:  Last Saturday? Hmm, let me think.  Ah, it was a dream involving burly loggers aboard a cramped raft, being jostled closer and closer to one another by the restless current of the great whitewaters.  I was in the center of the raft, blanketed by their cascading beards.

HIM:  Ah, that sounds quite authentic and detailed indeed :) … And what are your seven favorite orchestral pieces?

 

May 17, 2012 – 2:40pm

HIM:  Hi, so I am 42 year old Spanish man, 5’9 tall, and 180 lbs with a fit body, black hair, brown eyes, and looking for friend to have a long or short free spirit casual sex relationship.

ME:  Yeah ok.  What’s nuevo?

HIM:  LOL…. Nothing just chilling and you?  Tienes algo nuevo?

ME:  Practicando mi espanol.  Pero estoy muy malo lololol!!!!!!!

HIM:  Creo que tu espanol esta muy bueno. Quieres conocerme en persona? ;)

ME:  Si, cuando la luna esta llena y usted es una mujer.

HIM:  Adios.

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2 Responses to “Suitors of the Week 3”

  1. Andrew May 17, 2012 at 8:37 pm #

    What?! I’m getting my Master’s degree is in musical theatre! I guess it’s a wine night….

  2. whatsintheboxblog May 17, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

    Haha it’s ALWAYS a wine night.

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