Archive | May, 2012

Things Not To Say on a Blind Date

28 May

Let’s take a quick break from poking fun at other people and turn it around on myself.  I don’t have much of a filter…which can make for some “Oh shit, I said that?!” moments the next morning.  Here are a few things I have caught myself saying out loud on dates the past couple months:

“I’ll give you fifty dollars if you stick this wing in that dude’s fro.”

“I used to hate mushrooms because of the texture.  I forced myself to like them by eating them every day until I enjoyed it.  For example, if you didn’t like the feel of a rabbit’s fur, but you stroked one every day…eventually you would like it very much.”

“Did you first contact me the day that I had a picture of my ass up?”

“I had to change my clothes in the cab on the way over so I wouldn’t look like a lesbian nursing home attendant when we met.”

“What’s your take on loin cloths?”

“I know how the people on The X Files felt because I was subjected to multiple research studies while I lived in Boston.”

“How much hair is hiding underneath that shirt of yours?” (As I unbutton his entire shirt in the middle of a bar, 40 minutes after meeting him.)

“I’m not Russian, you are.”  (After a Russian guy asked why I was rushing.)

“I have a blog about blind dating.”

“You can read my blog, just don’t read the one where I shaved in some guy’s sink.”

“The eagle has landed.”

“You smell like a cedar sock block.”

“The last guy I went on a blind date with brought me a keychain…”

“Wait, what was your name again?”


The 2012 Keychain Experiment

26 May

After five months or so on OKCupid, I have come up with the most brilliant of plans.  Almost every guy on the website uploads pictures of himself doing some serious traveling.  Many of these guys even kill two birds with one stone and put up a picture where they’re in a foreign country, topless, jumping off a cliff into a body of water.  This allows them to show us ladies not only how worldly they are, but also what they look like without a shirt on.  And we all know how important the shirtless bathroom mirror shot is when selecting a mate.  Sometimes I’ll even check out a guy’s profile and find that each of his profile pictures were taken in a different country, featuring him wearing sunglasses and a fez, riding camels, climbing a monument, spelunking in a fanny pack, holding someone’s native baby, etc.  In many cases you can’t even tell what they look like because they are so far away in front of a mountain or something on fire.

Anyway, after lamenting for days over how my keys have been looking a little naked lately, I came up with a pleasing and challenging solution:  Try to get as many guys to bring me a keychain offering as I can!  I can’t afford to travel the world right now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a happening keychain situation.

None of my friends seem to be as excited about this as I am, but really, the possibilities are endless.  Ah well, who will be laughing when I have fobs from around the globe?!  Right now, I’m looking at potential keychains from Prague, Morocco, Uzbekistan, and Idaho.  I wasn’t sure if they have keychains in Idaho, so I told that guy I would accept a potato magnet as well.

Thus far, I have received one keychain- A Washington D.C. one from Judgmental Jonah. Here it is with my keys and yoga card.

I will be sure to keep you abreast of any and all keychain updates!

Judgmental Jonah

26 May

Have you ever wondered who the most negative man in all of New York City is?  What does he do?  Where does he live?  Well, your search is over because I went on a date with him on Wednesday night.  He works in the West Village and lives in Astoria… We’ll call him “Jonah.”

I try not to meet up with anyone from OKCupid who appears to be super serious because I’m not, so it is usually a serious waste of my time.  Under “You Should Message Me If” I even put “You don’t take yourself seriously!” (among other things).  Unfortunately, the serious guys must not think they’re serious because my disclaimer has not always proven to work very well.

Jonah had originally messaged me while he was in Washington D.C. on a business trip.  I told him to bring me back a patriotic key chain and his response was to sketch various keychain possibilities on post-it notes, stick them on his face and send me pictures of this.  I thought “Hey, surely this guy must have a sense of humor about himself if he puts post-its on his face.”  Wrong.  The red flags I chose to ignore on his profile were:  Diet: “Strictly vegetarian”, Pets: “Doesn’t like dogs and doesn’t like cats”, I want my next relationship to last: “For the rest of my life”.  He additionally noted that he isn’t looking for a “flimsy relationship comparable to the durability of Ikea furniture.”  I also noticed that he had answered one of the questions indicating that he would be interested in having sex with a man, which didn’t really seem to fit the rest of his profile.

We met at Art Bar after I got off work.  Apparently, on his way into the bar, he accidentally introduced himself to another girl he thought was me who was also waiting to meet someone from OKCupid.  The girl was about four inches shorter than I, curvy, with pitch black hair, bangs, and a pair of white arms that were covered in tattoos.  After they sorted out the mix up, the girl found her date and Jonah found me.  He had fluffy dirty-blonde hair and looked much older in person than he did online.  He was wearing a shirt that was too short for him, a necklace, and a watch with one of those stretchy metal bands.  I don’t remember the pants or shoes because I was mostly concerned with his jewelry.  AND because he actually brought me a keychain!  Jackpot.

He sat down at the bar and positioned himself so that he could stare at the other girl for the next hour.  Although I attempted to have a conversation with him, he constantly glanced over at their table and kept interrupting me to give updates on how their date was going.  He speculated that she was bored, that her date was much too old for her and that she kept making ‘gun-to-the-head’ gestures at Jonah the whole time.  At one point, I was in the middle of a sentence and he leapt up from his stool and said “I have to go to the bathroom!  Be right back!”  I turned to see that the other couple had vacated their booth.  Jonah raced in the direction of the bathrooms, presumably because he thought he was going to meet the other girl in there to compare notes.  When he couldn’t find her, he did a melodramatic ‘which way did she go!’ movement, rapidly searching the bar for her in a squat position with outstretched arms and everything.  When he realized that she had exited the bar with her date instead of meeting him for a rendezvous, he returned to his seat without even attempting to make it look like he had really gone to the bathroom.  He looked disappointed.  I said “I think she left” and he exclaimed “I can’t believe she would go home with a guy like that!”  Like he had known this girl all his life.  I began wondering if this was a joke or if this guy was actually this unbelievable.

After that, our conversation became even more enchanting.  Literally ANYTHING I said he would shoot down and say he hated it.  In our two hours (maybe) together I learned he hates New York City because he moved here for a girl who promptly dumped him, he hates OKCupid and has hated everyone he’s met from the site, hates sports, hates meat-eaters, hates animals, hates classic rock, hates New Mexico, hates going to bars, hates Brooklyn, and so on.  Whew, this guy was exhausting!  He informed me that my tattoo looks like it should be on an American Apparel t-shirt and I noticed he had a single tiny tattoo of some sort of pill on his arm.  He said he missed California (where he was from) and that he wanted to start a website for guys to meet other guys because he doesn’t have any friends.  I told him there is an app for that, and it’s called Grindr.  I asked him why he is on OKCupid if he hates it so much and he said he’s looking for a serious girlfriend, but every girl on the site is an “aspiring ____.”  He added that he’s sick of meeting girls who are bartenders or work in retail, saying “Just be something cool now, please!”  I started to tell him that I work in retail and am happy with the direction my life is heading at the moment, but figured it wasn’t even worth it.  He went on to tell me that he might delete his OKCupid account because it greatly offends him when ugly girls send him messages.  I asked him why and he said “Because it’s insulting that they actually think they have a chance with ME.”  Whoa dude.  Anyone who dates this guy would need to either be in a coma, or on eighty milligrams of Prozac.

Surprisingly, he picked up the tab before making one last run to the restroom.  I looked at the receipt and noticed that the bartender had given us a free round and he still only tipped her 10%.  I went from strongly disliking this guy to accepting that he is probably the worst person on the planet.  I pulled aside the bartender and said “I’m so sorry, I’m on a blind date with this guy, he just left you a horrible tip and I don’t have any cash.”  She told me not to worry about it because I go in there all the time (it’s down the street from my work) and she knows I’m not a bad tipper.  When he returned, I thanked him for the keychain and got the hell out of there.

When I got home, I googled Jonah and found his Twitter account.  Not ten minutes after we parted ways, he tweeted that his date (me) was “boring, chubby, and judgy.”  Now, I will not deny that I can be judgmental (have you read my blog?)…but coming from the most “judgy” man in all the land, his accusation is a little ironic.  And the only negative thing I said during our “date” was that I hated it when guys used “LOL.”  (I noticed later that he had previously sent me a couple “LOL” texts, so I guess he was mad about that.)  Chubby?  Whatever, but the other girl that he had been eyeing all night was definitely larger than I am.  Boring?  Come on!  He just wasn’t listening to my abundance of fascinating anecdotes because he was too busy interrupting me and scampering around the bathroom like an idiot.  Naturally, after reading his tweet, I sent him a direct message on Twitter that read “Aww, and here I was falling deeply in love with you.”  He deleted his OKCupid account.

You want “judgy?”  You, sir, looked like the Man in the Moon and smelled like lady shampoo.

Happy Saturday!

Suitors of the Week 4

24 May

One of the things you can always count on, like the waxing and waning of the moon, is that my inbox will be full of odd messages from strange men.  Here are this week’s finest:

(May 20th, 2012)  “Hi I am a superhero.  Shhhh dont tell anybody I have to protect my secret identity.  I am Habichula Man I was bitten by a radioactive goya bean and now posses the proportional speed strength of a bean.  Don’t be afraid fair maiden I use my gifts for good and the protection of mankind my only weakness is Pastellios cause them shits are fucking delicious am I right HIGH FIVE!!”

– 50 points for creativity and because the idea of bean speed appeals to me.  Minus 25 points for being as tall as you are wide, and minus another 25 for advertising on your profile that you “believe in the power of prayer.”  Sorry!


(May 22nd, 2012)  “Wow you’re… really fucking gorgeous!! and even that is an understatement, sorry to drop the F bomb but; I wrote and deleted this like three times, it was the only way I could express myself!! On top of that you seem pretty awesome… I mean 5’9 is a lot of leg =) you should let me cook you dinner sometime… I really hope I hear from you”

– This is the third time this foolish chef has sent me this message, complete with the whole “wrote and deleted this three times” bit.  What he clearly does not recall is that I made the mistake of corresponding with him after he contacted me the first time (last year when I had a different username).  He would not take no for an answer regarding letting him cook me dinner at his place, even after I told him I didn’t feel comfortable meeting someone for the first time in their apartment.  That sounds like a missing persons case waiting to happen.  He started getting really pushy about it so I blocked him…and now here we are again a year later.


(May 22nd, 2012)   “***thinking to myself*** man this girl is so hot!! and i like her profile too, but she must hear this crap all the time on here & gets a million emails a day….so what should i say??? write something down, stupid!….

Ummmmmmm hi!! :D

awww man that sucked major ass!! why do i always say stupid stuff to beautiful women!!! i hope she likes my profile at least and writes me back!” ***crosses fingers***”

– Whoa.  This is the opening message he chose to entice women on the internet to converse with him?  I am embarrassed for anyone who does the inner dialogue/asterisk thing.  Are you a geeky 13 year old girl who likes The Sims and vampire movies?  Actually, judging by his riveting repartee, he might be.


(May 21, 2012)  “I see you work at a store lol.  Today I spent the whole day shoping with my mom in Bloom in soho it was so gay but she really appreciated my help lol. Shits exhausting :( should have gone to your store, then you could have seen me help my 60 year old mom pick out jeans ;) that would have turned you on j/k lol. When are your days off?”

-Yeah, because spending time with your mother is totally gay.  People actually still say that?  This guy claims to be 28, but judging by his overuse of “lol” and emoticons as well as the “gay” thing, I estimate his social skills to be functioning at a seventh grade level.  He should be friends with the asterisk guy…but that might be too “gay.”


(May 19th, 2012)

“Hello sweet lady.

My name is Matis Papadoupoulous , i am from Greece and i am inderst on you.

After i have read your profile and see your photo i can not go nower without even try to contact with you.

If you are looking for a sereusly person, to ofer you respect, fun, good momends, nice time and free vacations in Greece becouse summer is in next door then… contact with me…

I like you.

Best regards, Matis”

– This is my favorite message I have ever received on OKCupid.  I became further obsessed with this 46 year old man when I looked at his profile pictures.  He is in an inviting lounge position in each one- on a car, by a pool, on his desk…and always with one knee up, accenting the crotch.  The best one is of him in a pair of tighty-whities, lounging spread eagle on someone’s fireplace, with the caption “I just waik.”  AMAZING.

Oh No He Di’int!

18 May

Beware, New Yorkers…there is a 40 year old Argentinean artist who preys on unsuspecting young women on the loose!

His initial pick-up line was: “I am an artist and any relationship of any type for me goes first through images. I am working on a project invovling pictures of women smoking –especially if they are tall. Would like to take yours. Not only I consume art, am consumed by it, but also I frequently exibit mine and write about other people’s. I believe that posesivness is a negative trait. Everything else can be everything else.”  After including this message in one of my “Suitors of the Week” posts, another blogger contacted me saying that she had received the exact same proposition from this guy.

I initially ignored him because he sounded totally creepy, but the next night (after a few glasses of wine) I decided to respond to his inane message.  I gathered that he had a kid, was pretty short, had a crooked nose, and looked older than he claimed he was.  Then came the best part of all: the artistic piece he was most known for was one where he dipped his balls in oil paint and placed them on different prints.  My favorite was one where Picasso’s face was obscured by bright red testicle globs.  He expressed frustration that it was the only thing people associated him with (duh), and that his agent kept pestering him to do it again.  Unfortunately, he could not recreate it even if he wanted to because he had developed a severe rash the first time around.  He said his next project was going to be even better and would involve a bunch of pictures of random girls wearing lipstick and smoking cigarettes.  How original.  He asked if he could photograph me and reiterated that he needed me to be wearing red lipstick when we met.  As sketchy as he seemed, I was willing to donate an hour of my time to this weirdo to get some good material.  How could I not?

We agreed to meet at Cafe Select in SoHo two nights ago at 9pm for drinks and a couple “test shots.”  I had come from work and was a few minutes early, so I checked the OKCupid application on my phone.  One of the good (and bad) things about OKCupid is that you can see exactly when someone looked at your profile.  The artist logged on and checked my profile precisely five minutes before he was due to meet me.  Several minutes later, I saw him walking down Lafayette towards me.  I looked away to put my phone in my bag and when I looked up again he was glancing at me sideways as he walked briskly past.  What the hell?  I considered that maybe I was mistaken and it was somebody else…but no, he had a very recognizable face and it was definitely him.  I waited until he rounded the corner before texting him “I’m here.  Where are you?”  At 9:20 he texted me “Sorry, got stuck in the studio with a last minute thing.  Will contact you to reschedule.”  Now, I know I labeled him as a major creep to begin with…but still, he stood me up!  You’re a 40 year old father and you make me walk all the way over to SoHo after working all day just to waste my time?  Oh no he di’int.  I texted him back “Thanks for the advance warning.  And I could’ve sworn I just saw you walk by.”  He wrote back “Must’ve been my doppelganger, I’ve been in my studio the whole time.”  I wanted to point out the fact that he had been creeping on my OKCupid profile twenty-five minutes earlier, yet didn’t text me to say he couldn’t make it until twenty minutes AFTER we were supposed to meet and I texted him.  But I left it alone.  For the moment.

When I got home, I created another OKCupid account with my alternate email address.  Oh yes I did!  I googled “random brunette chick” and used some pictures that weren’t even all of the same person.  I filled out the profile with some nonsense about how I loved “Sex and the City,” roller coasters, and getting my picture taken.  I then clicked on the artist’s profile knowing that he would see I looked and scope out my profile.  He took the bait and, sure enough, I woke up the next morning to the same exact pick up line he had used on me before.  “Chelsea” casually set up a time with him for drinks that afternoon and he told her (me) that red lipstick was imperative.  “See you at 3pm.  Looking forward to it!”  I/Chelsea wrote him in confirmation.  Three o’clock rolled around and I was at home, lounging merrily on my couch, eating avocados in my unmentionables.  An hour later, I logged onto my fake account to find a message from the artist:  “What the fuck?!  You stood me up!”  Part of me wanted to write back “How does it feel, you arrogant little man?”  But the incidents were less than 24 hours apart, so if he didn’t get the message, he is one dense 40 year old.

I don’t care how many things you painted with your ballsack, standing people up is rude.  I have never stood anyone up (well until now I suppose) and I have sat through dates with some real oddballs.  I’ll admit I did feel a little bit guilty for stooping to his level.  Especially after an image popped into my head of a little kid walking in on his father squatting pantless over a paint tray and saying “Daddy, why do you dip your balls in paint and put them on things?”

What a mess.

Suitors of the Week 3

17 May

The website makes no attempt to hide the fact that the bar is set pretty low…it is called “OKCupid” after all, not “PerfectCupid” or even “AboveAverageCupid.”  This explains why I am a 95% match with someone who answered the “What’s the First Thing People Notice About You?” question with “ThAt My PeNiS iS oUt LoL.”  I have done a few posts highlighting some of the absurd pick-up lines I receive in my inbox.  This week, I decided to have a little fun.  Here are my conversations with six different guys who contacted me.  I hope this post doesn’t prevent me from getting hired in the future like my dad always warns…But I went to graduate school for theatre, so I’m pretty sure I crossed that bridge long ago.

May 13, 2012 – 11:03pm

HIM:  Hey, I’m Trevor.  In the event that you’d like to talk, I can be reached by smoke signals or carrier pigeon, though I prefer carrier pigeon because I’m attempting to go green.

ME:  I think I love you.

HIM:  Whoaaaa too early.  You just scared me off.

ME:  Yeah right.

HIM:  You’re right.  I love you, too.  Let’s get married.

ME:  Ok, I have a dowry.

HIM:  It better be a cow.  If it is, consider us betrothed.  So, what are you doing at the moment?

ME:  Having a sensual lounge session watching 48 Hours Hard Evidence in the nude.

HIM:  Light some scented candles and lay some rose petals around and you’ve just described my evening as well.

ME:  We are meant to be.

HIM:  I’m searching for a freshly poured sidewalk to write our name in as we speak.  Have you ever seen a ghost?  Did it catch you watching TV naked?

ME:  They always watch me when I’m nude.  Especially when I’m writing checks or eating muesli.

HIM:  You just hit on my biggest turn on: muesli.


May 14, 2012 – 1:06am

HIM:  Howdy, want to have some online naughty fun?  What are you wearing?

ME:  Slacks and an argyle vest over a beige dickie.  You?

HIM:  I’m wearing basketball shorts and nothing else ;)  What are you doing?

ME:  I’m perusing an article about fishing rods whilst touching my bunions.

HIM:  Um, are you for real?


May 16, 2012 – 1:28pm

HIM:  A haiku for you:

Glass of water; half empty

Also, half full

Same thing when drinking.

ME:  A haiku for you:

Backdoor gerbil jaunt

Round and round and up and down

On your anal wheel


May 16, 2012 – 11:38pm

HIM:  Wow, u seem like actually a cool person for once!  And I totally wanna make out with ur profile picture!

ME:  Thank u!  OMG u look just like Verne Troyer!


May 17, 2012 – 12:32am

HIM:  What shocking modesty and sweeping eloquence apparently indicative of a fascinatingly eclectic persona… And what did you dream about last Saturday by the way?

ME:  Last Saturday? Hmm, let me think.  Ah, it was a dream involving burly loggers aboard a cramped raft, being jostled closer and closer to one another by the restless current of the great whitewaters.  I was in the center of the raft, blanketed by their cascading beards.

HIM:  Ah, that sounds quite authentic and detailed indeed :) … And what are your seven favorite orchestral pieces?


May 17, 2012 – 2:40pm

HIM:  Hi, so I am 42 year old Spanish man, 5’9 tall, and 180 lbs with a fit body, black hair, brown eyes, and looking for friend to have a long or short free spirit casual sex relationship.

ME:  Yeah ok.  What’s nuevo?

HIM:  LOL…. Nothing just chilling and you?  Tienes algo nuevo?

ME:  Practicando mi espanol.  Pero estoy muy malo lololol!!!!!!!

HIM:  Creo que tu espanol esta muy bueno. Quieres conocerme en persona? ;)

ME:  Si, cuando la luna esta llena y usted es una mujer.

HIM:  Adios.

Tiny Tim

15 May

From the beginning, I was skeptical of “Tim’s” interest in the female sex.  He was a vegan who wore women’s skinny jeans and fashion scarves.  He was also quite petite– two of him could most likely fit in one of me.  And he did cleanses.  As my friend Stacy would say: “End of discussion!”  He displayed his abundant collection of designer jeans on hooks in his room like works of art.  His bedroom had no windows, so it was like being in a dark, depressing chamber of denim.  He was one of those guys who grew up in a loving upper middle-class family in the Midwest, yet loved to wallow in a self-generated pit of despair.  As “complicated” as he was, I have to give Tim credit for being a real pro at funny one-liners…which get me every time.

I met Tim through mutual friends, shortly after moving to New York.  A group of us went to an art exhibition at someone’s loft in Bushwick.  I had barely known Tim an hour before he was comparing his genitalia to the noses of various muppets.  He didn’t want to wait in line to use the bathroom behind a pack of drunk hipsters, so he peed outside in the street– and received a public urination ticket.  I was amused by this sardonic little man, but had a boyfriend at that point…and assumed Tim was most likely gay.

A couple months (and a break up) later, I ran into Tim at a bar where my friend was dj-ing.  We spoke briefly and then, to my surprise, he volunteered to accompany me to my next destination– a party at the Standard Hotel.  The next thing I know, we are drinking expensive champagne and he is holding my hand and kissing me all over the bar.  The next morning I awoke to find myself alone (and fully-clothed) in a strange bed, surrounded by jeans and guitars.  On my way out of the apartment, someone’s blurry body waved to me from the couch as I cringed and pretended not to speak English.

Tim and I hung out about once every few weeks.  He was in a band with my friend, so I ran into him frequently at bars around Williamsburg and Greenpoint.  He continued to pee in inappropriate places such as bathroom sinks, a bucket in a supply closet, as well as my friend’s kitty litter.  He was very stand-offish around me and barely made eye contact– until he was drunk.  Then he would go straight for the hand holding, we would make out for awhile and then take the bus (of all things) back to his apartment.  I never take the bus.  They seem very unreliable and you never know WHERE they’re going to go.  At least subway trains have to stay on their tracks.  Busses have the capability to take off into the distance and it could be days before they are found.

I never understood why Tim always wanted me to come back to his place with him because whenever things started to go beyond making out, he would abruptly curl up into a tight fetal position and go to sleep.  I’m no psychiatrist, but I would venture to take that as a red flag.  The last time we ever hung out, I went back to his apartment as usual.  He was petsitting for a friend and left to take the dog for a walk.  It seemed like he had been gone forever and I was bored… so I found some disposable razors in the bathroom and decided to seize the opportunity to do some light shaving in the sink.  Hey, why not?  Shaving can be a time-consuming activity and, at this moment, my schedule was wide open.  In my state, I guess I didn’t adequately rinse all the hairs down the drain.  Tim returned and came out from washing his hands wondering where the hair in his sink came from.  I said I had no idea and that they were probably his roommate’s beard hairs.  He responded that both of his roommates were girls.  Oh.  I didn’t think of that.

A few fetal positions later, he woke up the next morning concerned that he had left his favorite fashion scarf at the bar.  I woke up the next morning and texted my friend Rachael “Last night a dude called me out on shaving in his sink…told him it was someone’s beard.  All time low?”  She texted back: “Stop trying to be me.”

Suitors of the Week 2

11 May

It’s been awhile since I shared some gems from my inbox… so here are a few extra special messages I’ve received recently:

(May 2, 2012)    “This is obviously a long shot as I’m emphatically not looking for a romantic relationship at present, and, in any case, I actually do realize that I am too old for you (I’m 60). But I appreciate intelligent, younger woman, and our 90% match rate at least indicates compatibility on some level. So I’d appreciate it if you would read my profile and let me know if having someone like me available might give you more time for your sales career, or just for relaxing. Or if it perhaps might simply be an interesting age/gender experiment.” — Wait, I’m confused…what exactly is he offering?  I don’t need a personal assistant and I am certainly not interested in conducting any sort of  experiment that undoubtedly would require me seeing someone naked who is old enough to be my father.


(April 30, 2012)     “I am an artist and any relationship of any type for me goes first through images. I am working on a project invovling pictures of women smoking –especially if they are tall. Would like to take yours. Not only I consume art, am consumed by it, but also I frequently exibit mine and write about other people’s. I believe that posesivness is a negative trait. Everything else can be everything else.” — First of all, put down the doobie and get a life.  Second of all, I would hate to read anything written by this person about art, considering a simple spellcheck is evidently beyond his comprehension.  “Everything else can be everything else”?  I want to throw expired cold cuts at his face.


(April 23, 2012)     “Hello, I am a massage therapist that works in Manhattan.  Would you be interested in coming over so I can treat you to a full-body massage?  I see it as a unique and beneficial way of introducing myself.  I promise you’ll love it ; )” — Whoa.  I can’t help but wonder if anyone he’s sent this to has actually taken him up on his offer.  Maybe I’m jaded, but going to a stranger’s apartment for a massage sounds like the subject of an episode of 48 Hours.  I felt like I needed to take a shower after reading this.


(April 2, 2012)  HIM:  “Hey there, How are you? Just wanted to say cool profile, and to see if you wanted to talk on the phone & go out for dinner some night? P.S. great pics by the way : )”

(April 3, 2012)  ME:  “I don’t like talking on the phone.  Sorry.”

(April 3, 2012)  HIM:  “Text then?  My number is 917-817-**** : )”

(April 18, 2012)  HIM:  “Hey there, How are you? Just wanted to say cool profile, and to see if you wanted to talk on the phone & go out for drinks/dinner some night? P.S. great pics by the way : )”

(April 18, 2012)  ME:  “Hi you messaged me the same thing a couple weeks ago. What’s up.”

(April 18, 2012)  HIM:  “I like your profile and pics… We should definitely go out some night, I’m sure we would have a great time : )  Would you like to talk on the phone?”

(April 19, 1012)  ME:  “Wow deja vu. As I told you before, I don’t like talking on the phone.”

(April 19, 2012)  HIM:  “Ok, lets text then : ) How’s everything going?   My number is 917-817-****.”

(April 24, 2012)  HIM:   “Hey there : ) Shoot me a text later…. 917-817-****”

(April 30, 2012)  HIM:  “When are we going to text sexy? : )”

(May 1, 2012)  HIM:  “Lets make a plan to hang out sexy”

— What is with this guy and talking on the phone?!  He was in his 40s and looked like Ross from “Friends” mixed with a big ol’ baked potato.  If I didn’t text or call you after the first 89 times you gave me your number, maybe you should get the hint.  I’m sure this is not the last I’ll hear from him…

Jorgen Jorgenssen

10 May

Scrolling through my Facebook roster can be exhausting!  So many people my age are getting married, buying a house, having their second baby, etc.  Every once in awhile, it’s reassuring to hear that I’m not alone in my pilgrimage.  In fact, some of my single friends have even more dramatic happenings in their love lives than I do.  For example, I have never drank anyone’s blood or pooped in someone’s back yard after having a one-night stand with them.  I’m not dating a lawyer, a boy band member, a witch, or a 55 year old with purple hair.  However, while I can’t claim any of the aforementioned adventures as my own… I did go out with an angry Dutchman with a rampant tooth last night.

Jorgen and I had made plans to meet on two previous nights- the first time he canceled because he got carried away at a “rooftop jam session,” and the second time I canceled because I was too busy hiding from the world in a dark corner.  We finally coordinated our schedules and met at a German bar in Williamsburg.  The first thing I noticed was his slight lisp.  If your tongue is upside-down and halfway to the other side your face when you say the word “peanuts”…Houston, we have a problem.  My second observation was his barren valley of exposed chest and how there was not a hair to be found.  It was as smooth as a baby’s bottom, as they say.

What was strange was that he told me he had moved to the U.S. from Amsterdam only three years prior- yet he had no trace of any accent whatsoever.  What was even more odd was how he continuously reminded me that he didn’t understand measurements in terms of feet or fahrenheit because he was foreign.  I’m sorry, if you have lived in America for three years, you know how many inches are in a foot.

After he glanced at the extensive beer menu only to pull a “I’ll have what she’s having,” we struck up a good old-fashioned conversation.  He loved Brian Wilson, hated fish tacos (what?!), had left Amsterdam to become a musician, and spoke fluent Dutch and German.  I told him I know how to say “sperm” and “more gummy bears please” in German, but he was unimpressed.  He made fun of my tattoo, then looked through my Instagram photos and told me something I had cooked looked “growth.”  We then moved on to the topic of OkCupid.  Apparently I was only his second date.  He asked if I’d had any really bad dates and I touched briefly on the one where the guy took me to dinner, cried over his ex, then forced me to eat tiramisu while he told me I wasn’t his type.  Jorgen’s response was “Wow, I hope he paid!”  This exclamation was perplexing considering Jorgen did not offer to buy me a single drink at the first bar AND I had to cover half of his tab at the second bar.  I don’t mind paying for myself, but I did mind footing the bill for his blue raspberry jello shots.  And yes, I went to a second bar with him… but only because I wanted to hang out with the middle-aged Polish alcoholics in Greenpoint.

I think we brought the average age at the second bar down to 56 upon entering.  Everyone there was speaking Polish and (same as my first visit) someone was napping at the end of the bar.  Jorgen’s phone rang and it occurred to me that this was the third call he had taken during our brief time together.  I had sent a quick text earlier to my sister, but three phone conversations?  Come on, bro.  After he hung up, he informed me “that’s what Dutch sounds like” and then told me he was giving me a free pass to ask him any three questions I wanted.  I asked him if he’d ever enjoyed the company of a man, which began a twenty minute conversation about bisexuality and whether or not it really exists.  Our debate (and presumably the jello shots) got him all fired up and he retired to the mens room.  While he was gone, a big jolly redhead saddled up at the bar and started talking to me about loin cloths.  Jorgen returned and was visibly perturbed that I was talking to someone else.  I asked him about his take on loin cloths to which he retorted “I’m foreign, what do you care?”  He announced he was going to put some songs on the jukebox and asked what I wanted to hear, so I requested Polish disco.  He couldn’t figure out how to work the jukebox and, to my surprise, the jolly red giant got up and showed him how it was done.  This perturbed him further.  They then took turns trying to find the “better” songs and I realized I had initiated a full-blown Polish disco duel.  I had to get out of there, so I told Jorgen I wanted to go to bed.  He left the bar with me after telling the bartender he thought we had already paid our tab (which we clearly hadn’t.)  He only had a ten, so I paid the rest of the bill as the red-headed man rolled his eyes.  Outside, I gave him a friendly pat goodbye and he disappeared into the abyss of McCarren Park.

I mean come on, who doesn’t like fish tacos?!