Sam the Sailor

6 Feb

“Sam” initially contacted me with the message “Ahoy, I like the cut of your jib.  My apologies if you’re offended by sailing metaphors.”  He looked cute in his picture so I read through his profile.  He was a musician and in the “About Me” section he described himself by saying “I’m a huge slob who dresses like he’s fifteen.”  Sold.

I met him for the first time at my favorite bar in the West Village, which one of my best friends works at.  We do this thing where as I’m walking over from work, I text the guy to let me know that he’s there and where he’s sitting.  I then text Stacy and ask her to scope out the situation and report back to me if he’s acceptable or not.  Cheating, I know.  She located Sam sitting near the bar and texted me that he looked like a young Patrick Swayze.  Stacy named her cat Catrick Swayze in honor of the late actor, so I took her description as a green light and entered the bar.  He was even more attractive in person, with a floppy blonde mohawk and bright blue eyes.  My “type” has always been dark-haired guys, but lately I have been expanding my horizons.

Sam was very easy to talk to and it didn’t feel like we were on a date, which was nice.  He had a dark, sarcastic sense of humor and used the word “buffoon” a lot.  He was a film school drop-out from Cape Cod (damn, another Masshole), lived in Brooklyn, and played drums in an indie-rock band.  He admitted to me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship and had used the website in the past just to hook up with girls.

I began to notice that he kept touching the bar.  First with one hand, then the other, followed by a quick glance at both of his palms.  It struck me as odd, but he was cute and fun so I didn’t think anything of it.

We stayed at the bar until Stacy got off and then went to another spot back in Brooklyn.  He came home with me that night for what would have been my first sensual encounter with an OKCupid date.  As it turned out, too many pickle-back shots inhibited the raising of the mast on that sailboat.

The next time we hung out, I realized that what I had noticed him doing with his hands before was much more prominent.  It became clear that the more intoxicated he got, the more he touched the bar and looked at his palms.  I asked him if he has OCD and he said “I don’t HAVE to look at my palms, but if there’s a delicious sandwich right in front of you, why not take a bite?”  I considered this analogy and concluded that it could be worse…at least he was only looking at his palms, not eating them.

A week or two later, I took my roommate to his band’s show at Union Hall.  My roommate has been known to get a little rowdy and try to embarrass me in front of guys.  One time in college, she pulled my pants down, underwear and all, in front of my whole theatre class and a few of my professors.  In between each of the songs at Sam’s band’s show, she kept shouting “OH MY GOD, THE DRUMMER IS SO HOT!” at the top of her lungs as I hid behind my pizza slice.  After the show, she cornered him while I was in the bathroom and told him that although he wasn’t feeling well, he had no choice but to come home with me.  I found this out later.

A similar scenario to the first time he came over occurred and I kicked him out in the wee hours of the morning after he littered on my property.  When I woke up, I had a text from him that read “I don’t know why I’m wearing pants and no underwear, my apologies for whatever that means.”  That was the last time we saw each other.

I never found his panties and have since moved out of that apartment, so they remain at large.



2 Responses to “Sam the Sailor”


  1. Thanks for the Franks « What's in the Box? - October 2, 2012

    […] 2)  The man-whores who are only on the website to find people to have sex with such as Michael, Jimmy, and Sam […]

  2. Where Are They Now? « What's in the Box? - December 26, 2012

    […] couldn’t be reached on whether or not the floral flip flops are still in the picture. Sam the Sailor – Sam was one of the first people I met on OKCupid and we have hung out many times since […]

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