Brett Makes Art

3 Feb

Last month, I agreed to a blind date at Bacaro, an Italian restaurant in the Lower East Side.  I was nervous because I had only met people from the website for drinks, never dinner.  To make matters worse, all of the online reviews illustrated what a romantic date spot Bacaro is.  A romantic dinner with a complete stranger and I was wearing a gigantic unflattering turquoise sweater?  Disaster.  To calm my nerves, I had a glass of wine after work with a sympathetic coworker prior to meeting my date.  Upon finding the restaurant, the guy (we’ll call him “Brett”) immediately looked me up and down and I could tell he was unimpressed by my slight tardiness.  He looked older than thirty-five but had a fetal face, was skinny and pale, and I noticed his hairline had receded a bit further since his profile picture was taken.  He led me down some steps to a dimly lit lower level, explaining to me that he had a “usual table.”  The ambiance was, in fact, very romantic…the date was far from it.

It didn’t take long for me to glean that he was lacking in the personality department.  He seemed to take himself very seriously and I don’t recall him laughing or smiling once.  When I asked him what he did for a living, he answered abruptly with “I make art.”  Rather than explaining what that broad claim entailed, he began asking me questions in a manner that made me feel like I was at a job interview.  I could tell by his face whether or not I answered his questions “correctly”.  He winced when I told him I wasn’t using the website to find a serious relationship and said “Why do you go on dates then, to blog about them?”  I was caught off guard by this preposterous accusation and feigned shock, retorting “No, of course not!”  I assumed that was as close as he was going to get to making a joke.

When I reversed the interrogation, he instantly brought up his ex girlfriend who had moved to Germany.  I asked him how long ago that was and he said “August… well actually November… last month.”  He was getting a bit misty-eyed and for a moment I thought he was going to start crying at the table (most likely the same table he used to sit at with his ex).  This guy had been single for less than a month and was clearly desperate for a rebound.

I had the squid ink pasta, which was very enjoyable.  He managed a half-smile when I ordered, telling me his ex used to love that dish and would always get the black ink sauce all over her face.  Uhh…cute?  Following my pasta and a carafe or two of wine, I was ready to go, but he insisted on splitting a dessert.  The second the tiramisu hit the table, he announced that he wanted to hang out with me again– but just as friends, because the “chemistry wasn’t there.”  I was planning on not hanging out with him again period, but wasn’t going to hold a conference about it.  He felt the need to explain further, saying that I was too tall for him.  His ex girlfriend had been much shorter and thinner, so he was looking for “someone closer to her size.”  I put down my fork and considered how many calories I had just consumed.  He went on to report that I was too young and immature for him and, in his opinion, I need to speak from my diaphragm more.  Who are you, my graduate school acting coach?!  Last time I checked, you “make art.”  I’ve been vocally trained since I was a kid and you are critiquing my speaking voice?  I refrained from telling him to fuck off, reminding myself that he was picking up the bill, which was not cheap.

Although I asked him not to, he walked me to the train, apologizing profusely the whole time and reiterating his desire to hang out again.  I thanked him for dinner and got on the train.  On the way home, I decided I was more bewildered than offended.  I didn’t lie about my height, body type, age, or job on OkCupid, so he had known all of my stats prior to meeting me.  Maybe he was feeling burned by his recent break-up and was taking it out on all girls who weren’t his ex.  Or maybe he is just such an awful guy, his ex girlfriend had to move to Germany to escape him.

Good luck with that, Brett.


4 Responses to “Brett Makes Art”

  1. Shannon sutherland February 3, 2012 at 2:14 pm #

    Luv it…… What a fetus face lol

  2. WhatsInTheBoxBlog April 28, 2013 at 10:08 am #

    Reblogged this on What's in the Box? and commented:

    Here is a reblog of one of my posts from February 2012. This is one of my favorite bad dates.

  3. It’s not my first time to go to see this website, i am browsing this site dailly and get good facts from here everyday.


  1. Thanks for the Franks « What's in the Box? - October 2, 2012

    […] a serious relationship and are only looking for a rebound to get over their ex-girlfriend such as Brett, Jazz Shoe Man, Steve, and the guy I’m about to tell you […]

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