Suitors of the Week

24 Jan

I receive around ten messages from new guys in my inbox per week.  Some I will answer, some I delete, and a few are so outlandish that I have to write them down because I can’t believe anyone would actually use them.  You can tell in many cases that the person sending them copy/pastes the same “line” to multiple girls.  I never respond to anyone that sends me a generic pick up line.  I also don’t respond to thespians or midgets.  Here are some of the horrendous messages I’ve received throughout the past few weeks.  Enjoy.

1.  “Hey, how was your weekend?  Mine was great!  I ended up getting a haircut from my favorite stylist and by the end of it we were both weeping due to an emotional conversation about Thornton Wilder plays.” – Thespian whose profile picture is him in a tight pretzel position, grinning, and wearing lady pants.  I nearly had an asthma attack upon viewing this photo and immediately set it as the desktop on the computer at my job.

2.  “Can I fill your void?  Is it a deal killer if I’m looking for sex sooner rather than later?  If not, send me a picture of your legs.”  – 46 year old man who is wearing sweaty spandex during a marathon in his first picture, wearing sweaty spandex in a bike race in the second, and wearing a fanny pack and dad shorts in a cave in Egypt in the third.  As if when he’s not being totally athletic, he’s being totally worldly and spelunking.  Note: you can see the full blown contours of his penis in the first picture.

3.  “Are you sure you won’t consider dating someone more vertically challenged?” – 5’6” man.  Yes.  I don’t want to have to give you a boost to reach the handrail on the subway.  Must be at least 71 inches to ride.

4.  “I’d like to take you to coffee and then maybe some bowling afterwards if you’re up for it.” (As if I just got out of the hospital) – 38 year old Mario lookalike who makes less than $10,000 a year.  I’m no snob about money, but how do you live in NYC on that?!

5.  “Hi you are way out of my league but maybe we can be besties?!  I’m great at errands and stuff.  Wait never mind how embarrassing. Oh god can I just paypal you?” – This Asian lad sent me this same exact message not one, but THREE times.  Has this actually worked for him with girls?  Because I blocked him.

6.  “Hi, Soooo… Random question: Whats the worst thing you’ve ever tasted? For me it was Alpo dog food. I was nine and in my nine year old boy brain thought ‘hey if it’s good enough for my dog it’s good enough for me.’ LOL it was gross.  Your turn.” – This fool also sent me this template message twice.  And I think he had clear braces.

7.  “Howdy, Mama Doodle Doo.” – I really don’t think I need to comment on this.

8.  “Are you busy right now?  Come over.”  – A 40-something man in a performance fleece posed awkwardly with one loafer in the ocean.  He is 0% my match.

9.  “Hey I’m vibing your energy flow, seems like we could really enjoy each other.  Want to tell me a joke that crosses the ‘line’?” – This person’s screen name was MoonBandit69 which makes it so much better.

10.  “I have the wit of a thousand Englishmen and was prom king at my high school.  Are you curious about making out with a married man and/or his wife?” – Dracula’s doppelganger

11.  “A great philosopher once said there’s a fine line between clever and stupid. No wait, that was the guitarist from Spinal Tap.  Anyway, the same could probably also be said of persistence. Surprising one’s ex at the airport, for instance, is adorable in a romantic comedy but downright creepy in real life (and cause for a 911 call in a thriller).”  – Ummm… WHAT?  Maybe the worst paragraph I’ve ever had the misfortune of reading in my life.

12.  “Wine lover, I see.  Ever tried a sensual Malbec?  I know a cute little wine bar in the Lower East Side that will blow your mind.”  – Man who appears to be made of wax and has bigger boobs than me.  In his picture, he is posed in front of the Washington Monument, popping a knee in a Steve Madden dress shoe and man flare.  This guy also made the desktop wallpaper at work.

I’m pretty selective about who I respond to, which is good for my safety, but unfortunate for my blog content.  My stories would surely be much more entertaining if I entertained any of the above fellows for a night.  But then I would need years of therapy which is expensive.

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