Large Breathing Object

16 Jan

The following is a message exchange between myself and a 45 year old man.  As if his statements, use of quotations, and typed-out cat sounds aren’t baffling enough… his profile picture only added to my confusion.  He appears to be an older man with huge orange mutton chops, a peculiar bowler hat, and a disturbingly phallic nose.  I came to the conclusion that either English is not his first language and he hails from a far away land where lines like these actually work on girls…or he recently escaped from a mental institution.  I almost blocked him, but luckily stuck it out long enough to strike gold with his theory of the sexual tendencies of penguins.  I can’t bring myself to meet him in person because I value my life and don’t want to get murdered.

HIM:  r we having fun tonight? i mean girl look at urself… how can that beauty be without man’s touch… volcanic kiss… fire in and out… i can’t let be that way……. mrrrrrrrreeooow …. i wanna scratch your back…. come to my place bb….. let’s have fun… mmmmmmmmmrrrrrrrr is the sound of the kitty

ME:  Well you certainly have a sensual grasp on the English language.  And that sleeveless Old Navy tee?  Damn son.

HIM:  don’t change “subject” bb…. mmm so delicious… i want you like all nite bb bcs ure sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sexy….. mmmmmm rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeoowwww

ME:  Ahh, but how do you know?  I could be big and smelly in person.  It’s always a roll of the dice on the interweb, my friend.

HIM:  that “thing” in men’s pants get big when there’s “positive” vibe …. otherwise that “thing” gets as small as ping pong ball :)))))) so it’s up to you bb … wanna talk about smelly things?  go ahead… but i’ll pass…. wanna have some volcanic with “large breathing object”? :)))) come to my place… honestly i desire you a lottttt but “smelly” talk turns me off ….. it’s like ice on my large boy ….. nooooooooo good bb.

ME:  Where do you live, Romeo.

HIM:  in a STUDIO…. small place with lots of gadgets and me :)))))) take the f,d,q,n  train 5 min walk… whatever makes sense to you bb… i really want to kiss you… your lips are magical,,,,,  :)))))  mmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeoooowwwwwwww.   don’t talk….. just be yourself … let me “handle” all other “things”  mrrrrrrrrrrr

ME:  Will you be wearing a do-rag?  Because they really crank my gears.

HIM:  what you gonna wear bb?  you know what…. come naked just wear coat.  so i’ll be able to touch you in my hallway with my strong arms… oooohhhhhhh mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmrrrreeeeeowwwww

ME:  Oh my…

HIM:  i wonder if male penguin uses any “words/warnings” for female penguin before “performing” intercourse or he just jumps on her out of blue ? do you think it’s possible that actually female penguin jumps without any “words/warnings” on male penguin ? i mean .. wow .. even they are having fun out there , hmmm in that freaking cold … wow :)))))))

2 Responses to “Large Breathing Object”

  1. Matt November 30, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

    Sweet fucking Jesus. You sound exactly like me… only with tits. I actually feed the Internet crazies out of amusement as well because I’m out of normal people to date where I live. I got linked over to your site somehow and read some of your newer stuff so now I’m just gonna start from the beginning.

    • WhatsInTheBoxBlog December 1, 2012 at 10:11 am #

      Thanks for reading!! Well, if you’re out of people to date wherever you are you can always come to NYC. We never run out here.

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