Archive | January, 2012

What’s in the Bento Box?

26 Jan

The other day, I decided it was in my best interest to indulge in some sushi on my lunch break.  I chose a quiet, dark Japanese restaurant in hope that the impending hour would be both relaxing and highly satisfactory.  The sushi was lovely.  The raucous individual that sat at the table next to me was obnoxious, to say the least.

He was with a cute Asian girl and it was obviously their first date.  I knew he was trouble the moment they sat down when he began talking loudly about how important he is to his company.  His voice was that of a pocket-sized diabolical wizard, mixed with a nasal-y cartoon character, mixed with nails on a chalkboard.  I paused mid-chopstick lift to shoot him a sideways glare, to which he responded with a smirk and “Let me know if I’m being too loud, honey.”

Upon getting a closer look, he did not appear at all as I had assumed he would based on his irritating voice.  He was medium height, with short hair, casual office attire…and an extra helping of thighs.  He reminded me physically of this boy I dated for a few weeks in high school after we met singing in a religious operetta.  We used to incessantly instant message back and forth (as kids did back then) and I was always turned off by his screen name: RandomThoughts44.  I ended it after he wore one too many pairs of khakis and bought me a plush goat for Valentine’s Day.  He retaliated a week later by hooking up with my best friend, which I then countered by creating the Instant Messenger screen name RandomThighs44.  I remember my mom tried to yell at me for being a brat, but kept laughing in spite of herself because, come on, it’s funny.  That was over ten years ago and I still have not heard from him since.

Anyway, back to the sushi place.  After barraging his date with remarks about how he likes to use made up words when ordering in Asian restaurants to confuse the servers, he laughed hysterically at himself for entirely too long.  The server came to take their order and when the girl wasn’t ready, the guy said to her “I know I’m irresistible, but you’re going to have to stop looking at me and start looking at the menu.”  He then turned to the waitress and said “I’M always ready.  I’m gonna speak real slow for you…Are YOU ready?”  He ordered like seventeen rolls and ended with “Mazel tov.”  This guy was a real comedian.  I requested my check and gathered my belongings.  As I was signing the bill, I overheard him tell his date “I’d be getting a lot more wild right now if I weren’t donating blood tomorrow.  We’ve had a lot of false positives.  Gotta do it right!”  He then proceeded to enlighten her as to why he is exactly what she needs in her life.  I made it halfway to the door before I was stopped by him barking at me “So, was it good for you?”  I squinted my eyes into a fake smile and booked it back to work.

I barely heard the girl this idiot was on a date with say one word the entire time because he never stopped talking.  It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who has bad luck with dating.  I hope she dumped him and his cocky thighs.


Suitors of the Week

24 Jan

I receive around ten messages from new guys in my inbox per week.  Some I will answer, some I delete, and a few are so outlandish that I have to write them down because I can’t believe anyone would actually use them.  You can tell in many cases that the person sending them copy/pastes the same “line” to multiple girls.  I never respond to anyone that sends me a generic pick up line.  I also don’t respond to thespians or midgets.  Here are some of the horrendous messages I’ve received throughout the past few weeks.  Enjoy.

1.  “Hey, how was your weekend?  Mine was great!  I ended up getting a haircut from my favorite stylist and by the end of it we were both weeping due to an emotional conversation about Thornton Wilder plays.” – Thespian whose profile picture is him in a tight pretzel position, grinning, and wearing lady pants.  I nearly had an asthma attack upon viewing this photo and immediately set it as the desktop on the computer at my job.

2.  “Can I fill your void?  Is it a deal killer if I’m looking for sex sooner rather than later?  If not, send me a picture of your legs.”  – 46 year old man who is wearing sweaty spandex during a marathon in his first picture, wearing sweaty spandex in a bike race in the second, and wearing a fanny pack and dad shorts in a cave in Egypt in the third.  As if when he’s not being totally athletic, he’s being totally worldly and spelunking.  Note: you can see the full blown contours of his penis in the first picture.

3.  “Are you sure you won’t consider dating someone more vertically challenged?” – 5’6” man.  Yes.  I don’t want to have to give you a boost to reach the handrail on the subway.  Must be at least 71 inches to ride.

4.  “I’d like to take you to coffee and then maybe some bowling afterwards if you’re up for it.” (As if I just got out of the hospital) – 38 year old Mario lookalike who makes less than $10,000 a year.  I’m no snob about money, but how do you live in NYC on that?!

5.  “Hi you are way out of my league but maybe we can be besties?!  I’m great at errands and stuff.  Wait never mind how embarrassing. Oh god can I just paypal you?” – This Asian lad sent me this same exact message not one, but THREE times.  Has this actually worked for him with girls?  Because I blocked him.

6.  “Hi, Soooo… Random question: Whats the worst thing you’ve ever tasted? For me it was Alpo dog food. I was nine and in my nine year old boy brain thought ‘hey if it’s good enough for my dog it’s good enough for me.’ LOL it was gross.  Your turn.” – This fool also sent me this template message twice.  And I think he had clear braces.

7.  “Howdy, Mama Doodle Doo.” – I really don’t think I need to comment on this.

8.  “Are you busy right now?  Come over.”  – A 40-something man in a performance fleece posed awkwardly with one loafer in the ocean.  He is 0% my match.

9.  “Hey I’m vibing your energy flow, seems like we could really enjoy each other.  Want to tell me a joke that crosses the ‘line’?” – This person’s screen name was MoonBandit69 which makes it so much better.

10.  “I have the wit of a thousand Englishmen and was prom king at my high school.  Are you curious about making out with a married man and/or his wife?” – Dracula’s doppelganger

11.  “A great philosopher once said there’s a fine line between clever and stupid. No wait, that was the guitarist from Spinal Tap.  Anyway, the same could probably also be said of persistence. Surprising one’s ex at the airport, for instance, is adorable in a romantic comedy but downright creepy in real life (and cause for a 911 call in a thriller).”  – Ummm… WHAT?  Maybe the worst paragraph I’ve ever had the misfortune of reading in my life.

12.  “Wine lover, I see.  Ever tried a sensual Malbec?  I know a cute little wine bar in the Lower East Side that will blow your mind.”  – Man who appears to be made of wax and has bigger boobs than me.  In his picture, he is posed in front of the Washington Monument, popping a knee in a Steve Madden dress shoe and man flare.  This guy also made the desktop wallpaper at work.

I’m pretty selective about who I respond to, which is good for my safety, but unfortunate for my blog content.  My stories would surely be much more entertaining if I entertained any of the above fellows for a night.  But then I would need years of therapy which is expensive.

Glen Fenn

22 Jan

A few weeks ago I went on a blind date with a garlicky Star Trek fan from Kentucky.  His profile picture was of him with an open-mouth beam, a tiara and a vest with a collage of cat faces on it.  Did I mention he had flaming orange hair?  Upon sitting down at a tiny dive bar in SoHo, he wasted no time in asking me what my favorite kind of dinosaur is.  He barely waited for my answer (the kind that lay polka dot eggs) before launching into a story about how he hates Dave Matthews Band, but used to listen to them in boarding school so girls would make out with him.  While he was recalling this memory, his voice cracked at an opportune moment.  When I complimented him on his impressive vest collection (he also boasted of having one covered in wolves) he simply stated “I don’t find the vests, the vests find me.”

Two beers later, I was listening in awe as Glen told me of his high school job at a cemetery where he cremated bodies.  He worked with a slew of dirty old men who would hide moving toys in with the bodies so that as they were going into the ovens, the younger workers would freak out and think they were still alive.  After my fourth beer on an empty stomach, I was having trouble following his eyes as they darted about the bar.  He also kept high-fiving me, which was wearing out my weary limbs.

Our final conversation consisted of him recommending the movie “Thankskilling” to me, in which the first scene apparently portrays a giant turkey yelling “Nice tits, bitch!” at an unsuspecting woman before he kills her.

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty rad date.  In our two hours together he had not only referred to William Shatner as “Bill,” but had made two, totally separate Grover Cleveland references.  Who knew there were still Grover Cleveland fans out there?

Large Breathing Object

16 Jan

The following is a message exchange between myself and a 45 year old man.  As if his statements, use of quotations, and typed-out cat sounds aren’t baffling enough… his profile picture only added to my confusion.  He appears to be an older man with huge orange mutton chops, a peculiar bowler hat, and a disturbingly phallic nose.  I came to the conclusion that either English is not his first language and he hails from a far away land where lines like these actually work on girls…or he recently escaped from a mental institution.  I almost blocked him, but luckily stuck it out long enough to strike gold with his theory of the sexual tendencies of penguins.  I can’t bring myself to meet him in person because I value my life and don’t want to get murdered.

HIM:  r we having fun tonight? i mean girl look at urself… how can that beauty be without man’s touch… volcanic kiss… fire in and out… i can’t let be that way……. mrrrrrrrreeooow …. i wanna scratch your back…. come to my place bb….. let’s have fun… mmmmmmmmmrrrrrrrr is the sound of the kitty

ME:  Well you certainly have a sensual grasp on the English language.  And that sleeveless Old Navy tee?  Damn son.

HIM:  don’t change “subject” bb…. mmm so delicious… i want you like all nite bb bcs ure sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sexy….. mmmmmm rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeoowwww

ME:  Ahh, but how do you know?  I could be big and smelly in person.  It’s always a roll of the dice on the interweb, my friend.

HIM:  that “thing” in men’s pants get big when there’s “positive” vibe …. otherwise that “thing” gets as small as ping pong ball :)))))) so it’s up to you bb … wanna talk about smelly things?  go ahead… but i’ll pass…. wanna have some volcanic with “large breathing object”? :)))) come to my place… honestly i desire you a lottttt but “smelly” talk turns me off ….. it’s like ice on my large boy ….. nooooooooo good bb.

ME:  Where do you live, Romeo.

HIM:  in a STUDIO…. small place with lots of gadgets and me :)))))) take the f,d,q,n  train 5 min walk… whatever makes sense to you bb… i really want to kiss you… your lips are magical,,,,,  :)))))  mmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeoooowwwwwwww.   don’t talk….. just be yourself … let me “handle” all other “things”  mrrrrrrrrrrr

ME:  Will you be wearing a do-rag?  Because they really crank my gears.

HIM:  what you gonna wear bb?  you know what…. come naked just wear coat.  so i’ll be able to touch you in my hallway with my strong arms… oooohhhhhhh mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmrrrreeeeeowwwww

ME:  Oh my…

HIM:  i wonder if male penguin uses any “words/warnings” for female penguin before “performing” intercourse or he just jumps on her out of blue ? do you think it’s possible that actually female penguin jumps without any “words/warnings” on male penguin ? i mean .. wow .. even they are having fun out there , hmmm in that freaking cold … wow :)))))))

A Sleepy Situation

12 Jan

Last night, after a long day at work, I was feeling zesty so I decided to meet a guy from the website for drinks.  Despite the fact that he had a nicer shaped head than I anticipated (it looked a little like someone had taken an ice cream scoop to it in his picture), my enthusiasm soon gave way to wine-induced drowsiness.  I sat and listened to him talk about basketball and how many brothers he has for a fair amount of time before calling it quits.  He followed me all the way home in the rain even though I told him I was tired.  Once home, I went to bed and left him in the living room with my roommate.  If he was a murderer, it was her problem now; that’s what she gets for watching “The Big Bang Theory.”

Woke up this morning to find my roommate was still alive, we hadn’t been burglarized, and I got a full eight hours, so it was a success all around.  I can’t remember his name but I think it was either Edamame or Egg.

Lisa Frank Nightmare

4 Jan

Have you ever found yourself crouched in a dark room, surrounded by empty iguana tanks, wind-up circus figurines and paper doll cutouts of the Clinton administration?  Dizzy from whiskey and irony, you pull yourself back up to standing with a little help from a pool table.  Three life-size plush tigers loom in the distance, curled up with a box of Wheat Thins by a gigantic fire place.  As you smoke on the balcony where scribbles of your youth cover the bricks, rockets are being shot off below and you wonder how you get yourself into these situations.  Nearly slipping on the way out, you look down to discover heaps of glitter blanketing the staircase.  Now fighting back equal surges of tears and laughter, the plus side of it all becomes clear: thanks to him you know that the Wiggles travel around followed by truckloads of wiggly merchandise to sell at their shows.

This scenario is totally normal for women in their mid-twenties.

You’ve been there, right?