First Things First

25 Dec

Last winter, I received an email from the dating website notifying me that someone had signed me up under the screen name “SoftButch84.”  After trying to figure out which one of my hilarious friends was responsible for this prank, I decided to keep the account, but change the screen name and the sexual preference.  I had never tried online dating before, let alone been on a blind date.  Unfortunately, the month I decided to give online dating a try coincided with the month that I stopped drinking for three weeks.  Even my dad said “Damn, you picked a bad time to start dating!”  My dad is known for being a real hand with the ladies, as they say.  Once when we were at a bar, he yelled at me because I was wearing a ring on my left hand and said “Girl, if you’re trolling, you better move that ring to the other hand!”  But he is another story.

I went on a total of two dates before deleting my account in disgust.  An Asian doctor took me to dinner at a place in Cobble Hill, had clearly lied to me about his height and I suspect was lying to himself about liking women.  He got a little too excited when I told him I worked for a popular fashion company and spent the rest of our time together bragging about his collection of designer footwear.  But that’s what I get for going out with someone who used the pick up line “OMG your hair is so cute!  When are you going to ask me out?”

The second guy was a graduate film student at NYU and appeared pretty normal online.  Nope.  We met at some sort of NYU bar where he tried desperately to be funny as I slammed club sodas, attempting to trick myself into believing they were alcoholic beverages.  He smelled like he hadn’t washed his clothes in several months and his breath gave away the doobie he had smoked on the way over.  After thirty minutes of fake-laughing, I was getting a headache so I made up a reason why I needed to go home immediately.  He asked me what train I was taking and when I answered the F, he said “Great, we can take it together!”  I made a mental note never to reveal truthful train information to dates.  During the most awkward train ride of my lifetime, he kept scooting closer and closer to me so that his dirty cargos were cemented to my leg.  He then decided it was an appropriate moment to disclose to me that he used to have a lazy eye and, after corrective surgery, had to wear an eyepatch for several months.  I got home and promptly deleted my OKCupid account.

Over the course of the summer, I continued to find myself in ridiculous situations involving guys that I met in every day non-internet-related situations.  I began to accept that a dysfunctional love life is perhaps my destiny.  I had been joking around about starting a blog for awhile, and eventually my friends at work convinced me to go through with it.  Hey, maybe I should even rejoin a dating website to keep my material fresh and new!  Even if no one reads this other than a small handful of my friends, I will be able to look back on it someday and fondly reminisce over the indiscretions of my youth.

That or weep endlessly into a cracked mirror.


One Response to “First Things First”

  1. shannonsutherland December 27, 2011 at 1:03 am #

    Love it!!!! I enjoy your stories!

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