Erecting the Box

25 Dec

I have several friends who are on dating websites.  Before signing up again, I discussed with them the pros and cons of OKCupid compared to the ones you pay a monthly fee for such as eHarmony and Match.  My research has lead me to the following conclusion: generally, those who are serious about finding “love” are more willing to pay a robot to tell them who they should like.  People who are cheap, broke, lazy, or looking for one-night stands prefer OKCupid.  There are some questionable individuals on all dating websites so you have to gear your profile towards your target audience.  I couldn’t decide between filling it out honestly or writing a completely outlandish profile to attract a bunch of insane people and entertain myself.  The first time I used the website I had filled it out seriously and still attracted weirdos, so I made it pretty straightforward with some quirky details thrown in for good measure.  Next, I needed to specify to the robot (and to myself) the ground rules for this operation.  I am open to meeting all sorts of different creatures of the night, but some things simply will not stand.  Here are my guidelines that guys have to meet before I will agree to go on a date with them.

Qualifying Factors:

1.  Must be over 5’11.  (This rules out about 95% of the website and maybe 75% of Manhattan.  The odds are not in my favor.)

2.  Must be over 26, and under 40.  (I struggled with the maximum age because if you are over 35 and still single, that could potentially be a red flag.)

3.  Must not use “OMG” “LOL” “Kewl” or “Laters.”  (This really should apply to everyone in life, but it’s much more offensive coming from a straight adult male.)

4.  No white pants, man flares, Steve Madden dress shoes, or eyeliner. (Graphic tees are not preferred but can be allowed on a case-to-case basis.)

5.  Do not ask me to Skype with you.  (For some reason meeting someone for the first time in person is way less creepy than meeting them on a computer screen while you’re sitting alone in your room drinking a Snapple next to your dirty underwear.)

6.  Absolutely no ice chewers.  (You could be the most amazing person on the planet, but the second you pop that cube in your mouth, it’s over between us.)

7.  Must have lips.  (I am not physically attracted to terriers.)

I’m sure I will add more requirements as I continue to sample what this great city has to offer.  For now, we’ll start with this.

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