I finally gave in and tried Tinder for a month last fall. The first thing I noticed was the incredible amount of insane names on there. In one sitting alone, I came across a Festus, Yalph, Kamal, Marian, Hewlett, Boswell, Beathan, Riker, and Dumpit. As much as men named after a prison, a printer, and a female librarian get me going… sadly, none of them appealed to me. When I did eventually agree to meet someone, I was forced to cancel at the last minute because I was sick. He said he didn’t mind rescheduling and then immediately sent a second text that read “But I’ve heard that sexting cures the common cold… my ex-girlfriend and I used to do it all the time ;)” Noooooooo no no no! Asking me to sext when I’ve never even met you AND hitting me with the ex-girlfriend double-whammy? Amateur hour.
Without further ado, here are a few brief diary entries on my Tinder dates which, I hate to admit, almost made me miss OKCupid:
1. The Silent Sound Engineer— Almost canceled on him after he left me not one, but TWO seven-second voicemails of himself heavily breathing. Ended up meeting him at one of my favorite local bars. Really cute face, but really shiny bald head– I could see the reflection of the Halloween decorations hanging over us in that head of his. The date was short-lived after he told me he doesn’t drink because his parents used to force-feed him whiskey as a four year old and he has never gotten over it. He offered to give me a ride home on his motorcycle and, although I only lived two blocks away, I let him cycle me around my neighborhood for awhile before retiring for the evening. He was nice but too quiet and serious, so I didn’t respond to his request for a second date.
2. My Manager’s Sister’s Ex-Boyfriend’s Brother— Tinder tells you if you have any mutual Facebook friends, so I agreed to meet this man after I noticed that he was friends with my manager. After a late arrival, he immediately remarked that he was surprised by how tall I am and expected someone shorter based on my pictures. I asked him if he had even read my profile because I put my height on it, to which he responded by saying he was actually pleasantly surprised and found me very attractive. He was bald and named after a fish, but his Caribbean accent was pleasing to the ear, so I stuck around for a few drinks before concocting an escape plan. The next day at work I received a very X-rated text from him and that was the end of that.
3. The Spanish Executive— I felt bad for making him come to my neighborhood in Brooklyn because he lived on the Upper West Side. When he arrived, he appeared much older than I had thought and had airplane breath. Told me right off the bat that he has two ex-wives and a ten-year-old son whom he travels to London to see every other month. I blurted out “I’m almost thirty and always thought I would have at least one ex-husband by now!” before realizing that probably isn’t a helpful thing to say on a blind date. He got really excited that I have pretty good Spanish vocabulary and, for the next two weeks after the date, texted me solamente en Español. The texts started to get a little too racy when he invited me to some upscale French restaurant conveniently located next door to his apartment. As much as I wanted a free Spanish tutor, the thought of watching someone’s dad slurp mollusks made me very uneasy.
4. The Nerdy Accountant— This guy actually used to work in accounting for the same company I do (not in accounting) and had been my partner during a store inventory in Boston six years ago. I couldn’t really remember his face and his Tinder picture looked like his head was floating in an amniotic sac… but I remembered him being funny during that fateful night so many years ago. I imagined the great story we would have about how we met if it ended up working out. It did not. I met him at an over-priced German beer bar full of fools in Williamsburg. He didn’t offer to pay for any of my drinks even though he had picked the place and even brought up how much more money he made than I. He seemed a little uptight, smelled like he hadn’t washed his clothes in awhile, and also made a high-pitched whistling sound from his nostrils like an alarming tea kettle. After he tried to talk to me about money-management and baseball (two things I know nothing about), I countered him with talk of lutes and red herrings and the date ended shortly thereafter.
5. The Concert-Booking Ticket Guy— We had a shared interest of one of my favorite bands, so I messaged him lamenting the fact that I had failed to get tickets for their upcoming show before it sold out. He responded by telling me that he was going out of town that weekend and wanted to give me his tickets for free because I “seem like a good person.” I never ended up meeting him, but stalked him on Facebook and found out that he is going through a divorce. The show was awesome and the fact that a stranger would do something so nice for me renewed my faith in Tinder… for a few days.
6. The Midwestern Architect— I don’t remember anything about this date other than the fact that he was wearing one of those mock-turtleneck sweaters from LL Bean and he smelled like Miracle Whip.
7. The Chubby Roadie— Agreed to meet him because he had one picture of himself wearing a diaper and another of him cradling a koala atop his protruding belly, next to a sweaty goth in Australia. On the date, he blatantly tried to get me drunk and threw back more shots in the span of an hour than I thought was humanly possible. I quickly escaped after he made a couple homophobic remarks. He continued to text me, but luckily got shipped off to Singapore to tune someone’s guitar a few days later so I was able to ease out of that one.
8. The Creepy Face Paint Man— This guy was allegedly a Buddhist. He also had very little body hair and would’ve made a great clown. His profile picture was of him in full face paint and a top hat beaming like a maniac. I don’t recall much of what we talked about, but he wore a wrist brace and spoke to me in a whisper. To this day he still sends me Facebook messages once a month inviting me over for “chicken finger night” at his apartment with all of his friends. That invitation sounds more dangerous than running in front of a speeding bus. After one particular invite he even followed up with “You missed another fun, tasty evening!”
In closing, what I learned from my month on Tinder is this: The rumors are true… PEOPLE GO ON TINDER TO FIND PEOPLE TO HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH. Sorry guys, not my thing.